Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!

"Do You Want to Go Home?"

“Do you want to go home?' is one of those wacky rhetorical questions we all ask our kids from time to time. It's usually said when we mean something like, “Your behavior is really out of bounds right now. If you keep misbehaving, we shouldn't stay.” If that's what is meant, why not just say so?  And is it really the child's decision?  Talking in code can be so confusing!

Another problem with asking “do you want to go home?” is that sometimes parents ask it when they themselves can't (or won't, or don't want to) follow through. Maybe they are relying on someone else for a ride back to the house. Or they need to be somewhere more than the child needs to leave. Case in point: if it's 4 PM and you're at the hardware store picking out a new faucet for the handyman who's arriving early the next morning, neither you nor your child (however cranky you're both feeling) has the option of postponing the errand. You're stuck with it – you need to be at the hardware store more than your child needs not to be there. So don't ask!

I've seen asking really backfire. I remember a mom in one of my parenting classes who desperately craved the fellowship and support she got from the other parents in the group. She had told us it was the highlight of her week. One day her daughter was having a hard morning. Out of sorts and much needier than usual, the three-year-old kept leaving the playground and interrupting our parent discussion. Finally the exasperated mother barked at her, “Do you want to go home?” To everyone's surprise, the child broke down, wailing “Yes!” The mother was over a barrel. As much as she needed to be there with us, she had asked her daughter the question, and the child's answer was emphatic. They went home.

Let's think about the times when you can follow through, and how best to do it. Say you're at a birthday party. Your child, fired up on cake and chaos, is in pinball mode. His activity level is elevated and he's behaving recklessly, so much so that he has just accidentally knocked over another child. If you ask him if he wants to go home, he will probably not understand what you mean. From his POV, it looks something like this: Yes, I am getting in trouble here at the party, but I'm having so much fun! I'm struggling to regain my composure, but what does that have to do with going home? Maybe I want to stay and “get it right.” He may desperately need to go home and yet not want to. The bottom line is that it's really your call, not his.

Instead of talking in code, communicate with your child. Assess the situation, set your boundaries, and follow through. You might say, “It looks like it's really hard for you to be here and keep your hands to yourself.” Tell him that if he crosses that line again, “then I'll know that it’s not working for us to be here, and I'll take you home.” If he has another lapse – even one – keep your promise. Put down your plate of birthday cake, tell your friend you'll call her later so you can finish your conversation…and go, just as you promised you would.

This solution is actually win/win/win. Your child has been relieved of a downward spiral from which there was no likely recovery. Your have been spared further embarrassment (and, for your child's future reference, you have made your limits and consequences crystal clear.) The birthday child and his family have gotten their party back on track. Everyone comes out ahead.