What's Your Drishti?

In yoga, a drishti is something you focus on to help you keep your balance. It could be nothing more than a scratch on the floor a few feet ahead of you. Keeping your gaze calmly focused on that tiny mark might keep you from wobbling in a posture like Tree Pose or Dancer, when you are supporting yourself on only one leg. (To see what I mean, try balancing on one leg with your eyes closed, and then try it using a drishti. Easier, right?)

Having something that works like a drishti is useful when you need to respond to your child in a consistent, unflappable way in order to change a behavior...and you are expecting push-back. Let's say your toddler has been throwing food from his high chair, usually towards the end of the meal. You talk this over with your spouse/babysitter/mom/caregiver, and together you decide that when this happens, you will all say “Looks like you're done eating” or something like that. And then you will remove your child from the high chair and put the food away. Easier said than done, right?

Of course it is. You've made a wise decision, but when you actually enact that scene, and your toddler howls with indignation, you will need to keep your balance in order to stay the course and remain unruffled. How will you stick to this plan when the going gets tough? How will you reassure yourself in the face of doubt? All those self-recriminating questions that rise up!

Am I being too hard-hearted?

What if he's still hungry?

Will he feel I don't love him?

I suggest a “verbal drishti” – something you can say to yourself. It can be a reassurance, an aspiration, an acknowledgment of process, a forecast of success. Here are examples of each of these:

A hungry child doesn't throw food. He eats the food. My child is saying, “I'm done.”

I'm teaching him good table manners, starting with this. Discipline is love.

I'm going to help him develop an appropriate way of saying “I'm done.”

He will learn that food is just for eating.

One can make up a drishti for any occasion. You put your infant down to sleep drowsy but still awake. There's some fussing while she soothes herself to sleep. It's so hard not to immediately pick her up!

She's learning to fall asleep independently. Good sleep habits are the gift of a lifetime.

Your four-year-old, who actually knows how to dress himself, dawdles in the morning and this has been making him late to daycare, which in turn makes you late to work. You tell him tomorrow he has between 7:30 to 8:00 to get dressed, and that you are both leaving at 8 sharp no matter what. Tomorrow comes and he spends most of that half hour fooling around in his room. You put him in the car with only one shoe on and still wearing his jammie tops. The remaining school clothes go in his backpack. He doesn't like this one bit and says you're a mean daddy. This hurts.

I'm teaching him time management – and that 8:00 means 8:00.

Several times this week, your second grader has left her homework at home. She called from the school office and you brought it to her. (Who are we kidding? The teacher knows she forgot it!) You have a chat with your daughter about this and tell her if she forgets her homework again, she will have to take the consequences. Two days later, you get “the call.” Despite her tears, you hold firm. You feel somewhat guilty when you hang up.

It's important for her to take personal responsibility for her obligations and her belongings.

I hope a “verbal drishti” will help stabilize your position when you're feeling wobbly!

Playing Alone

Dear Susie,

My son, age three, never seems to want to play alone. When I have to get something done, like making a few calls or answering emails, he falls apart, nagging me or whining. Then I feel terrible. What can be done about this?

Dear Parent,
First, please don't feel guilty about wanting him to play by himself sometimes.  It's really important to learn how to do it.  You and his dad often play with him, and you provide him with plenty of opportunities to socialize with his peers.  But learning to spend alone-time productively is a life skill, and your desire to help him develop this skill is part of good parenting too.  Playing alone is something that doesn't come easily to kids who are very gregarious by nature.  In contrast, some kids play alone "too well" (!) and the challenge for their parents (and teachers) is to help those children tolerate all the communicating, negotiating and compromising needed to play collaboratively.

So how to develop this life skill?  I'm reminded of meditation.  Active and monkey-brained by nature, I can't imagine meditating for an hour or even a half hour.  But my yoga teacher began in five-minute chunks.  Hey, even I can do that. Then ten...maybe fifteen.  Once the benefits of meditating kicked in, I'd entered into a positive feedback loop;  now I look forward to the activity that used to be so unappealing and intimidating because I've learned that it centers me and brings peace.  After a time, your son may find that playing alone is pleasantly calming.

So try starting with a small chunk of time:  "I have to answer a few emails, so I need to to entertain yourself for five minutes.  After that I'll play with you for a while.  What would you like to do while I'm at the computer?"  Rather than putting out toys for him (which can feel a bit like an "assignment") you can help him put out the toys he requests.  That helps him set an intention.  A lot of  times we try to jump-start a child's solo play by playing with them for a bit and then tiptoeing away. This probably feels to the child like bait and switch (which, to be honest, it is!)  Playing together and playing alone are apples and oranges; having him choose an "alone activity" from the get-go doesn't have disappointment built into it.   (I'm assuming most of his toys are within his reach, which promotes playing solo.)

If he gives you five minutes to yourself without nagging and whining, say so:  "You're learning to play by yourself!  People sometimes learn so much and really enjoy themselves playing alone."  Also, remember that taking time for yourself to play Scrabble online or drop a line to your best friend or even just clear your inbox is "playing  alone," and that by doing these things you are modeling what you want to teach:  "I feel so relaxed and happy after I get all my morning emails done."  Over time, you can  gradually increase the length of time that you can expect solo play.

The last thing of course is that when you do play with him, even if it's just for ten minutes, try to single-task and stay focused. You might be playing collaboratively with him or you might just observe him and offer the occasional  comment.  (Kids just love to bask in your undivided attention.) But in either case, he won't feel like you're really present if you are also folding laundry or constantly checking your cell.  In fact, put away the phone for ten minutes.  Full-on time with you replenishes him.  Feeling satisfied (think: a nice, nourishing meal compared to a thin broth of your half-attention) is one of the things that will help him play alone later.

Changing Caregivers

Dear Susie,

We are losing our part-time nanny at the end of the month. I am considering moving Randy (barely 3 years old) to full time at his preschool. He does love school, but let me tell you, life is so much easier – he is nicer to us, more compliant, and he sleeps better – on days when he is at home.

I am feeling SO SAD to be losing our nanny – Randy is very attached to her, talks about her when she's not here, and looks forward to his days with her. I need advice on how to break the news to him, and how to explain that she is no longer coming to sit (although we will try to book her for some weekend date nights.)

Dear Parent,

The problem you are confronting is a common one.  It's daunting, and sometimes sad, to contemplate a big change.  First let me say something about his school schedule.  Contrary to what most parents imagine, a lot of kids do better going to nursery school five times per week than part-time.  (This is of course assuming it's a good school, where children are invited to do interesting things and the adults are loving and respectful.)  I think this has to do with consistency.  Most preschools offer part-time programs on Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday/Friday. The problem with this type of scheduling is that, for the child, every school day seems like a Monday  (and you know how we all feel about Mondays!) It can present too many "adjustment days" in the child's week.  It may make kids feel  a little scattered, the way having two jobs affects an adult.  You might be pleasantly surprised to see how well Randy adjusts to M-F, naps and all.

