"Stop Crying, You're Fine!"

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the reunion of a performance company I belonged to many years ago. We reconnected, danced until long after midnight, and made wonderful music. Emotions were high. There was lots of reminiscing, both formal and informal. We laughed until our sides ached. And there were tears.

I noticed that when people were speaking publicly – whether giving tributes to individuals or to the overall experience we had shared – if they began to cry, they apologized. This was true of men and women alike. There is nothing unusual about this; you hear it all the time. But it was the first time I really noticed it and began thinking about it.

Why do we say “Excuse me” or “I'm so sorry” when we break down with emotion? We behave as though we had done something gauche, like passing gas or burping. Is strong emotion rude? Is it impolite or uncivilized? I can understand apologizing after losing one's temper, but what is it about the sweet, powerful emotions of nostalgia or sadness that embarrasses us? Maybe it's just an American thing. Perhaps in the end we're just a nation of cowboys who like to sit tall in the saddle and not let all those pesky feelings show.

I can't help wondering how this plays out with our children, especially boys. I've often watched people try to shush a hurt child, let's say one who's fallen down and skinned a knee. The parents tell the child he's not hurt and to stop crying. For starters, how can anyone tell another person he's not hurt? How can one know? And then I've watched as the child's distress grows, his wails getting louder and louder as people continue to deny his experience. I don't think this crescendo is due to increasing physical pain. I think he's getting wound up from the emotional pain of not “feeling felt.” He's saying no, this is awful – won't someone listen? I've always observed that a calm, appropriate response to the unpleasant surprise (and possible embarrassment) of falling, plus a little empathy for the pain, dries the tears a lot faster than “Stop crying, you're fine.”

I would love to hear from my readers, especially those who came here from other places or who have lived abroad, about how crying in public is viewed around the world. I'm also interested in how children are taught about crying – whether it's seen as awkward, silly, normal – in other cultures.
northmediates@gmail.com

Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!

Thank You, Sarah and Eamon

This is a very personal post. From Saturday night to the wee hours of Monday morning, I had the privilege of attending the birth of my first grandchild. I'm so grateful for her parents' generosity in sharing this experience with me. Seeing my daughter give birth to Ziva Brigid will be an indelible heart-memory.

Going through this with my family, I was flooded with memories of my own birth experiences. I also learned some new things that I wish I'd known when it was my time to give birth – like what the heck a doula does! And, watching their wonderful doula Kerry Allen guide them through the experience, I was also struck by the way childbirth prepares you for parenthood. May I share a few examples?

***

Patience and tenacity    Kerry kept saying, “patience and tenacity.” Boy, where would parents be without those two qualities? Waiting for things to unfold naturally, and for all your good parenting to take root, would be nothing without the tenacity to hang in there. Likewise, sticking to your high standards wouldn't be possible without the patience to endure less-than-desirable behavior and allow for seemingly endless “re-dos” until your child gets it right.

Be flexible about strategies – but give each strategy a fair try     Kerry had a rich supply of great ideas for labor positions and techniques. But she didn't jump around from one to the other. She would invite Sarah and Eamon to try this or that and then offer tweaks and assistance to make it work. When the experience had run its course, she would suggest another. As parents, we can usually think of more than one strategy for solving a given problem. Let's say we try an idea and it doesn't work. That's frustrating, of course. We could make a subtle adjustment, or wait and try it again soon, or do it at another time of day. But what we tend to do is think well, that didn't work, and move on. In desperation, we try another strategy, and another, and another, until finally the sheer cascade of contrasting stimuli brings about a meltdown. Whether you're trying to get a child to eat his carrots or to sleep through the night, it's helpful to settle on a program and stick with it for a while.

The arcs are similar but the particulars are unique    There are certain basic things that happen – usually in a certain order – between belly and baby. But every birth has its own itinerary, as well as forks in the road, and of course none of these small events can be predicted. Likewise, it's important to remember that every child weaves his way, developmentally, in his or her own manner. Every typically developing child will probably go through the predictable stages of the route, but at different paces and in different ways. Some will go back to pick up something they dropped on the path. Try not to fret over schedules and perceived deadlines. We can enjoy ourselves so much more by observing how a child gets where he's going – rather than obsessing about when.

