Free Time

A friend whose son is only four described to me the difficulty he's having with Karate. So many rules – do it this way, no talking or fidgeting, listen to the teacher – that are very, very challenging for him. I suggested that maybe on top of preschool (his day care center is pretty structured) it's just too much. Perhaps what he really needs after a day at school is to go to the park and just run around. In a year or two he will have outgrown some of his wiggles and will be better able to compose himself in order to master a skill. I could tell my friend was crestfallen. Signing kids up for activities is what good moms do, right?

In my mind's ear, I hear the wise, Hungarian-accented voice of the late Magda Gerber, baby and toddler expert extraordinaire and founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers.) Magda believed that parents were dragging their very young children to too many classes and structured experiences: “Gym! Stim! Svim!” she would hiss disparagingly. Was Magda right? What's missing in this world of scheduled playdates and pay-to-play, structured recreation?

One thing that's missing is hanging out. I think hanging out is way undervalued. Over lunch, another friend lamented that her five-year-old son doesn't have opportunities to hang out the same way she did at that age. Her conclusions about this really got my attention. Later, in an email, she reminisced “about the nature of the free time and how it affected kids' behavior in the home. When a kid was out and about, having free time, the time was truly free. No one watching, no structure, no team sports, no "play dates". The kids could make all the decisions and have all the power over that time. So when they got home they knew that was where they had to please-and-thank-you and observe the rules. Nowadays every moment is structured, overseen, corrected – so naturally kids are rebelling more at home. They never get that time to just do whatever and deal with the consequences.”

I think she's right on the money, and I thank her for this insight. In the “adult-unsupervised world” that I remember from the mid-to-late fifties (especially in the summer, when we pretty much roamed free-range) etiquette was fairly relaxed. Nonetheless, we stayed within bounds by being subjected to the logical consequences of our behavior – yes, those very same “logical consequences” that child development folks urge parents to use as discipline! If we behaved badly, other kids would say “Go home!” or “I don't want to play with you.” Ouch! But the next day we could start all over again. Each morning was a fresh opportunity to practice the self-control needed to norm our behavior to the social standard of the neighborhood crew. Our tribe's code valued honesty, compromise, imagination, a sense of adventure, and no hitting. This was hardly “Lord of the Flies.” We were just a clunky little democracy trying to keep it together, day after day. I think we all learned a lot.

Free time allows kids to be creative, to figure out how not to be bored, to make mistakes and correct them, and to discover what they actually do (and don't) enjoy doing. And it also gives kids the opportunity to learn what other children need and expect of them – something that often gets buried under the barrage of adult demands and expectations.

I would love to hear about what modern parents are doing to re-create the experience of the neighborhood pack. I know that you can't just turn them out on the street (even as far back as the '80s, when I was raising my kids, this was an impossibility.) So what are you doing to give them a safe but autonomous space, a time and experience that doesn't feel 100% adult-managed? I welcome responses to this site or at northmediates@gmail.com.