Some Strategies for Dealing with Aggression in Preschoolers

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS AGGRESSIVE

A child won't automatically “get it” that someone else's misery feels like her misery. Sometimes making another child cry is just sort of an interesting thing to do. Before empathy kicks in (and viewed out of the context of all that good, ethical behavior we hope to nurture) making another child cry can be nothing more than an experiment in cause and effect. Other times, injury is just the by-product of that single minded drive kids have, as when one child hurts another by barreling in and grabbing a toy. Instead of scolding, offer a cue: “Do you see Reiko's face? She's sad and hurt because you pushed her.” Your child will search your face and see that you are unhappy, that pushing is not OK. That may get some mirror neurons firing (mirror neurons are the ones that stir compassion.)

You may also need to walk your child through the process of making reparations. This will make both children feel better. What does Reiko want? Or you could ask your child to think of something to make Reiko feel better – a wet towel, ice pack, a cup of water or a tissue. Urging her to say “I'm sorry” if she's not feeling genuine remorse won't mean much to either child. (And, I would add, it might be teaching hypocrisy!) Have your child sit with her playmate until the other child is restored. Working through the reparation/restoration phases will probably do more to build your child's empathy than an “easy pass” like a forced apology.

If your child has hurt another child, 1) honor the impulse: “I can see you're really frustrated waiting for a turn with the doll.” Then 2) let him know that you don't like hitting and that you will keep everybody safe: “It's not OK to hit. I'm going to hold your hands while we talk so you can't hurt Jeffrey.” Finally, 3) explore other options: “What can you do next time you're feeling that way?” Over time, verbal expression will replace aggressive acts.

For the child who is going through a period of chronic biting (or pushing, spitting, etc.) try to stay very close and intervene before the behavior occurs. You'll learn to recognize the warning signals. Then honor the impulse, keep everyone safe, and explore appropriate options of self-expression.

I want to say a special word about biting. Biting is one of a number of aggressive behaviors (like pushing, spitting, pinching, punching, slapping) and that's all it is. It's not unique, though we tend to treat it as if it were. I've seen kids turned into pariahs for biting. Maybe it's just so primitive and animalistic that we think of it in a class by itself! But it's just a form of aggression like any other, and I don't think kids who happen to bite should be treated differently from kids who experiment with other aggressive strategies. I honestly think the “mystique” about biting is pointless and unhelpful.

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS THE OBJECT OF AGGRESSION

Help your child find the words to express the indignation she is feeling. She might say, “I'm mad that you hit me. I don't want to play with you when you hit,” or something like that. If this is said in a whine or a whisper, it won't have much impact. Coach her to use her big loud voice. If she can't (or won't) talk, ask if she's feeling [such-and-such a feeling] and see if it's OK for you to tell the other child for her. If she says yes, do so: “Leslie is very angry at you. Hitting makes her not want to play.” Then help her verbalize what she would like the other child to do for her. Your modeling will give her the vocabulary and the confidence to eventually assume responsibility for standing her own ground.

If your child is somewhat timid, it's really important to remember that “rescuing” him over and over does not make him bolder. It simply reinforces his feeling of powerlessness and underscores his dependence on you. As you gradually cede responsibility to him, the best way you can help is to be supportive without being over-sympathetic. You don't want him to become a “professional victim” by getting him hooked on your dramatic overreactions.

Aggression in Preschoolers

Children are not born well-socialized. Developing appropriate social skills is a long, complex process, involving lots of experimentation, missteps and repeated redirection by patient and empathetic adults. Sustained cooperative play is not usually seen until age three or four. Aggressive behavior in preschoolers is 100% developmentally appropriate. And aggression is not always an indication of hostile feelings. You'll notice that children who seem the most aggressive are often more outgoing in other ways – answering questions, volunteering for a task, responding quickly to calls for “cleanup” etc.

Of course aggressive behavior can reflect strong negative emotions such as anger or frustration. But just as often, it is simply a primitive attempt to socialize, a clumsy way of saying “I want to play with you” or “I would really like you to pay attention to me.”

Struggle and competition are part of life. An adult can be most useful by sitting nearby, staying calm and assisting as the children work it out. The adult acts as facilitator, mediating rather than fixing or solving everything. For very young children it helps to “broadcast” the event, suggesting the emotions you think may be at play. “Aldo, Denise grabbed the truck from you. Looks like that made you really mad.”

Emphasize gentle touching, and tell children how you like to be touched. “It feels good when you stroke my cheek gently. It feels like this. Do you like it too?” That way, your child will develop some understanding of what you are saying when you redirect him: “Jonathan doesn’t like it when you pinch him. It really hurts! Can you touch him gently like this?”

Most children need help recognizing social cues. You may need to remind your child that some kids enjoy much rougher play than others. Help your child to “read” others’ faces as the play heats up. “I know you like to wrestle with Andrew, but I’m looking at Rashid’s face and he doesn’t seem to like this kind of playing.” Similarly, you need to observe your child so that you can help him with words or actions that will set his own limits. “Cyrus, would you like to tell Rachel that you don’t like to have your hair touched?”

Children don’t carry grudges, and we shouldn’t either! Saying things like “she's a biter” or “he's so bossy” make children feel locked into pattern of behavior. This makes it difficult for them to experiment with other, perhaps more appropriate, social strategies.