 ***

This has been an extraordinary experience. I'm flooded with feeling. I'm amazed at this little family that is coalescing right before my eyes as they attune, cooperate and bond. I'm madly in love with someone I've only known for a few days. And I'm overflowing with gratitude for being included. Thank you, Sarah and Eamon.

Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part One)

Dear Susie,

Things are good here – just some craziness with the new baby (Samuel) and our almost-three-year-old, Aaron.

We did a lot to prepare Aaron – talking to him, reading books (Mother's Lap, Dr. Sears' What Baby Needs, etc.) I made him a book (based on your inspiration!) that has photos taken when he was a baby – breastfeeding, sleeping, playing, sitting up, crawling, etc., and we talked and talked about having a baby brother. We moved his room and got him settled into a big boy bed , and he had potty trained himself before Samuel arrived. We were careful about the way we introduced the boys. Dad brought Aaron to the hospital and I made sure not to be holding Samuel when he entered the room – I reached out to hold and hug Aaron.  We had Samuel “bring home gifts” for Aaron from the hospital.

Well, all of this is well and good, but so hard for him with Samuel actually here 24/7 and mostly attached to me breastfeeding. We are trying to give Aaron his own special attention every day. He goes to school Monday, Wednesday and Fri 9-12 and does My Gym and Soccer Shots on other days.  We tell him when he's a good big brother, we involve him in baby care, etc.

So, here's the issue. He is really getting aggressive at school – hitting other kids, taking toys out of their hands, pulling them off play equipment by their hair, etc.  The teacher has seen all of this before, especially in kids who have new babies at home.  Do you have advice about what we can do to help ease the transition for him and how we can specifically address this issue?  I know some of my friends who don't have new babies are facing aggressive behaviors with their 2½-year-olds, so some of it is probably just the developmental stage.  We are also trying hard to talk to him about consequences and to correct his behavior. (We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.)  We do, however, talk about the changes and try to discuss his feelings.  We read Hands Are Not For Hitting and Calm Down Time, and I have heard him say "1,2,3 I'm taking care of me . . ." to himself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Parent,

Congratulations to all of you on the birth of Samuel!  I'm including the entire text of your letter because it reads like a textbook on preparing a child for a sibling. These are all great strategies! You have made a monumental effort and have done everything possible to make the transition go well for Aaron.  But you're right – in the end, having a baby brother 24/7 who is hooked on to Mom in that exasperating way is often more than a guy can handle, even with all the preparation.  That's how it was at my house. Thank you for helping me make the point that, despite lots of conscientious groundwork, bringing a baby into a home with a preschooler can be hard.

My guess is that holding it together at home is challenging, so he lets it go at school.  Sometimes the reverse happens; when kids are new to a school or there is something stressful happening there, they keep it together all day and then become cranky or oppositional or aggressive right when they come home!  You say "The teacher has seen all of this before – especially in kids who have new babies."  Reading between the lines, I infer that the teacher is more blase about (and unsurprised by) Aaron's behavior than you and his dad are.  She's right - it's a typical pattern, and will surely pass.  I'm glad he has a place to let it all hang out and a teacher who is as empathetic as his parents.

Next week we'll talk about ways to help Aaron with all these intense new feelings he's experiencing.

Free Time

A friend whose son is only four described to me the difficulty he's having with Karate. So many rules – do it this way, no talking or fidgeting, listen to the teacher – that are very, very challenging for him. I suggested that maybe on top of preschool (his day care center is pretty structured) it's just too much. Perhaps what he really needs after a day at school is to go to the park and just run around. In a year or two he will have outgrown some of his wiggles and will be better able to compose himself in order to master a skill. I could tell my friend was crestfallen. Signing kids up for activities is what good moms do, right?

