Dear Susie,
Things are good here – just some
craziness with the new baby (Samuel) and our almost-three-year-old,
Aaron.
We did a lot to prepare Aaron – talking to him, reading books (Mother's Lap, Dr. Sears' What Baby Needs, etc.) I made him a book (based on your inspiration!) that has photos taken when he was a baby – breastfeeding, sleeping, playing, sitting up, crawling, etc., and we talked and talked about having a baby brother. We moved his room and got him settled into a big boy bed , and he had potty trained himself before Samuel arrived. We were careful about the way we introduced the boys. Dad brought Aaron to the hospital and I made sure not to be holding Samuel when he entered the room – I reached out to hold and hug Aaron. We had Samuel “bring home gifts” for Aaron from the hospital.
Well, all of this is well and good, but so hard for him with Samuel actually here 24/7 and mostly attached to me breastfeeding. We are trying to give Aaron his own special attention every day. He goes to school Monday, Wednesday and Fri 9-12 and does My Gym and Soccer Shots on other days. We tell him when he's a good big brother, we involve him in baby care, etc.
So, here's the issue. He is really getting aggressive at school – hitting other kids, taking toys out of their hands, pulling them off play equipment by their hair, etc. The teacher has seen all of this before, especially in kids who have new babies at home. Do you have advice about what we can do to help ease the transition for him and how we can specifically address this issue? I know some of my friends who don't have new babies are facing aggressive behaviors with their 2½-year-olds, so some of it is probably just the developmental stage. We are also trying hard to talk to him about consequences and to correct his behavior. (We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.) We do, however, talk about the changes and try to discuss his feelings. We read Hands Are Not For Hitting and Calm Down Time, and I have heard him say "1,2,3 I'm taking care of me . . ." to himself. Any advice would be appreciated.
We did a lot to prepare Aaron – talking to him, reading books (Mother's Lap, Dr. Sears' What Baby Needs, etc.) I made him a book (based on your inspiration!) that has photos taken when he was a baby – breastfeeding, sleeping, playing, sitting up, crawling, etc., and we talked and talked about having a baby brother. We moved his room and got him settled into a big boy bed , and he had potty trained himself before Samuel arrived. We were careful about the way we introduced the boys. Dad brought Aaron to the hospital and I made sure not to be holding Samuel when he entered the room – I reached out to hold and hug Aaron. We had Samuel “bring home gifts” for Aaron from the hospital.
Well, all of this is well and good, but so hard for him with Samuel actually here 24/7 and mostly attached to me breastfeeding. We are trying to give Aaron his own special attention every day. He goes to school Monday, Wednesday and Fri 9-12 and does My Gym and Soccer Shots on other days. We tell him when he's a good big brother, we involve him in baby care, etc.
So, here's the issue. He is really getting aggressive at school – hitting other kids, taking toys out of their hands, pulling them off play equipment by their hair, etc. The teacher has seen all of this before, especially in kids who have new babies at home. Do you have advice about what we can do to help ease the transition for him and how we can specifically address this issue? I know some of my friends who don't have new babies are facing aggressive behaviors with their 2½-year-olds, so some of it is probably just the developmental stage. We are also trying hard to talk to him about consequences and to correct his behavior. (We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.) We do, however, talk about the changes and try to discuss his feelings. We read Hands Are Not For Hitting and Calm Down Time, and I have heard him say "1,2,3 I'm taking care of me . . ." to himself. Any advice would be appreciated.
Dear Parent,
Congratulations to all of you on the
birth of Samuel! I'm including the entire text of your letter
because it reads like a textbook on preparing a child for a sibling.
These are all great strategies! You have made a monumental effort
and have done everything possible to make the transition go well for
Aaron. But you're right – in the end, having a baby brother
24/7 who is hooked on to Mom in that exasperating way is often more
than a guy can handle, even with all the preparation. That's
how it was at my house. Thank you for helping me make the point
that, despite lots of conscientious groundwork, bringing a baby into
a home with a preschooler can be hard.
My guess is that holding it together at home is challenging, so he lets it go at school. Sometimes the reverse happens; when kids are new to a school or there is something stressful happening there, they keep it together all day and then become cranky or oppositional or aggressive right when they come home! You say "The teacher has seen all of this before – especially in kids who have new babies." Reading between the lines, I infer that the teacher is more blase about (and unsurprised by) Aaron's behavior than you and his dad are. She's right - it's a typical pattern, and will surely pass. I'm glad he has a place to let it all hang out and a teacher who is as empathetic as his parents.
My guess is that holding it together at home is challenging, so he lets it go at school. Sometimes the reverse happens; when kids are new to a school or there is something stressful happening there, they keep it together all day and then become cranky or oppositional or aggressive right when they come home! You say "The teacher has seen all of this before – especially in kids who have new babies." Reading between the lines, I infer that the teacher is more blase about (and unsurprised by) Aaron's behavior than you and his dad are. She's right - it's a typical pattern, and will surely pass. I'm glad he has a place to let it all hang out and a teacher who is as empathetic as his parents.
Next week we'll talk about ways to help
Aaron with all these intense new feelings he's experiencing.
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