I think we should handle departures of friends (and to him, the nanny is essentially a friend) with honesty and compassion.  It's not good for anyone to disappear out of a child's life without notice.  Tell him the truth, that she has found another job and will no longer be able to take care of him during the days.  Say that you will try to arrange it so she can babysit for him occasionally at night, and then make good on that promise if you possibly can.  Make sure the two of them have a chance to say goodbye.  If nanny cries, or you and/or Rowan cry, it's OK.  People cry when they are sad.  Be sure you have photos of him with nanny that you can put in a little book to look at together.  He can dictate the words and you can write them down next to each picture.  (This book might be something that evolves slowly, over time.)

People sometimes assume that just because kids are resilient (which they are) the people in their lives are interchangeable.  I disagree.  When a playmate moves away, or a nanny finds a new job, we're sad and we can have an authentic goodbye.  And we can stay in touch. (Kids love to get snail-mail, and Skype works great too)   He can send her pictures and you can update her with the latest photos of him. By keeping in touch, we teach our kids that every relationship matters, and that even as we forge new ones, we cherish the old.  Things change because that's life – but we don't have to close any doors.

Applying to Independent Schools for Kindergarten

This is a compilation of hints, bits of advice and “dos and don'ts” that I've accumulated over the years.  These ideas are based on true-life adventures and misadventures. (I used to be a preschool director. Applicant parents, preschool teachers and admissions personnel talk to me about this stuff a lot!)  Please read with an open mind and in the spirit it is intended – to provide gentle guidance through what can be a nerve-wracking process.

1)  Be the kind of family your preschool can rave about.  The teacher will probably be able to go on and on about your child's great qualities.  However, the questions about parents are pretty cut and dried: they center on openness, reliability and participation.  The folks at your child's preschool will want to be frank, in order to protect their credibility and reputation.  Ask yourself if you’re doing all you can to be a dependable and useful member of your preschool community.

2)  Leave your child out of the process.  The only time you should involve your child is if the school has a “play date” which serves as an opportunity to observe your child in a group setting.  You can just tell your child, “We’re going to look at some schools and see what we think.  I don’t know if they’ll have room or not, or whether this school will be a good match for our family.” Period.  Please don’t coach or advise your child before the play date. Afterward, you will be interested in your child’s impression, but don’t pump him or her for feedback.  Final decisions should be the job of the adult(s).  Along the way, it’s only human to want to discuss and compare the various schools with family and friends, but avoid doing this in front of your child.  Some additional pointers about “play dates” follow. (If your child will not be invited to school visits, skip items 3-8.)

3)  Prepare your child.  You can call ahead to the school and get information about what to expect so that you can tell your child how the visit will go, whether there is going to be a separation from you, and any other relevant information.  Be sure your child is well-rested and well-fed.  A snack in the car will ensure that hunger pangs don’t take the edge off the experience, and a last-minute trip to the bathroom might add to your child’s comfort.

4)  If your child is ill on the scheduled day, call the school and find out how this is handled.  Perhaps they can re-schedule you.  Besides, you will be demonstrating courtesy and consideration.

5)  Be prompt.  It makes you look good and, more importantly, it will help put your child at ease.

6)  Remember, you are a guest.  They set the rules and you are visiting their “home” on their terms.  Don’t insist on visiting areas that are off limits or partaking of anything that is not designated for you.

7)  When visiting, be firm with your child.  Letting your child wheedle or get away with something just to avoid a scene will make a very negative impression on any educators I know!

8)  Leave at the scheduled time. If possible, give your child a five-minute warning and then follow through.  You can show these people you appreciate that their time is worth something (plus they’ll get to see that you set limits and that you follow through.)

9)  Remember that admissions personnel are responsible for putting together a diverse group of children, and that diversity takes many forms – gender balance, ethnic and socioeconomic variety, non-traditional family structures, an array of different personalities and temperaments.  Parents of shy children often worry that they won’t dazzle the admissions folks.  But imagine for a moment how unbalanced a classroom would be if all the children were extroverted, take-charge types. Yikes!

10)  Apply to more than one program.  It’s very competitive out there, so luck plays a bigger and bigger role every year.  You should research thoroughly, cast a wide net, and keep an open mind.  If one school in particular is you first choice, tell them so on your application or in your cover letter.  (Be ethical about this – there can only be one #1.)  Throughout, let your mantra be “I may not get my first choice…I may not get my first choice.”  Disappointment is survivable.

11)  If you are lucky enough to get into more than one school, please make a final choice quickly.  This will help others (some of whom may even be your friends!) get out of “Wait-list Limbo.”

12)  If you are dissatisfied about the way a school handled admissions, deal with it after the process is completed.  If you wind up at that school, get involved in admissions and work at improving things from the inside.  If you don’t end up attending that school, speak to your preschool director and let him/her decide whether to take this up with admissions.

13)  Overall, try to be eager (not pushy) and inquisitive (not critical).  Your demeanor tells them volumes about the likeliness of a healthy long-term relationship with your family – which is of course what they are looking for.

14)  And don't give up! The ratio of applicants to available spaces shifts in your favor from year to year. Next year, they may only have a spot or two open for first grade – but they will have far fewer applicants.

Try to have fun -- and good luck!

Navigating "The Red Zone"

My boot camp instructor, Steven Brown, calls this time of year “The Red Zone.” This is his way of warning us that the stresses of the holidays, combined with all the tempting sugars and carbs and extra alcohol that are put before us, can add up to weight gain. So, what are the dangers of The Red Zone for kids?

The upcoming cascade of holidays – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah/Christmas and sometimes even Valentine's Day – are super-fun for kids, but they present challenges. Extra travel is sometimes involved. Families are reconstituted as relatives visit us or host us. Sleep gets disrupted. There's a lot more sugar within grasp. Any and all of these things make some adults irritable, and kids are no different. The more we can practice moderation, keep to some kind of schedule, and maintain our standards for behavior (including parental follow-through!) the better off our kids will be.

I've noticed that adults and children process the “Before/During/After” of holidays very differently. For us, there's the big buildup, which can be stressful from the standpoint of planning, shopping, cooking – and budgeting. This is followed by the enjoyment of the holiday itself, and then a sheer drop-off as we bustle to return to “normal.” (Even the most ardent Noel-ophile I know is only too happy to box up the decorations, drop the kids back at school, and shuttle the in-laws to the airport right after Christmas!) For kids it's quite different. Their anticipation is unfettered and worry-free. Wild with anticipation, their only real challenge is waiting for the holiday to actually arrive. They relish the festivities and then what? There is a smooth, gradual slope back to normalcy as they savor the holiday's pleasures, chattering excitedly, reliving, and re-reliving the whole thing. (Any parent who has been treated to “The Dreidl Song” or “Jingle Bells” sometime around late January will know what I'm talking about.)