In my mind's ear, I hear the wise, Hungarian-accented voice of the late Magda Gerber, baby and toddler expert extraordinaire and founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers.) Magda believed that parents were dragging their very young children to too many classes and structured experiences: “Gym! Stim! Svim!” she would hiss disparagingly. Was Magda right? What's missing in this world of scheduled playdates and pay-to-play, structured recreation?

One thing that's missing is hanging out. I think hanging out is way undervalued. Over lunch, another friend lamented that her five-year-old son doesn't have opportunities to hang out the same way she did at that age. Her conclusions about this really got my attention. Later, in an email, she reminisced “about the nature of the free time and how it affected kids' behavior in the home. When a kid was out and about, having free time, the time was truly free. No one watching, no structure, no team sports, no "play dates". The kids could make all the decisions and have all the power over that time. So when they got home they knew that was where they had to please-and-thank-you and observe the rules. Nowadays every moment is structured, overseen, corrected – so naturally kids are rebelling more at home. They never get that time to just do whatever and deal with the consequences.”

I think she's right on the money, and I thank her for this insight. In the “adult-unsupervised world” that I remember from the mid-to-late fifties (especially in the summer, when we pretty much roamed free-range) etiquette was fairly relaxed. Nonetheless, we stayed within bounds by being subjected to the logical consequences of our behavior – yes, those very same “logical consequences” that child development folks urge parents to use as discipline! If we behaved badly, other kids would say “Go home!” or “I don't want to play with you.” Ouch! But the next day we could start all over again. Each morning was a fresh opportunity to practice the self-control needed to norm our behavior to the social standard of the neighborhood crew. Our tribe's code valued honesty, compromise, imagination, a sense of adventure, and no hitting. This was hardly “Lord of the Flies.” We were just a clunky little democracy trying to keep it together, day after day. I think we all learned a lot.

Free time allows kids to be creative, to figure out how not to be bored, to make mistakes and correct them, and to discover what they actually do (and don't) enjoy doing. And it also gives kids the opportunity to learn what other children need and expect of them – something that often gets buried under the barrage of adult demands and expectations.

I would love to hear about what modern parents are doing to re-create the experience of the neighborhood pack. I know that you can't just turn them out on the street (even as far back as the '80s, when I was raising my kids, this was an impossibility.) So what are you doing to give them a safe but autonomous space, a time and experience that doesn't feel 100% adult-managed? I welcome responses to this site or at northmediates@gmail.com.

TV or Not TV? Boy, What a Question!

Dear Susie,

When we were on vacation, we told our son the TV at the condo didn't work. Ordinarily, our 3-year old loves TV.   He talks about all the characters and he role-plays, etc.  (He still gets plenty of exercise, reading, cooking, art, etc...but still …)   So we had 7 days with  no shows and I think it's great.  Not sure how to play it when we get home.  One show a day sounds so ideal...but is harder than it sounds. Tricks?  Tips?  Thoughts?

Dear Parent,

I love what you did on vacation!  We often tried to stay in places with no TV.  I think now more than ever, unplugged family vacations provide a really healthy break from all the technology as well as a time to reconnect with one another in a more basic, unfettered way. And though this requires every bit as much discipline for most grownups as it does for children, everyone in the family benefits.

Once, a friend and I were settling in with our kids at a mountain cabin that we had rented – and discovered to our dismay that there was a TV in the downstairs family room.  She and I exchanged glances, impulsively threw a blanket over the TV, and the kids were none the wiser.  They spent their week in the mountains enjoying nature, reading, poking around in the dirt, observing the wildlife, hiking and all the rest. 

Of course you have the right idea about how his time is best spent – exercise, reading, cooking, art, etc.  And for now, the "no TV phase" is working. It's probably a blessed relief from having to set limits.  I imagine that with the passage of time you will, for some reason or other, begin to include TV back in your life. Let's assume that's true – otherwise you don't need an answer from me!

