Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!