In the coming months, I hope you'll find useful strategies for mitigating the extra stimulation holidays present. I also hope you'll appreciate that your child's way of processing the Anticipation/Enjoyment/Afterglow may differ from yours.

In closing, I want to say a few last-minute words about Halloween. Part of the fun of the holiday is scaring and being scared. And it's only fun if the child can control the stimuli somewhat. Kids like to “play with their edge,” discovering where their fears lie, what they can tolerate, and how much is too much. Think of a child playing by the seashore. She ventures out as the waves recede, and then discovers whether she dares let them lap up on her ankles – or legs! – when they crash back up on the sand. If it's too scary, she backs up. Then she ventures forth again. Kids can do this for hours. They are playing with their edge, and it's both fascinating and fun because they have control. Insisting that a child confront a fear usually backfires horribly. Let them lead and you follow. This may mean involving a second adult who can take one child home, leaving any others to continue enjoying the festivities.

And don't be surprised if your child, who as a baby/toddler enjoyed last Halloween, has a very different “take” this year. Two-year-olds and some three-year-olds are famous for being scared stiff by disguises, especially masks. Sometimes at this age a very little bit can be too much.

Best of luck navigating The Red Zone!

"Stop Crying, You're Fine!"

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the reunion of a performance company I belonged to many years ago. We reconnected, danced until long after midnight, and made wonderful music. Emotions were high. There was lots of reminiscing, both formal and informal. We laughed until our sides ached. And there were tears.

I noticed that when people were speaking publicly – whether giving tributes to individuals or to the overall experience we had shared – if they began to cry, they apologized. This was true of men and women alike. There is nothing unusual about this; you hear it all the time. But it was the first time I really noticed it and began thinking about it.

Why do we say “Excuse me” or “I'm so sorry” when we break down with emotion? We behave as though we had done something gauche, like passing gas or burping. Is strong emotion rude? Is it impolite or uncivilized? I can understand apologizing after losing one's temper, but what is it about the sweet, powerful emotions of nostalgia or sadness that embarrasses us? Maybe it's just an American thing. Perhaps in the end we're just a nation of cowboys who like to sit tall in the saddle and not let all those pesky feelings show.

I can't help wondering how this plays out with our children, especially boys. I've often watched people try to shush a hurt child, let's say one who's fallen down and skinned a knee. The parents tell the child he's not hurt and to stop crying. For starters, how can anyone tell another person he's not hurt? How can one know? And then I've watched as the child's distress grows, his wails getting louder and louder as people continue to deny his experience. I don't think this crescendo is due to increasing physical pain. I think he's getting wound up from the emotional pain of not “feeling felt.” He's saying no, this is awful – won't someone listen? I've always observed that a calm, appropriate response to the unpleasant surprise (and possible embarrassment) of falling, plus a little empathy for the pain, dries the tears a lot faster than “Stop crying, you're fine.”

I would love to hear from my readers, especially those who came here from other places or who have lived abroad, about how crying in public is viewed around the world. I'm also interested in how children are taught about crying – whether it's seen as awkward, silly, normal – in other cultures.
northmediates@gmail.com

Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!

Thank You, Sarah and Eamon

This is a very personal post. From Saturday night to the wee hours of Monday morning, I had the privilege of attending the birth of my first grandchild. I'm so grateful for her parents' generosity in sharing this experience with me. Seeing my daughter give birth to Ziva Brigid will be an indelible heart-memory.

Going through this with my family, I was flooded with memories of my own birth experiences. I also learned some new things that I wish I'd known when it was my time to give birth – like what the heck a doula does! And, watching their wonderful doula Kerry Allen guide them through the experience, I was also struck by the way childbirth prepares you for parenthood. May I share a few examples?

***

Patience and tenacity    Kerry kept saying, “patience and tenacity.” Boy, where would parents be without those two qualities? Waiting for things to unfold naturally, and for all your good parenting to take root, would be nothing without the tenacity to hang in there. Likewise, sticking to your high standards wouldn't be possible without the patience to endure less-than-desirable behavior and allow for seemingly endless “re-dos” until your child gets it right.

Be flexible about strategies – but give each strategy a fair try     Kerry had a rich supply of great ideas for labor positions and techniques. But she didn't jump around from one to the other. She would invite Sarah and Eamon to try this or that and then offer tweaks and assistance to make it work. When the experience had run its course, she would suggest another. As parents, we can usually think of more than one strategy for solving a given problem. Let's say we try an idea and it doesn't work. That's frustrating, of course. We could make a subtle adjustment, or wait and try it again soon, or do it at another time of day. But what we tend to do is think well, that didn't work, and move on. In desperation, we try another strategy, and another, and another, until finally the sheer cascade of contrasting stimuli brings about a meltdown. Whether you're trying to get a child to eat his carrots or to sleep through the night, it's helpful to settle on a program and stick with it for a while.

The arcs are similar but the particulars are unique    There are certain basic things that happen – usually in a certain order – between belly and baby. But every birth has its own itinerary, as well as forks in the road, and of course none of these small events can be predicted. Likewise, it's important to remember that every child weaves his way, developmentally, in his or her own manner. Every typically developing child will probably go through the predictable stages of the route, but at different paces and in different ways. Some will go back to pick up something they dropped on the path. Try not to fret over schedules and perceived deadlines. We can enjoy ourselves so much more by observing how a child gets where he's going – rather than obsessing about when.

 ***

This has been an extraordinary experience. I'm flooded with feeling. I'm amazed at this little family that is coalescing right before my eyes as they attune, cooperate and bond. I'm madly in love with someone I've only known for a few days. And I'm overflowing with gratitude for being included. Thank you, Sarah and Eamon.

Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part One)

Dear Susie,

Things are good here – just some craziness with the new baby (Samuel) and our almost-three-year-old, Aaron.

We did a lot to prepare Aaron – talking to him, reading books (Mother's Lap, Dr. Sears' What Baby Needs, etc.) I made him a book (based on your inspiration!) that has photos taken when he was a baby – breastfeeding, sleeping, playing, sitting up, crawling, etc., and we talked and talked about having a baby brother. We moved his room and got him settled into a big boy bed , and he had potty trained himself before Samuel arrived. We were careful about the way we introduced the boys. Dad brought Aaron to the hospital and I made sure not to be holding Samuel when he entered the room – I reached out to hold and hug Aaron.  We had Samuel “bring home gifts” for Aaron from the hospital.