At the very least, an unplugged vacation provides a nice opportunity to step back, evaluate your media use, and reset the dial. Moderation is hard, maybe because "a little of something" is harder to define and manage than "nothing."  There's no point in whining and begging for TV if TV isn't available.  But some TV...hmm, how much is too much?  I encourage parents to bundle all screen time, to be clear about how much screen time is OK, and to stick to that "diet."  Beware the slippery slope. It's easy to justify “good” TV over “bad” TV and to get seduced by so-called "educational” computer games.   But when we do this, we forget that any screen time is time away from chasing butterflies, kicking a ball around, creating art, figuring out how to make and keep a friend, crafting mud pies -- the real work of childhood.

Having a rule and sticking to it is a habit, a good habit.  Begging for more is a bad one.  And that second habit can be broken if you, as the parent, are consistent and unapologetic about your rule.  All the grownups in the family should participate in setting and enforcing the rule.  (No fair playing "good cop" to your partner's "bad cop"!)  It's unrealistic to expect that there won't be tension around what is wanted and what is allowed.  As so many of us have learned in these past few years, a budget reconciles what we want with what we can realistically afford.  Budgeting time works exactly the same way.  And like budgeting money, budgeting  time is good for our kids – so by extension it's good for us too.

"Do You Want to Go Home?"

“Do you want to go home?' is one of those wacky rhetorical questions we all ask our kids from time to time. It's usually said when we mean something like, “Your behavior is really out of bounds right now. If you keep misbehaving, we shouldn't stay.” If that's what is meant, why not just say so?  And is it really the child's decision?  Talking in code can be so confusing!

Another problem with asking “do you want to go home?” is that sometimes parents ask it when they themselves can't (or won't, or don't want to) follow through. Maybe they are relying on someone else for a ride back to the house. Or they need to be somewhere more than the child needs to leave. Case in point: if it's 4 PM and you're at the hardware store picking out a new faucet for the handyman who's arriving early the next morning, neither you nor your child (however cranky you're both feeling) has the option of postponing the errand. You're stuck with it – you need to be at the hardware store more than your child needs not to be there. So don't ask!

I've seen asking really backfire. I remember a mom in one of my parenting classes who desperately craved the fellowship and support she got from the other parents in the group. She had told us it was the highlight of her week. One day her daughter was having a hard morning. Out of sorts and much needier than usual, the three-year-old kept leaving the playground and interrupting our parent discussion. Finally the exasperated mother barked at her, “Do you want to go home?” To everyone's surprise, the child broke down, wailing “Yes!” The mother was over a barrel. As much as she needed to be there with us, she had asked her daughter the question, and the child's answer was emphatic. They went home.

Let's think about the times when you can follow through, and how best to do it. Say you're at a birthday party. Your child, fired up on cake and chaos, is in pinball mode. His activity level is elevated and he's behaving recklessly, so much so that he has just accidentally knocked over another child. If you ask him if he wants to go home, he will probably not understand what you mean. From his POV, it looks something like this: Yes, I am getting in trouble here at the party, but I'm having so much fun! I'm struggling to regain my composure, but what does that have to do with going home? Maybe I want to stay and “get it right.” He may desperately need to go home and yet not want to. The bottom line is that it's really your call, not his.

Instead of talking in code, communicate with your child. Assess the situation, set your boundaries, and follow through. You might say, “It looks like it's really hard for you to be here and keep your hands to yourself.” Tell him that if he crosses that line again, “then I'll know that it’s not working for us to be here, and I'll take you home.” If he has another lapse – even one – keep your promise. Put down your plate of birthday cake, tell your friend you'll call her later so you can finish your conversation…and go, just as you promised you would.

This solution is actually win/win/win. Your child has been relieved of a downward spiral from which there was no likely recovery. Your have been spared further embarrassment (and, for your child's future reference, you have made your limits and consequences crystal clear.) The birthday child and his family have gotten their party back on track. Everyone comes out ahead.