Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!

Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part One)

Dear Susie,

Things are good here – just some craziness with the new baby (Samuel) and our almost-three-year-old, Aaron.

We did a lot to prepare Aaron – talking to him, reading books (Mother's Lap, Dr. Sears' What Baby Needs, etc.) I made him a book (based on your inspiration!) that has photos taken when he was a baby – breastfeeding, sleeping, playing, sitting up, crawling, etc., and we talked and talked about having a baby brother. We moved his room and got him settled into a big boy bed , and he had potty trained himself before Samuel arrived. We were careful about the way we introduced the boys. Dad brought Aaron to the hospital and I made sure not to be holding Samuel when he entered the room – I reached out to hold and hug Aaron.  We had Samuel “bring home gifts” for Aaron from the hospital.

Well, all of this is well and good, but so hard for him with Samuel actually here 24/7 and mostly attached to me breastfeeding. We are trying to give Aaron his own special attention every day. He goes to school Monday, Wednesday and Fri 9-12 and does My Gym and Soccer Shots on other days.  We tell him when he's a good big brother, we involve him in baby care, etc.

So, here's the issue. He is really getting aggressive at school – hitting other kids, taking toys out of their hands, pulling them off play equipment by their hair, etc.  The teacher has seen all of this before, especially in kids who have new babies at home.  Do you have advice about what we can do to help ease the transition for him and how we can specifically address this issue?  I know some of my friends who don't have new babies are facing aggressive behaviors with their 2½-year-olds, so some of it is probably just the developmental stage.  We are also trying hard to talk to him about consequences and to correct his behavior. (We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.)  We do, however, talk about the changes and try to discuss his feelings.  We read Hands Are Not For Hitting and Calm Down Time, and I have heard him say "1,2,3 I'm taking care of me . . ." to himself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Parent,

Congratulations to all of you on the birth of Samuel!  I'm including the entire text of your letter because it reads like a textbook on preparing a child for a sibling. These are all great strategies! You have made a monumental effort and have done everything possible to make the transition go well for Aaron.  But you're right – in the end, having a baby brother 24/7 who is hooked on to Mom in that exasperating way is often more than a guy can handle, even with all the preparation.  That's how it was at my house. Thank you for helping me make the point that, despite lots of conscientious groundwork, bringing a baby into a home with a preschooler can be hard.

My guess is that holding it together at home is challenging, so he lets it go at school.  Sometimes the reverse happens; when kids are new to a school or there is something stressful happening there, they keep it together all day and then become cranky or oppositional or aggressive right when they come home!  You say "The teacher has seen all of this before – especially in kids who have new babies."  Reading between the lines, I infer that the teacher is more blase about (and unsurprised by) Aaron's behavior than you and his dad are.  She's right - it's a typical pattern, and will surely pass.  I'm glad he has a place to let it all hang out and a teacher who is as empathetic as his parents.

Next week we'll talk about ways to help Aaron with all these intense new feelings he's experiencing.