Well, all of this is well and good, but so hard for him with Samuel actually here 24/7 and mostly attached to me breastfeeding. We are trying to give Aaron his own special attention every day. He goes to school Monday, Wednesday and Fri 9-12 and does My Gym and Soccer Shots on other days.  We tell him when he's a good big brother, we involve him in baby care, etc.

So, here's the issue. He is really getting aggressive at school – hitting other kids, taking toys out of their hands, pulling them off play equipment by their hair, etc.  The teacher has seen all of this before, especially in kids who have new babies at home.  Do you have advice about what we can do to help ease the transition for him and how we can specifically address this issue?  I know some of my friends who don't have new babies are facing aggressive behaviors with their 2½-year-olds, so some of it is probably just the developmental stage.  We are also trying hard to talk to him about consequences and to correct his behavior. (We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.)  We do, however, talk about the changes and try to discuss his feelings.  We read Hands Are Not For Hitting and Calm Down Time, and I have heard him say "1,2,3 I'm taking care of me . . ." to himself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Parent,

Congratulations to all of you on the birth of Samuel!  I'm including the entire text of your letter because it reads like a textbook on preparing a child for a sibling. These are all great strategies! You have made a monumental effort and have done everything possible to make the transition go well for Aaron.  But you're right – in the end, having a baby brother 24/7 who is hooked on to Mom in that exasperating way is often more than a guy can handle, even with all the preparation.  That's how it was at my house. Thank you for helping me make the point that, despite lots of conscientious groundwork, bringing a baby into a home with a preschooler can be hard.

My guess is that holding it together at home is challenging, so he lets it go at school.  Sometimes the reverse happens; when kids are new to a school or there is something stressful happening there, they keep it together all day and then become cranky or oppositional or aggressive right when they come home!  You say "The teacher has seen all of this before – especially in kids who have new babies."  Reading between the lines, I infer that the teacher is more blase about (and unsurprised by) Aaron's behavior than you and his dad are.  She's right - it's a typical pattern, and will surely pass.  I'm glad he has a place to let it all hang out and a teacher who is as empathetic as his parents.

Next week we'll talk about ways to help Aaron with all these intense new feelings he's experiencing.

Free Time

A friend whose son is only four described to me the difficulty he's having with Karate. So many rules – do it this way, no talking or fidgeting, listen to the teacher – that are very, very challenging for him. I suggested that maybe on top of preschool (his day care center is pretty structured) it's just too much. Perhaps what he really needs after a day at school is to go to the park and just run around. In a year or two he will have outgrown some of his wiggles and will be better able to compose himself in order to master a skill. I could tell my friend was crestfallen. Signing kids up for activities is what good moms do, right?

In my mind's ear, I hear the wise, Hungarian-accented voice of the late Magda Gerber, baby and toddler expert extraordinaire and founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers.) Magda believed that parents were dragging their very young children to too many classes and structured experiences: “Gym! Stim! Svim!” she would hiss disparagingly. Was Magda right? What's missing in this world of scheduled playdates and pay-to-play, structured recreation?

One thing that's missing is hanging out. I think hanging out is way undervalued. Over lunch, another friend lamented that her five-year-old son doesn't have opportunities to hang out the same way she did at that age. Her conclusions about this really got my attention. Later, in an email, she reminisced “about the nature of the free time and how it affected kids' behavior in the home. When a kid was out and about, having free time, the time was truly free. No one watching, no structure, no team sports, no "play dates". The kids could make all the decisions and have all the power over that time. So when they got home they knew that was where they had to please-and-thank-you and observe the rules. Nowadays every moment is structured, overseen, corrected – so naturally kids are rebelling more at home. They never get that time to just do whatever and deal with the consequences.”

I think she's right on the money, and I thank her for this insight. In the “adult-unsupervised world” that I remember from the mid-to-late fifties (especially in the summer, when we pretty much roamed free-range) etiquette was fairly relaxed. Nonetheless, we stayed within bounds by being subjected to the logical consequences of our behavior – yes, those very same “logical consequences” that child development folks urge parents to use as discipline! If we behaved badly, other kids would say “Go home!” or “I don't want to play with you.” Ouch! But the next day we could start all over again. Each morning was a fresh opportunity to practice the self-control needed to norm our behavior to the social standard of the neighborhood crew. Our tribe's code valued honesty, compromise, imagination, a sense of adventure, and no hitting. This was hardly “Lord of the Flies.” We were just a clunky little democracy trying to keep it together, day after day. I think we all learned a lot.

Free time allows kids to be creative, to figure out how not to be bored, to make mistakes and correct them, and to discover what they actually do (and don't) enjoy doing. And it also gives kids the opportunity to learn what other children need and expect of them – something that often gets buried under the barrage of adult demands and expectations.

I would love to hear about what modern parents are doing to re-create the experience of the neighborhood pack. I know that you can't just turn them out on the street (even as far back as the '80s, when I was raising my kids, this was an impossibility.) So what are you doing to give them a safe but autonomous space, a time and experience that doesn't feel 100% adult-managed? I welcome responses to this site or at northmediates@gmail.com.

TV or Not TV? Boy, What a Question!

Dear Susie,

When we were on vacation, we told our son the TV at the condo didn't work. Ordinarily, our 3-year old loves TV.   He talks about all the characters and he role-plays, etc.  (He still gets plenty of exercise, reading, cooking, art, etc...but still …)   So we had 7 days with  no shows and I think it's great.  Not sure how to play it when we get home.  One show a day sounds so ideal...but is harder than it sounds. Tricks?  Tips?  Thoughts?

Dear Parent,

I love what you did on vacation!  We often tried to stay in places with no TV.  I think now more than ever, unplugged family vacations provide a really healthy break from all the technology as well as a time to reconnect with one another in a more basic, unfettered way. And though this requires every bit as much discipline for most grownups as it does for children, everyone in the family benefits.

Once, a friend and I were settling in with our kids at a mountain cabin that we had rented – and discovered to our dismay that there was a TV in the downstairs family room.  She and I exchanged glances, impulsively threw a blanket over the TV, and the kids were none the wiser.  They spent their week in the mountains enjoying nature, reading, poking around in the dirt, observing the wildlife, hiking and all the rest. 

Of course you have the right idea about how his time is best spent – exercise, reading, cooking, art, etc.  And for now, the "no TV phase" is working. It's probably a blessed relief from having to set limits.  I imagine that with the passage of time you will, for some reason or other, begin to include TV back in your life. Let's assume that's true – otherwise you don't need an answer from me!

