"Stop Crying, You're Fine!"

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the reunion of a performance company I belonged to many years ago. We reconnected, danced until long after midnight, and made wonderful music. Emotions were high. There was lots of reminiscing, both formal and informal. We laughed until our sides ached. And there were tears.

I noticed that when people were speaking publicly – whether giving tributes to individuals or to the overall experience we had shared – if they began to cry, they apologized. This was true of men and women alike. There is nothing unusual about this; you hear it all the time. But it was the first time I really noticed it and began thinking about it.

Why do we say “Excuse me” or “I'm so sorry” when we break down with emotion? We behave as though we had done something gauche, like passing gas or burping. Is strong emotion rude? Is it impolite or uncivilized? I can understand apologizing after losing one's temper, but what is it about the sweet, powerful emotions of nostalgia or sadness that embarrasses us? Maybe it's just an American thing. Perhaps in the end we're just a nation of cowboys who like to sit tall in the saddle and not let all those pesky feelings show.

I can't help wondering how this plays out with our children, especially boys. I've often watched people try to shush a hurt child, let's say one who's fallen down and skinned a knee. The parents tell the child he's not hurt and to stop crying. For starters, how can anyone tell another person he's not hurt? How can one know? And then I've watched as the child's distress grows, his wails getting louder and louder as people continue to deny his experience. I don't think this crescendo is due to increasing physical pain. I think he's getting wound up from the emotional pain of not “feeling felt.” He's saying no, this is awful – won't someone listen? I've always observed that a calm, appropriate response to the unpleasant surprise (and possible embarrassment) of falling, plus a little empathy for the pain, dries the tears a lot faster than “Stop crying, you're fine.”

I would love to hear from my readers, especially those who came here from other places or who have lived abroad, about how crying in public is viewed around the world. I'm also interested in how children are taught about crying – whether it's seen as awkward, silly, normal – in other cultures.
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