Changing Caregivers

Dear Susie,

We are losing our part-time nanny at the end of the month. I am considering moving Randy (barely 3 years old) to full time at his preschool. He does love school, but let me tell you, life is so much easier – he is nicer to us, more compliant, and he sleeps better – on days when he is at home.

I am feeling SO SAD to be losing our nanny – Randy is very attached to her, talks about her when she's not here, and looks forward to his days with her. I need advice on how to break the news to him, and how to explain that she is no longer coming to sit (although we will try to book her for some weekend date nights.)

Dear Parent,

The problem you are confronting is a common one.  It's daunting, and sometimes sad, to contemplate a big change.  First let me say something about his school schedule.  Contrary to what most parents imagine, a lot of kids do better going to nursery school five times per week than part-time.  (This is of course assuming it's a good school, where children are invited to do interesting things and the adults are loving and respectful.)  I think this has to do with consistency.  Most preschools offer part-time programs on Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday/Friday. The problem with this type of scheduling is that, for the child, every school day seems like a Monday  (and you know how we all feel about Mondays!) It can present too many "adjustment days" in the child's week.  It may make kids feel  a little scattered, the way having two jobs affects an adult.  You might be pleasantly surprised to see how well Randy adjusts to M-F, naps and all.

I think we should handle departures of friends (and to him, the nanny is essentially a friend) with honesty and compassion.  It's not good for anyone to disappear out of a child's life without notice.  Tell him the truth, that she has found another job and will no longer be able to take care of him during the days.  Say that you will try to arrange it so she can babysit for him occasionally at night, and then make good on that promise if you possibly can.  Make sure the two of them have a chance to say goodbye.  If nanny cries, or you and/or Rowan cry, it's OK.  People cry when they are sad.  Be sure you have photos of him with nanny that you can put in a little book to look at together.  He can dictate the words and you can write them down next to each picture.  (This book might be something that evolves slowly, over time.)

People sometimes assume that just because kids are resilient (which they are) the people in their lives are interchangeable.  I disagree.  When a playmate moves away, or a nanny finds a new job, we're sad and we can have an authentic goodbye.  And we can stay in touch. (Kids love to get snail-mail, and Skype works great too)   He can send her pictures and you can update her with the latest photos of him. By keeping in touch, we teach our kids that every relationship matters, and that even as we forge new ones, we cherish the old.  Things change because that's life – but we don't have to close any doors.