At the very least, an unplugged vacation provides a nice opportunity to step back, evaluate your media use, and reset the dial. Moderation is hard, maybe because "a little of something" is harder to define and manage than "nothing."  There's no point in whining and begging for TV if TV isn't available.  But some TV...hmm, how much is too much?  I encourage parents to bundle all screen time, to be clear about how much screen time is OK, and to stick to that "diet."  Beware the slippery slope. It's easy to justify “good” TV over “bad” TV and to get seduced by so-called "educational” computer games.   But when we do this, we forget that any screen time is time away from chasing butterflies, kicking a ball around, creating art, figuring out how to make and keep a friend, crafting mud pies -- the real work of childhood.

Having a rule and sticking to it is a habit, a good habit.  Begging for more is a bad one.  And that second habit can be broken if you, as the parent, are consistent and unapologetic about your rule.  All the grownups in the family should participate in setting and enforcing the rule.  (No fair playing "good cop" to your partner's "bad cop"!)  It's unrealistic to expect that there won't be tension around what is wanted and what is allowed.  As so many of us have learned in these past few years, a budget reconciles what we want with what we can realistically afford.  Budgeting time works exactly the same way.  And like budgeting money, budgeting  time is good for our kids – so by extension it's good for us too.

"Do You Want to Go Home?"

“Do you want to go home?' is one of those wacky rhetorical questions we all ask our kids from time to time. It's usually said when we mean something like, “Your behavior is really out of bounds right now. If you keep misbehaving, we shouldn't stay.” If that's what is meant, why not just say so?  And is it really the child's decision?  Talking in code can be so confusing!

Another problem with asking “do you want to go home?” is that sometimes parents ask it when they themselves can't (or won't, or don't want to) follow through. Maybe they are relying on someone else for a ride back to the house. Or they need to be somewhere more than the child needs to leave. Case in point: if it's 4 PM and you're at the hardware store picking out a new faucet for the handyman who's arriving early the next morning, neither you nor your child (however cranky you're both feeling) has the option of postponing the errand. You're stuck with it – you need to be at the hardware store more than your child needs not to be there. So don't ask!

I've seen asking really backfire. I remember a mom in one of my parenting classes who desperately craved the fellowship and support she got from the other parents in the group. She had told us it was the highlight of her week. One day her daughter was having a hard morning. Out of sorts and much needier than usual, the three-year-old kept leaving the playground and interrupting our parent discussion. Finally the exasperated mother barked at her, “Do you want to go home?” To everyone's surprise, the child broke down, wailing “Yes!” The mother was over a barrel. As much as she needed to be there with us, she had asked her daughter the question, and the child's answer was emphatic. They went home.

Let's think about the times when you can follow through, and how best to do it. Say you're at a birthday party. Your child, fired up on cake and chaos, is in pinball mode. His activity level is elevated and he's behaving recklessly, so much so that he has just accidentally knocked over another child. If you ask him if he wants to go home, he will probably not understand what you mean. From his POV, it looks something like this: Yes, I am getting in trouble here at the party, but I'm having so much fun! I'm struggling to regain my composure, but what does that have to do with going home? Maybe I want to stay and “get it right.” He may desperately need to go home and yet not want to. The bottom line is that it's really your call, not his.

Instead of talking in code, communicate with your child. Assess the situation, set your boundaries, and follow through. You might say, “It looks like it's really hard for you to be here and keep your hands to yourself.” Tell him that if he crosses that line again, “then I'll know that it’s not working for us to be here, and I'll take you home.” If he has another lapse – even one – keep your promise. Put down your plate of birthday cake, tell your friend you'll call her later so you can finish your conversation…and go, just as you promised you would.

This solution is actually win/win/win. Your child has been relieved of a downward spiral from which there was no likely recovery. Your have been spared further embarrassment (and, for your child's future reference, you have made your limits and consequences crystal clear.) The birthday child and his family have gotten their party back on track. Everyone comes out ahead.

Some Strategies for Dealing with Aggression in Preschoolers

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS AGGRESSIVE

A child won't automatically “get it” that someone else's misery feels like her misery. Sometimes making another child cry is just sort of an interesting thing to do. Before empathy kicks in (and viewed out of the context of all that good, ethical behavior we hope to nurture) making another child cry can be nothing more than an experiment in cause and effect. Other times, injury is just the by-product of that single minded drive kids have, as when one child hurts another by barreling in and grabbing a toy. Instead of scolding, offer a cue: “Do you see Reiko's face? She's sad and hurt because you pushed her.” Your child will search your face and see that you are unhappy, that pushing is not OK. That may get some mirror neurons firing (mirror neurons are the ones that stir compassion.)

You may also need to walk your child through the process of making reparations. This will make both children feel better. What does Reiko want? Or you could ask your child to think of something to make Reiko feel better – a wet towel, ice pack, a cup of water or a tissue. Urging her to say “I'm sorry” if she's not feeling genuine remorse won't mean much to either child. (And, I would add, it might be teaching hypocrisy!) Have your child sit with her playmate until the other child is restored. Working through the reparation/restoration phases will probably do more to build your child's empathy than an “easy pass” like a forced apology.

If your child has hurt another child, 1) honor the impulse: “I can see you're really frustrated waiting for a turn with the doll.” Then 2) let him know that you don't like hitting and that you will keep everybody safe: “It's not OK to hit. I'm going to hold your hands while we talk so you can't hurt Jeffrey.” Finally, 3) explore other options: “What can you do next time you're feeling that way?” Over time, verbal expression will replace aggressive acts.

For the child who is going through a period of chronic biting (or pushing, spitting, etc.) try to stay very close and intervene before the behavior occurs. You'll learn to recognize the warning signals. Then honor the impulse, keep everyone safe, and explore appropriate options of self-expression.

I want to say a special word about biting. Biting is one of a number of aggressive behaviors (like pushing, spitting, pinching, punching, slapping) and that's all it is. It's not unique, though we tend to treat it as if it were. I've seen kids turned into pariahs for biting. Maybe it's just so primitive and animalistic that we think of it in a class by itself! But it's just a form of aggression like any other, and I don't think kids who happen to bite should be treated differently from kids who experiment with other aggressive strategies. I honestly think the “mystique” about biting is pointless and unhelpful.

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS THE OBJECT OF AGGRESSION

Help your child find the words to express the indignation she is feeling. She might say, “I'm mad that you hit me. I don't want to play with you when you hit,” or something like that. If this is said in a whine or a whisper, it won't have much impact. Coach her to use her big loud voice. If she can't (or won't) talk, ask if she's feeling [such-and-such a feeling] and see if it's OK for you to tell the other child for her. If she says yes, do so: “Leslie is very angry at you. Hitting makes her not want to play.” Then help her verbalize what she would like the other child to do for her. Your modeling will give her the vocabulary and the confidence to eventually assume responsibility for standing her own ground.

If your child is somewhat timid, it's really important to remember that “rescuing” him over and over does not make him bolder. It simply reinforces his feeling of powerlessness and underscores his dependence on you. As you gradually cede responsibility to him, the best way you can help is to be supportive without being over-sympathetic. You don't want him to become a “professional victim” by getting him hooked on your dramatic overreactions.

