Changing Preschools

Dear Susie,

For a number of reasons, we need to find a new preschool for our son. How do you suggest we manage this transition? So far, we have visited a few prospective schools. Since I can't say in advance whether I will like the school or not (or whether my son will get in!) I have just been telling him “Today we're going to visit Toby's (or Hillary's, or Kelsey's) school.” Is that the right approach? This whole thing has me so upset and worried!

Dear Parent,

What a good question! Change is hard for a young family. Goodbyes and hellos are poignant, exciting, sad and challenging.

I think a week or two is plenty of advance warning to give a young preschooler when he is going to switch schools. Less than a week doesn't provide enough “percolation time” for the new idea to take hold, and more than two weeks is an eternity in the life of a very young child. If your son is the easygoing type, I'd lean towards two weeks. For the child who tends to worry about things, one week of hand-wringing is plenty! The children's librarian at your local library can introduce you to some topical books to read to him during this transition (in moderation, and if he seems interested.)

See if the “old school” will allow some kind of goodbye event on his last day. Most do – because it will provide the kind of processing all the kids need, both the child who is leaving and those whom he leaves behind. The whole event should be short, sweet and simple – maybe some cupcakes, taking photos, talking a bit at circle time about his new school and what he will especially miss about his old school. The “old” teacher can probably help set this up with you. Just because kids are resilient about change (usually more than we are!) doesn't mean that having the opportunity to process change by means of goodbyes and mementos isn't important.

If you know any families at the new school, try to set up a playdate or two in advance. (Sometimes the new school can help with this kind of matchmaking. They will know exactly which kid could use a new friend, or who might warm to the experience of being the old hand who gets to show a newbie the ropes.) It really helps on Day #1 to see a familiar face! But if possible, let him continue to socialize with a friend or two from the old school. This lets your child know that friends aren't replaceable. A special friend is a special friend, and we accumulate them throughout our lifetime. These relationships can transcend time and distance. If your son talks about his old school in a way that lets you know he's “homesick,” just let him feel entitled to those feelings without offering false cheer or rationalizing the change: “You miss your old friends and Miss Terri and the bunny. Saying goodbye is hard. Sometimes it makes us feel sad. Would you like to look at pictures from your goodby party...or draw a picture to send them?”

I really like your approach to visiting prospective schools: “We are visiting so-and-so's school today.” It's great to project as blasé and casual an attitude as you can possibly muster. (For as long as we can, let's protect our kids from that awful “sweepstakes” aspect of school applications!)  If you are still weighing options or feeling anxious about where he will go to school next, please share these feelings when he isn't around. Kids are very susceptible to parents' worries, and this really shouldn't be their problem.

In closing, while you are thinking “goodbye...worries...sadness” try also to think “opportunity...fresh start...hello!”