You Better Not Pout?

Dear Susie,

My daughter will be 4 this fall and she is on the bossy side.  Although happy and outgoing, she can pout when she doesn't get her way. For example, when she plays with other kids she will often want the toy her friends picked out for themselves saying, "hey, I want that toy." When she doesn't get it, she will pout by crossing her arms and sticking out her lips and going quiet.  That's the extent of it, but when it happens, I'm unsure how to handle it so it doesn't become a habit.  Maybe steadfast perseverance on my part?  She's sweet and has never given me any grief, never thrown a single tantrum, and has always been reasonable, but she has a need to control too now.  I am wondering how I can help make her un-bossy without breaking her spirit!

Dear Parent,

A four-year-old who's never had a tantrum has a lot of catching up to do! I'm only half-kidding. Autonomy (and its opposite, not getting one's way) is a huge developmental issue at this age. Maybe for your daughter, pouting is a sort of “silent tantrum” – a strong objection to being thwarted and a bid for control over an upsetting situation. I really like your term “steadfast perseverance!” Just as scolding, defending your position and caving in are all lousy responses to a tantrum, they don't work with pouting either. I agree that steadfast perseverance is the ticket.

Social learning is perhaps the most challenging kind of learning there is. It's not cut-and-dried like spelling or math facts. All that emotion-reading and interpreting and compromising and negotiating is hard, exhausting work. (And it's endless – talk about lifelong learning!) When a child expresses disgust, anger or frustration over having to share, try tapping into what she's actually experiencing: “You're learning to share your toys and it's really, really hard for you, I can see. Looks like it makes you feel [angry/frustrated/upset.]” And then avert your focus and let the pout dissolve in its own good time. Soon she'll be able to report on her feelings with words instead of gestures. (For a child who tantrums, I would say this same thing to him/her after the storm. Talking to a child mid-tantrum can be like tossing hay on a fire.)

Your description of her demeanor sounds almost performance-like, the classic “harrumph” gesture. Perhaps she's seen another child dominate by using this posture to say “I'm very put out – and you should do something about it!” Does it work for her? If there's a payoff, she will probably continue doing it. If it doesn't work (there's your steadfast perseverance) she'll move on. Meanwhile, you may need to remind her playmate, or your younger child, that just because she's taking that stance doesn't mean they have to give in or give up.

Wanting to get her way doesn't necessarily mean your daughter is “bossy.” We all want to get our way! She just needs to learn good strategies for negotiating and taking turns. It takes a while for kids to appreciate the benefits of compromise enough to hang in there and do all that social learning.

Perhaps rather than “bossy,” your daughter is “leaderly.” I use that clunky term because, after wrestling with the thesaurus, I realize to my shock and dismay that we don't have a word that is positive to describe leadership. Oh sure, we have “pushy,” “overbearing,” “authoritarian,” and on and on, but no flattering adjective. We say good bosses are innovative or dynamic or inspiring or charismatic – but those are just aspects of leadership. Where's the word for the whole enchilada? Maybe we don't have one because, as I said, we all want to get our way, and when someone else is in charge it just looks and feels wrong. When your daughter is being leaderly, catch her being good at it: “I noticed how you explained your idea to Rachel and Toya. They really liked it! What an imagination you have. And then you listened to their good ideas too...that must have been so cool, playing hospital together. What a fun afternoon you girls had!” In this way you focus on reinforcing positive leadership skills (communication, imagination, openness to others' input) rather than just squelching “bossiness.”