The Death of a Pet - Further Thoughts and Book Ideas

In my last post, I talked about the death of a pet. These are some follow-up points you might find worth thinking about. Also included are books on this topic that I think are useful and comforting.

• Be sure that you share the sad news with all the important people in your child's life – teachers, babysitters, grandparents. You can tell them what your conversations have covered so far. Constructing an understanding of death is the work of a lifetime, and you have laid a few foundational bricks. Those close to your family may, if invited by your child, lay a few more. At the very least, they will want to commiserate.
• Avoid euphemisms. People use the phrase “passed away” a lot these days, but it has no meaning to a child. Not only is it unclear, but it delivers a vague hope of return. Get comfortable with words like death, dead, died, dying. They won't bite! And definitely avoid using “sleep” as a metaphor for death. This can be scary.
• If the pet who died was young, you won't be able to use the “old age” scenario described in my previous blog. Explain that it's very unusual for young animals to get this sick, and that the illness was quite serious – not at at all like a cold or tummy virus. Tell your child that the doctors tried really hard to make Muffy well again, but she was just too sick. 
• A word about euthanasia: it's really hard for young kids to understand the need to “put down” an old or suffering pet. Naturally optimistic, they see this as giving up. It's nearly impossible for them to understand it as an act of compassion. In this case, I'd just say the doctors tried everything but couldn't keep the pet alive. (This is not untrue. The veterinarian could not, in good conscience, keep Muffy alive.) By the time kids enter adolescence, they might have the maturity to accompany you when Muffy is euthanized. For the older child (I'd say a very mature ten-year-old, at the youngest) I'd check with the vet and give my child a choice about participating. Saying goodbye and seeing the animal die peacefully might be really consoling.
• Unfortunately, a lot of modern, urban kids only experience the sad part of the life cycle. So many of our pets are “fixed” (and IMHO, that's a good thing) that most kids don't get to see animals being born. Look for ways to expose them to this joyous and awe-inspiring part of the life cycle through media, or a visit to a farm, zoo or county fair.
• Kids can be immensely curious about what happens after death. If you are asked, I think it's best to tell your child what you believe. If you have faith in an afterlife, and you hope to be reunited with your pet, say so. If you're a nonbeliever, it may be tempting to paint a picture you yourself don't actually buy. That just kicks the discussion down the road. Also, it erodes trust.  You can say that the pet will be forever in our hearts and minds.  But what if each parent has a different idea of what happens after death? Why not? Each parent can say what (s)he believes while respectfully honoring the other parent's view. In the end, we all choose what and how we believe. Our kids will too.

Here are some really wonderful books about the death of an animal:

Brown, Margaret Wise, The Dead Bird is a classic that simply and eloquently depicts a group of children who bury a dead bird they have found.

Kantrowitz, Mildred, When Violet Died depicts the “appropriate fun, yet honorable funeral for a pet bird [and] uses the cycle of life and the bright future of a pregnant cat.” (Parent review on Amazon)

Viorst, Judith, The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is a realistic, tender tale about a pet cat’s funeral. The neighbor kids in this book disagree about whether Barney is in heaven.

When your child starts asking questions about people dying, or death in general, have a look at:

Grollman, Earl A., Talking About Death, A Dialogue Between Parent and Child is something of a “bible” on this topic. It is really two books in one, a text for children and a companion book for the parent which includes resources, an extensive bibliography and more.

Mellonie, Bryan and Ingpen, Robert, Lifetimes, The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children provides a poetic yet straightforward explanation of the life cycle.

Thank You, Sarah and Eamon

This is a very personal post. From Saturday night to the wee hours of Monday morning, I had the privilege of attending the birth of my first grandchild. I'm so grateful for her parents' generosity in sharing this experience with me. Seeing my daughter give birth to Ziva Brigid will be an indelible heart-memory.