Try to keep feelings/wishes/thoughts/ideas separate from actions. As Magda Gerber said, “If we punished people for bad thoughts, everybody would be in jail.” A big part of socializing children is helping them find safe and appropriate actions to fit their negative feelings. Next week we'll look at specific ways to support your child when (s)he is aggressive and when (s)he is the object of aggression.

You Better Not Pout?

Dear Susie,

My daughter will be 4 this fall and she is on the bossy side.  Although happy and outgoing, she can pout when she doesn't get her way. For example, when she plays with other kids she will often want the toy her friends picked out for themselves saying, "hey, I want that toy." When she doesn't get it, she will pout by crossing her arms and sticking out her lips and going quiet.  That's the extent of it, but when it happens, I'm unsure how to handle it so it doesn't become a habit.  Maybe steadfast perseverance on my part?  She's sweet and has never given me any grief, never thrown a single tantrum, and has always been reasonable, but she has a need to control too now.  I am wondering how I can help make her un-bossy without breaking her spirit!

Dear Parent,

A four-year-old who's never had a tantrum has a lot of catching up to do! I'm only half-kidding. Autonomy (and its opposite, not getting one's way) is a huge developmental issue at this age. Maybe for your daughter, pouting is a sort of “silent tantrum” – a strong objection to being thwarted and a bid for control over an upsetting situation. I really like your term “steadfast perseverance!” Just as scolding, defending your position and caving in are all lousy responses to a tantrum, they don't work with pouting either. I agree that steadfast perseverance is the ticket.

Social learning is perhaps the most challenging kind of learning there is. It's not cut-and-dried like spelling or math facts. All that emotion-reading and interpreting and compromising and negotiating is hard, exhausting work. (And it's endless – talk about lifelong learning!) When a child expresses disgust, anger or frustration over having to share, try tapping into what she's actually experiencing: “You're learning to share your toys and it's really, really hard for you, I can see. Looks like it makes you feel [angry/frustrated/upset.]” And then avert your focus and let the pout dissolve in its own good time. Soon she'll be able to report on her feelings with words instead of gestures. (For a child who tantrums, I would say this same thing to him/her after the storm. Talking to a child mid-tantrum can be like tossing hay on a fire.)

Your description of her demeanor sounds almost performance-like, the classic “harrumph” gesture. Perhaps she's seen another child dominate by using this posture to say “I'm very put out – and you should do something about it!” Does it work for her? If there's a payoff, she will probably continue doing it. If it doesn't work (there's your steadfast perseverance) she'll move on. Meanwhile, you may need to remind her playmate, or your younger child, that just because she's taking that stance doesn't mean they have to give in or give up.

Wanting to get her way doesn't necessarily mean your daughter is “bossy.” We all want to get our way! She just needs to learn good strategies for negotiating and taking turns. It takes a while for kids to appreciate the benefits of compromise enough to hang in there and do all that social learning.

Perhaps rather than “bossy,” your daughter is “leaderly.” I use that clunky term because, after wrestling with the thesaurus, I realize to my shock and dismay that we don't have a word that is positive to describe leadership. Oh sure, we have “pushy,” “overbearing,” “authoritarian,” and on and on, but no flattering adjective. We say good bosses are innovative or dynamic or inspiring or charismatic – but those are just aspects of leadership. Where's the word for the whole enchilada? Maybe we don't have one because, as I said, we all want to get our way, and when someone else is in charge it just looks and feels wrong. When your daughter is being leaderly, catch her being good at it: “I noticed how you explained your idea to Rachel and Toya. They really liked it! What an imagination you have. And then you listened to their good ideas too...that must have been so cool, playing hospital together. What a fun afternoon you girls had!” In this way you focus on reinforcing positive leadership skills (communication, imagination, openness to others' input) rather than just squelching “bossiness.”

Books About Birth and New Babies

Here are some of my favorite books about birth and new babies. It's a good idea to preview them at the library, because grab-and-go doesn't work for books about sensitive topics. You really want to be sure that what you are reading to your child conforms to your view of things.

Ashbe, Jeanne, What’s Inside? provides the toddler or preschooler with peek-a-boo tabs that indicate what’s really going on inside mom.

Cole, Joanna, When You Were Inside Mommy offers a straightforward but warm account of pregnancy and birth (additional information for parents in the back.)

Curtis, Jamie Lee, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born offers a story of adoption that is action-packed, funny and very touching.

Kitzinger, Sheila, Being Born follows Lennart Nilsson’s groundbreaking, graphic color photos that take a baby through the stages of conception, pregnancy and birth and up to the first moments of cuddling and nursing.  The text is poetic and lengthy.

Knight, Margy Burns, Welcoming Babies warmly depicts new-baby customs all over the world.  This book is very diverse and includes a preemie and an adoptee (additional information for parents in the back.)

Nilsson/Swanberg, How Was I Born? is another picture book using Nilsson’s incomparable photos.  The very detailed and straightforward text concerns a couple of siblings as they follow their mother’s pregnancy and the birth of a new brother.

Mayle, Peter, Where Did I Come From? has a light and humorous approach.  Kids absolutely love this honest, explicit and detailed book.

Showers, Paul and Kay, Before You Were a Baby offers a scientific approach.  Filled with clear diagrams, this book is for the child who wants a lot of “how and what” information.

Stevens, Carla, The Birth of Sunset’s Kittens is a classic.  The graphic black and white photos eloquently depict the miracle of birth.