Aggression in Preschoolers

Children are not born well-socialized. Developing appropriate social skills is a long, complex process, involving lots of experimentation, missteps and repeated redirection by patient and empathetic adults. Sustained cooperative play is not usually seen until age three or four. Aggressive behavior in preschoolers is 100% developmentally appropriate. And aggression is not always an indication of hostile feelings. You'll notice that children who seem the most aggressive are often more outgoing in other ways – answering questions, volunteering for a task, responding quickly to calls for “cleanup” etc.

Of course aggressive behavior can reflect strong negative emotions such as anger or frustration. But just as often, it is simply a primitive attempt to socialize, a clumsy way of saying “I want to play with you” or “I would really like you to pay attention to me.”

Struggle and competition are part of life. An adult can be most useful by sitting nearby, staying calm and assisting as the children work it out. The adult acts as facilitator, mediating rather than fixing or solving everything. For very young children it helps to “broadcast” the event, suggesting the emotions you think may be at play. “Aldo, Denise grabbed the truck from you. Looks like that made you really mad.”

Emphasize gentle touching, and tell children how you like to be touched. “It feels good when you stroke my cheek gently. It feels like this. Do you like it too?” That way, your child will develop some understanding of what you are saying when you redirect him: “Jonathan doesn’t like it when you pinch him. It really hurts! Can you touch him gently like this?”

Most children need help recognizing social cues. You may need to remind your child that some kids enjoy much rougher play than others. Help your child to “read” others’ faces as the play heats up. “I know you like to wrestle with Andrew, but I’m looking at Rashid’s face and he doesn’t seem to like this kind of playing.” Similarly, you need to observe your child so that you can help him with words or actions that will set his own limits. “Cyrus, would you like to tell Rachel that you don’t like to have your hair touched?”

Children don’t carry grudges, and we shouldn’t either! Saying things like “she's a biter” or “he's so bossy” make children feel locked into pattern of behavior. This makes it difficult for them to experiment with other, perhaps more appropriate, social strategies.

Try to keep feelings/wishes/thoughts/ideas separate from actions. As Magda Gerber said, “If we punished people for bad thoughts, everybody would be in jail.” A big part of socializing children is helping them find safe and appropriate actions to fit their negative feelings. Next week we'll look at specific ways to support your child when (s)he is aggressive and when (s)he is the object of aggression.

You Better Not Pout?

Dear Susie,

My daughter will be 4 this fall and she is on the bossy side.  Although happy and outgoing, she can pout when she doesn't get her way. For example, when she plays with other kids she will often want the toy her friends picked out for themselves saying, "hey, I want that toy." When she doesn't get it, she will pout by crossing her arms and sticking out her lips and going quiet.  That's the extent of it, but when it happens, I'm unsure how to handle it so it doesn't become a habit.  Maybe steadfast perseverance on my part?  She's sweet and has never given me any grief, never thrown a single tantrum, and has always been reasonable, but she has a need to control too now.  I am wondering how I can help make her un-bossy without breaking her spirit!

Dear Parent,

A four-year-old who's never had a tantrum has a lot of catching up to do! I'm only half-kidding. Autonomy (and its opposite, not getting one's way) is a huge developmental issue at this age. Maybe for your daughter, pouting is a sort of “silent tantrum” – a strong objection to being thwarted and a bid for control over an upsetting situation. I really like your term “steadfast perseverance!” Just as scolding, defending your position and caving in are all lousy responses to a tantrum, they don't work with pouting either. I agree that steadfast perseverance is the ticket.

Social learning is perhaps the most challenging kind of learning there is. It's not cut-and-dried like spelling or math facts. All that emotion-reading and interpreting and compromising and negotiating is hard, exhausting work. (And it's endless – talk about lifelong learning!) When a child expresses disgust, anger or frustration over having to share, try tapping into what she's actually experiencing: “You're learning to share your toys and it's really, really hard for you, I can see. Looks like it makes you feel [angry/frustrated/upset.]” And then avert your focus and let the pout dissolve in its own good time. Soon she'll be able to report on her feelings with words instead of gestures. (For a child who tantrums, I would say this same thing to him/her after the storm. Talking to a child mid-tantrum can be like tossing hay on a fire.)

Your description of her demeanor sounds almost performance-like, the classic “harrumph” gesture. Perhaps she's seen another child dominate by using this posture to say “I'm very put out – and you should do something about it!” Does it work for her? If there's a payoff, she will probably continue doing it. If it doesn't work (there's your steadfast perseverance) she'll move on. Meanwhile, you may need to remind her playmate, or your younger child, that just because she's taking that stance doesn't mean they have to give in or give up.

Wanting to get her way doesn't necessarily mean your daughter is “bossy.” We all want to get our way! She just needs to learn good strategies for negotiating and taking turns. It takes a while for kids to appreciate the benefits of compromise enough to hang in there and do all that social learning.

Perhaps rather than “bossy,” your daughter is “leaderly.” I use that clunky term because, after wrestling with the thesaurus, I realize to my shock and dismay that we don't have a word that is positive to describe leadership. Oh sure, we have “pushy,” “overbearing,” “authoritarian,” and on and on, but no flattering adjective. We say good bosses are innovative or dynamic or inspiring or charismatic – but those are just aspects of leadership. Where's the word for the whole enchilada? Maybe we don't have one because, as I said, we all want to get our way, and when someone else is in charge it just looks and feels wrong. When your daughter is being leaderly, catch her being good at it: “I noticed how you explained your idea to Rachel and Toya. They really liked it! What an imagination you have. And then you listened to their good ideas too...that must have been so cool, playing hospital together. What a fun afternoon you girls had!” In this way you focus on reinforcing positive leadership skills (communication, imagination, openness to others' input) rather than just squelching “bossiness.”

Books About Birth and New Babies

Here are some of my favorite books about birth and new babies. It's a good idea to preview them at the library, because grab-and-go doesn't work for books about sensitive topics. You really want to be sure that what you are reading to your child conforms to your view of things.

Ashbe, Jeanne, What’s Inside? provides the toddler or preschooler with peek-a-boo tabs that indicate what’s really going on inside mom.

Cole, Joanna, When You Were Inside Mommy offers a straightforward but warm account of pregnancy and birth (additional information for parents in the back.)

Curtis, Jamie Lee, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born offers a story of adoption that is action-packed, funny and very touching.

Kitzinger, Sheila, Being Born follows Lennart Nilsson’s groundbreaking, graphic color photos that take a baby through the stages of conception, pregnancy and birth and up to the first moments of cuddling and nursing.  The text is poetic and lengthy.

