"Do You Want to Go Home?"

“Do you want to go home?' is one of those wacky rhetorical questions we all ask our kids from time to time. It's usually said when we mean something like, “Your behavior is really out of bounds right now. If you keep misbehaving, we shouldn't stay.” If that's what is meant, why not just say so?  And is it really the child's decision?  Talking in code can be so confusing!

Another problem with asking “do you want to go home?” is that sometimes parents ask it when they themselves can't (or won't, or don't want to) follow through. Maybe they are relying on someone else for a ride back to the house. Or they need to be somewhere more than the child needs to leave. Case in point: if it's 4 PM and you're at the hardware store picking out a new faucet for the handyman who's arriving early the next morning, neither you nor your child (however cranky you're both feeling) has the option of postponing the errand. You're stuck with it – you need to be at the hardware store more than your child needs not to be there. So don't ask!

I've seen asking really backfire. I remember a mom in one of my parenting classes who desperately craved the fellowship and support she got from the other parents in the group. She had told us it was the highlight of her week. One day her daughter was having a hard morning. Out of sorts and much needier than usual, the three-year-old kept leaving the playground and interrupting our parent discussion. Finally the exasperated mother barked at her, “Do you want to go home?” To everyone's surprise, the child broke down, wailing “Yes!” The mother was over a barrel. As much as she needed to be there with us, she had asked her daughter the question, and the child's answer was emphatic. They went home.

Let's think about the times when you can follow through, and how best to do it. Say you're at a birthday party. Your child, fired up on cake and chaos, is in pinball mode. His activity level is elevated and he's behaving recklessly, so much so that he has just accidentally knocked over another child. If you ask him if he wants to go home, he will probably not understand what you mean. From his POV, it looks something like this: Yes, I am getting in trouble here at the party, but I'm having so much fun! I'm struggling to regain my composure, but what does that have to do with going home? Maybe I want to stay and “get it right.” He may desperately need to go home and yet not want to. The bottom line is that it's really your call, not his.

Instead of talking in code, communicate with your child. Assess the situation, set your boundaries, and follow through. You might say, “It looks like it's really hard for you to be here and keep your hands to yourself.” Tell him that if he crosses that line again, “then I'll know that it’s not working for us to be here, and I'll take you home.” If he has another lapse – even one – keep your promise. Put down your plate of birthday cake, tell your friend you'll call her later so you can finish your conversation…and go, just as you promised you would.

This solution is actually win/win/win. Your child has been relieved of a downward spiral from which there was no likely recovery. Your have been spared further embarrassment (and, for your child's future reference, you have made your limits and consequences crystal clear.) The birthday child and his family have gotten their party back on track. Everyone comes out ahead.