Our daughter was born three months ago. Now our son, age four, is asking all sorts of questions about where babies come from. I think pretty soon he's going to start wondering how she got in there in the first place! I don't know how to explain this. Is he ready? How much info is too much?
Dear Parent,
Your son is right on target, developmentally. Parents are often surprised to learn that, starting as early as four or five, kids begin to think about "where did I come from?" and "where am I going?" (Or as Woody Allen would say, "sex and death.") They begin to think outside of the present moment and to be conscious of having a past ("yesterday we had ice cream") and a future ("my birthday will be in June.") They hear people talk about "before you were born." (Before I was born?? Wow!!) That gets them thinking big thoughts. And asking big questions.
When your child launches into any of the so-called “Tender Topics” (e.g., sex, death, divorce, money, understanding differences) you are beginning a long, episodic conversation that will deepen and widen as you go. Even the biggest, most complex building starts brick by brick. I think a good rule of thumb is to give the shortest true answer you can give. "True" because you want to build your structure on a sound foundation and "short" because that way you can't overload them with information. If your short answer doesn't provide enough info (or lacks the desired info) kids will come back...a moment later, a week later, a year later...with more questions. If you can be easy and comfortable with these first conversations, it's as if you are leaving the door ajar for the next installment. Being evasive or changing the subject is like slamming the door. Kids might go elsewhere for information. As you can imagine, that can be problematic.
There are a lot of reasons why you might find this whole topic really embarrassing and awkward. Here's an ice-breaker: tell your child what's going on for you. You might say, "I didn't talk about this with my own parents, so it's kind of strange for me. But I really want you to ask me questions and I really want to give you good answers." Children are super-astute about sensing our shyness or reluctance, but they can be surprisingly generous about cutting us some slack if we just let them know we're operating under a constraint. Being honest will help them understand the discrepancy between your words (“I want us to talk about this”) and your demeanor (“I'd rather be having root canal.”)
For starters, kids are usually OK with
"You grew in my uterus (tummy) until you were ready to come
out." After a while (moment, week, year) they usually
start to wonder how the baby got in there and/or how it comes out.
Short and true?
"You
started from a tiny sperm (like a seed) in Daddy's body and a tiny
egg in Mommy's body."
"You came out from a hole between my
legs. That's my vagina."I want to stop right there and say "no fair using the C-section cop-out!" I'm not sure why some parents find it easier to tell their kids that the doctor used a knife to open Mommy's tummy than "You came out of a hole between Mommy's legs"...but they often do! If your child arrived by C-section, I'd give a 2-part answer: "Well, most babies come out of a hole between the Mommy's legs, but we were having a little trouble getting you out that way...so the doctor helped by opening my tummy here and lifting you out." That way, your child has the standard scientific info plus his own special story that explains the scar on your abdomen.
You're absolutely right that "how the egg and seed got together" will probably be your son's next question. More about this in my next post.
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