Knight, Margy Burns, Welcoming Babies warmly depicts new-baby customs all over the world.  This book is very diverse and includes a preemie and an adoptee (additional information for parents in the back.)

Nilsson/Swanberg, How Was I Born? is another picture book using Nilsson’s incomparable photos.  The very detailed and straightforward text concerns a couple of siblings as they follow their mother’s pregnancy and the birth of a new brother.

Mayle, Peter, Where Did I Come From? has a light and humorous approach.  Kids absolutely love this honest, explicit and detailed book.

Showers, Paul and Kay, Before You Were a Baby offers a scientific approach.  Filled with clear diagrams, this book is for the child who wants a lot of “how and what” information.

Stevens, Carla, The Birth of Sunset’s Kittens is a classic.  The graphic black and white photos eloquently depict the miracle of birth.

"But How do the Egg and the Seed Get Together?"

In my last post, we looked at ways to answer children's earliest questions about how babies are made. A mom was worried about sharing too much information, especially when kids get past the preliminaries about eggs and seeds and really want to know how that seed and egg got together.  Again, the answer that's right for a child (at any developmental stage) is the short/true answer to his particular question.  If he weren't ready for the answer, he probably wouldn't be framing the question.

If he asks how the seed and egg meet, I would say something like "Mommies and Daddies have a very loving feeling about each other and they want to be super-close.  Sometimes when they are alone together and hugging and kissing they get so excited and happy that something amazing happens.  The Daddy's penis goes into the Mommy's vagina.  That's how the seed from Daddy got together with the egg in Mommy – to make you and then to make your sister."

One of my very favorite books on this topic is Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?  Check it out and see if it fits the bill.  It may be too wordy for most 4-year-olds, but the preschooler or school-age child who likes to take his time over books will probably enjoy it.  It's for kids who are already asking all of these questions; reading it before that has happened would be a case of major overload! I should add that this book isn't every parent's cup of tea. It's very funny and it's irreverent and quite explicit.  The pictures are cartoony. You will have no trouble finding it at your library – I promise it's the most tattered and dog-eared one in their entire collection. Grownups tend to prefer pastel-hued, lyrical books that are long on "we wanted a baby soooooo much" and short on info. Kids, on the other hand, love this one. 

But why a silly book? I think children – even those ready for the facts of life – are pretty baffled by the whole thing once you explain it to them.  (In looking back, I sure was.) It's a mystery of human development that we're curious and ready to understand how sex works long before we get any inkling that it might be a fun thing to do.  So the lighthearted approach gets young kids where they live.  In my next post I'll provide an annotated list including other titles I like to recommend.

Back in the day, parents had “The Talk” with a child. Once. It was a hurried, awkward lecture instead of a dialogue. Thank goodness that day is past. The conversation about sexuality is is a periodic, extended one that may have long stretches of empty space, while things are percolating. Remember the “building” metaphor – you're creating a structure, so always go back and check your foundation. That means when your child returns to the topic, have him tell you what he already knows. You can correct any misinformation he may have accumulated in the meantime. (Believe me, it happens.) You're laying a groundwork of trust that will in time take you to conversations about puberty, dating, safe sex, birth control and beyond.   Let your child lead.  Your open attitude and his curiosity will govern the timing and nature of the questions, naturally cuing good answers.

"Where Do Babies come From?"

Dear Susie,
Our daughter was born three months ago. Now our son, age four, is asking all sorts of questions about where babies come from. I think pretty soon he's going to start wondering how she got in there in the first place! I don't know how to explain this. Is he ready? How much info is too much?

Dear Parent,
Your son is right on target, developmentally. Parents are often surprised to learn that, starting as early as four or five, kids begin to think about "where did I come from?" and "where am I going?"  (Or as Woody Allen would say, "sex and death.")  They begin to think outside of the present moment and to be conscious of having a past ("yesterday we had ice cream") and a future ("my birthday will be in June.")  They hear people talk about "before you were born."  (Before I was born??  Wow!!)  That gets them thinking big thoughts.  And asking big questions.

When your child launches into any of the so-called “Tender Topics” (e.g., sex, death, divorce, money, understanding differences) you are beginning a long, episodic conversation that will deepen and widen as you go.  Even the biggest, most complex building starts brick by brick. I think a good rule of thumb is to give the shortest true answer you can give.  "True" because you want to build your structure on a sound foundation and "short" because that way you can't overload them with information.  If your short answer doesn't provide enough info (or lacks the desired info) kids will come back...a moment later, a week later, a year later...with more questions.  If you can be easy and comfortable with these first conversations, it's as if you are leaving the door ajar for the next installment. Being evasive or changing the subject is like slamming the door. Kids might go elsewhere for information.  As you can imagine, that can be problematic.

There are a lot of reasons why you might find this whole topic really embarrassing and awkward.  Here's an ice-breaker:  tell your child what's going on for you. You might say, "I didn't talk about this with my own parents, so it's kind of strange for me.  But I really want you to ask me questions and I really want to give you good answers."  Children are super-astute about sensing our shyness or reluctance, but they can be surprisingly generous about cutting us some slack if we just let them know we're operating under a constraint.  Being honest will help them understand the discrepancy between your words (“I want us to talk about this”) and your demeanor (“I'd rather be having root canal.”)

For starters, kids are usually OK with "You grew in my uterus (tummy) until you were ready to come out."  After a while (moment, week, year) they usually start to wonder how the baby got in there and/or how it comes out.  Short and true?

     "You started from a tiny sperm (like a seed) in Daddy's body and a tiny egg in Mommy's body."

     "You came out from a hole between my legs. That's my vagina."
I want to stop right there and say "no fair using the C-section cop-out!"   I'm not sure why some parents find it easier to tell their kids that the doctor used a knife to open Mommy's tummy than "You came out of a hole between Mommy's legs"...but they often do!  If your child arrived by C-section, I'd give a 2-part answer:  "Well, most babies come out of a hole between the Mommy's legs, but we were having a little trouble getting you out that way...so the doctor helped by opening my tummy here and lifting you out."  That way, your child has the standard scientific info plus his own special story that explains the scar on your abdomen.

You're absolutely right that "how the egg and seed got together" will probably be your son's next question. More about this in my next post.

Changing Preschools

Dear Susie,

For a number of reasons, we need to find a new preschool for our son. How do you suggest we manage this transition? So far, we have visited a few prospective schools. Since I can't say in advance whether I will like the school or not (or whether my son will get in!) I have just been telling him “Today we're going to visit Toby's (or Hillary's, or Kelsey's) school.” Is that the right approach? This whole thing has me so upset and worried!

Dear Parent,

What a good question! Change is hard for a young family. Goodbyes and hellos are poignant, exciting, sad and challenging.

