Some Strategies for Dealing with Aggression in Preschoolers

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS AGGRESSIVE

A child won't automatically “get it” that someone else's misery feels like her misery. Sometimes making another child cry is just sort of an interesting thing to do. Before empathy kicks in (and viewed out of the context of all that good, ethical behavior we hope to nurture) making another child cry can be nothing more than an experiment in cause and effect. Other times, injury is just the by-product of that single minded drive kids have, as when one child hurts another by barreling in and grabbing a toy. Instead of scolding, offer a cue: “Do you see Reiko's face? She's sad and hurt because you pushed her.” Your child will search your face and see that you are unhappy, that pushing is not OK. That may get some mirror neurons firing (mirror neurons are the ones that stir compassion.)

You may also need to walk your child through the process of making reparations. This will make both children feel better. What does Reiko want? Or you could ask your child to think of something to make Reiko feel better – a wet towel, ice pack, a cup of water or a tissue. Urging her to say “I'm sorry” if she's not feeling genuine remorse won't mean much to either child. (And, I would add, it might be teaching hypocrisy!) Have your child sit with her playmate until the other child is restored. Working through the reparation/restoration phases will probably do more to build your child's empathy than an “easy pass” like a forced apology.

If your child has hurt another child, 1) honor the impulse: “I can see you're really frustrated waiting for a turn with the doll.” Then 2) let him know that you don't like hitting and that you will keep everybody safe: “It's not OK to hit. I'm going to hold your hands while we talk so you can't hurt Jeffrey.” Finally, 3) explore other options: “What can you do next time you're feeling that way?” Over time, verbal expression will replace aggressive acts.

For the child who is going through a period of chronic biting (or pushing, spitting, etc.) try to stay very close and intervene before the behavior occurs. You'll learn to recognize the warning signals. Then honor the impulse, keep everyone safe, and explore appropriate options of self-expression.

I want to say a special word about biting. Biting is one of a number of aggressive behaviors (like pushing, spitting, pinching, punching, slapping) and that's all it is. It's not unique, though we tend to treat it as if it were. I've seen kids turned into pariahs for biting. Maybe it's just so primitive and animalistic that we think of it in a class by itself! But it's just a form of aggression like any other, and I don't think kids who happen to bite should be treated differently from kids who experiment with other aggressive strategies. I honestly think the “mystique” about biting is pointless and unhelpful.

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS THE OBJECT OF AGGRESSION

Help your child find the words to express the indignation she is feeling. She might say, “I'm mad that you hit me. I don't want to play with you when you hit,” or something like that. If this is said in a whine or a whisper, it won't have much impact. Coach her to use her big loud voice. If she can't (or won't) talk, ask if she's feeling [such-and-such a feeling] and see if it's OK for you to tell the other child for her. If she says yes, do so: “Leslie is very angry at you. Hitting makes her not want to play.” Then help her verbalize what she would like the other child to do for her. Your modeling will give her the vocabulary and the confidence to eventually assume responsibility for standing her own ground.

If your child is somewhat timid, it's really important to remember that “rescuing” him over and over does not make him bolder. It simply reinforces his feeling of powerlessness and underscores his dependence on you. As you gradually cede responsibility to him, the best way you can help is to be supportive without being over-sympathetic. You don't want him to become a “professional victim” by getting him hooked on your dramatic overreactions.