Going through this with my family, I was flooded with memories of my own birth experiences. I also learned some new things that I wish I'd known when it was my time to give birth – like what the heck a doula does! And, watching their wonderful doula Kerry Allen guide them through the experience, I was also struck by the way childbirth prepares you for parenthood. May I share a few examples?

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Patience and tenacity    Kerry kept saying, “patience and tenacity.” Boy, where would parents be without those two qualities? Waiting for things to unfold naturally, and for all your good parenting to take root, would be nothing without the tenacity to hang in there. Likewise, sticking to your high standards wouldn't be possible without the patience to endure less-than-desirable behavior and allow for seemingly endless “re-dos” until your child gets it right.

Be flexible about strategies – but give each strategy a fair try     Kerry had a rich supply of great ideas for labor positions and techniques. But she didn't jump around from one to the other. She would invite Sarah and Eamon to try this or that and then offer tweaks and assistance to make it work. When the experience had run its course, she would suggest another. As parents, we can usually think of more than one strategy for solving a given problem. Let's say we try an idea and it doesn't work. That's frustrating, of course. We could make a subtle adjustment, or wait and try it again soon, or do it at another time of day. But what we tend to do is think well, that didn't work, and move on. In desperation, we try another strategy, and another, and another, until finally the sheer cascade of contrasting stimuli brings about a meltdown. Whether you're trying to get a child to eat his carrots or to sleep through the night, it's helpful to settle on a program and stick with it for a while.

The arcs are similar but the particulars are unique    There are certain basic things that happen – usually in a certain order – between belly and baby. But every birth has its own itinerary, as well as forks in the road, and of course none of these small events can be predicted. Likewise, it's important to remember that every child weaves his way, developmentally, in his or her own manner. Every typically developing child will probably go through the predictable stages of the route, but at different paces and in different ways. Some will go back to pick up something they dropped on the path. Try not to fret over schedules and perceived deadlines. We can enjoy ourselves so much more by observing how a child gets where he's going – rather than obsessing about when.

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This has been an extraordinary experience. I'm flooded with feeling. I'm amazed at this little family that is coalescing right before my eyes as they attune, cooperate and bond. I'm madly in love with someone I've only known for a few days. And I'm overflowing with gratitude for being included. Thank you, Sarah and Eamon.

Books About Birth and New Babies

Here are some of my favorite books about birth and new babies. It's a good idea to preview them at the library, because grab-and-go doesn't work for books about sensitive topics. You really want to be sure that what you are reading to your child conforms to your view of things.

Ashbe, Jeanne, What’s Inside? provides the toddler or preschooler with peek-a-boo tabs that indicate what’s really going on inside mom.

Cole, Joanna, When You Were Inside Mommy offers a straightforward but warm account of pregnancy and birth (additional information for parents in the back.)

Curtis, Jamie Lee, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born offers a story of adoption that is action-packed, funny and very touching.

Kitzinger, Sheila, Being Born follows Lennart Nilsson’s groundbreaking, graphic color photos that take a baby through the stages of conception, pregnancy and birth and up to the first moments of cuddling and nursing.  The text is poetic and lengthy.

Knight, Margy Burns, Welcoming Babies warmly depicts new-baby customs all over the world.  This book is very diverse and includes a preemie and an adoptee (additional information for parents in the back.)

Nilsson/Swanberg, How Was I Born? is another picture book using Nilsson’s incomparable photos.  The very detailed and straightforward text concerns a couple of siblings as they follow their mother’s pregnancy and the birth of a new brother.

Mayle, Peter, Where Did I Come From? has a light and humorous approach.  Kids absolutely love this honest, explicit and detailed book.

Showers, Paul and Kay, Before You Were a Baby offers a scientific approach.  Filled with clear diagrams, this book is for the child who wants a lot of “how and what” information.

Stevens, Carla, The Birth of Sunset’s Kittens is a classic.  The graphic black and white photos eloquently depict the miracle of birth.