I think a week or two is plenty of advance warning to give a young preschooler when he is going to switch schools. Less than a week doesn't provide enough “percolation time” for the new idea to take hold, and more than two weeks is an eternity in the life of a very young child. If your son is the easygoing type, I'd lean towards two weeks. For the child who tends to worry about things, one week of hand-wringing is plenty! The children's librarian at your local library can introduce you to some topical books to read to him during this transition (in moderation, and if he seems interested.)

See if the “old school” will allow some kind of goodbye event on his last day. Most do – because it will provide the kind of processing all the kids need, both the child who is leaving and those whom he leaves behind. The whole event should be short, sweet and simple – maybe some cupcakes, taking photos, talking a bit at circle time about his new school and what he will especially miss about his old school. The “old” teacher can probably help set this up with you. Just because kids are resilient about change (usually more than we are!) doesn't mean that having the opportunity to process change by means of goodbyes and mementos isn't important.

If you know any families at the new school, try to set up a playdate or two in advance. (Sometimes the new school can help with this kind of matchmaking. They will know exactly which kid could use a new friend, or who might warm to the experience of being the old hand who gets to show a newbie the ropes.) It really helps on Day #1 to see a familiar face! But if possible, let him continue to socialize with a friend or two from the old school. This lets your child know that friends aren't replaceable. A special friend is a special friend, and we accumulate them throughout our lifetime. These relationships can transcend time and distance. If your son talks about his old school in a way that lets you know he's “homesick,” just let him feel entitled to those feelings without offering false cheer or rationalizing the change: “You miss your old friends and Miss Terri and the bunny. Saying goodbye is hard. Sometimes it makes us feel sad. Would you like to look at pictures from your goodby party...or draw a picture to send them?”

I really like your approach to visiting prospective schools: “We are visiting so-and-so's school today.” It's great to project as blasé and casual an attitude as you can possibly muster. (For as long as we can, let's protect our kids from that awful “sweepstakes” aspect of school applications!)  If you are still weighing options or feeling anxious about where he will go to school next, please share these feelings when he isn't around. Kids are very susceptible to parents' worries, and this really shouldn't be their problem.

In closing, while you are thinking “goodbye...worries...sadness” try also to think “opportunity...fresh start...hello!”

Why Do Toddlers Say “No” All the Time?

Recently, during one of my toddler classes, the inevitable question about “No!” came up. Toddlers say it so often. It's discouraging, it's exasperating, it's annoying. I encouraged the parents to brainstorm what they thought the toddlers meant when they said “No!”  Then I added a few of my own.  I hope that hearing this from the child's point of view may shed some light. Here’s what we came up with.

You say ”no” a lot. (And I mean really a lot!)  I'm just imitating you. That's how I learn just about everything!  Maybe you could develop different ways of setting limits:

            “The sand stays down”

            “Fluffy likes to be touched gently like this – yes! Just like that!”

            “That doesn’t look safe to me.  Let’s move over to the carpet...wow, that works much better.”

A big plus to intervening this way is that you’re giving me information.  You’re telling me what you do want instead of just telling me what you don’t want.   You’re showing me alternate behaviors.  And you may even be teaching me why something is a “no.”  Consider that it may be a good idea not to wear out the word “no” – you may need it to stop me suddenly and forcefully in an emergency.

I love power words! When I say “Baba,” milk appears. Shrieking “Mine!” makes my big sister back off. All I have to do is ask “More!” and my grandfather will indulge me in yet another round of our favorite song. “No!” is a power word too. It brings things to a halt. It makes eyes pop and heads spin. I love that! Please try to stay calm and state what you think I mean:

            “Sounds like you're sad to leave the park. I'm sad too! But I have to get dinner started.”

You've thrown in a little empathy and re-stated the necessity of leaving behind something we are both enjoying. Your next move is to follow through. Over time, I'll learn to accept the fact that we can want something and not get it...without falling apart and without taking it personally.

I truly don't know what you're talking about.  Maybe you’re referring to something by a name I don’t recognize.  For example, if I loved the model of the wooly mammoth at the Page Museum and I called it the "big-big effent," I won't have a clue what you mean when you say “Would you like to go to the Page and see the wooly mammoth?” Maybe you could say something like “Remember how much you liked the 'big-big elephant' at the museum? We're going to go see it again.” We can straighten out the terminology later.

You've interrupted me. Despite a reputation for having short attention spans, we toddlers can be quite riveted to things that interest us. (What captures my fancy may just not capture yours.) A five minute warning can be very useful in “getting ready to get ready:”

            “Sweetie, in five minutes I'm going to tell you about our plans for this morning.”

This piques my curiosity and helps me change channels to prepare for a transition. That way, I'm not caught completely off-guard by having to stop one thing and begin another.

I crave self-determination. The need for autonomy is my current passion. I want to do things myself and I get so frustrated when I'm not able. Please let me do as many things for myself that I can, even if I don't do them as neatly or efficiently as you could. And I need choices. Giving me a choice about which stuffed animal to take to the market might make me feel less oppositional about getting in the car to go there.

You asked me in question form, so I thought I had a choice. Parents have a funny habit of putting “OK?” at the end of a declaration, as in “We're going to the library, OK?” Maybe you want to sound less bossy, more genial. But a question is a question – and even though I can't say much yet, I recognize that upward inflection in your voice as an invitation to weigh in. So I say “no”...and you feel disappointed...and I feel tricked. As I said before, I love to have choices, but if I don't have a choice, let's not pretend I do. Tell, don't ask.

Maybe I want veto power. I don't yet have the ability to ask for many things, but at least I can try to exercise the power to negate. As I become more verbal and refine my ability to endorse and request – to use language in a positive way – you will see my urge to negate diminish.

I'm feeling trapped. Just as I have trouble requesting some of the things I want, I also have a difficult time articulating what I want to do. When we always have to do what you want/need to do, this underscores my feelings of impotence. Is it possible to spend some part of each day (even if it's just 15 or 20 minutes) simply noodling around and following my lead? That will satisfy some of my urge to direct traffic.

I have to be me. They don't call toddlerhood the “first adolescence” for nothing! So many of the same issues are at play in these two stages of life. I'm working very hard to individuate – to understand and promote myself as a person who is not part of you. If I say I don't want what you want, I get to feel very separate and distinct. I enjoy hearing you put this into words: “I like the red shorts and you like the blue shorts. Why don't you go ahead and wear the ones you like.”

I may not understand that it's for my own good. Let's say I'm playing outside and starting to shiver. You run in the house and come out with a jacket and try to wrestle me into it. To me, that's just an annoyance, an interruption. I haven't got an innate sense of the connection between my comfort and the jacket. Try breaking this down for me: “You look like you're cold. You're shivering and your teeth are chattering like this – BRRRRR. I'm going to put your jacket on you so you will feel warmer.”