Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Mixed Messages



Today's guest blogger is my daughter, Sarah Meadow Walsh -
     
               I was always pretty sure I would have kids someday.  I babysat, nannied, worked as a camp counselor, and planned for a career in which I could work primarily with young children, completing Master’s degrees in education, children’s literature, and library science.  But when my husband and I found out I was pregnant, and the abstract idea became a reality, suddenly we were both thrown into this new and very unsettling position of not knowing what the heck we had gotten ourselves into!  When it’s your body changing, and an addition to your family arriving in a matter of months, all bets are off.  It can be overwhelming figuring out how to prepare for it.  Unfortunately, there’s a very aggressive and very calculated market out there targeting wide-eyed, unsuspecting new parents, working to convince them of all the things they “need” to keep Baby happy, healthy, safe, comfortable, and intellectually stimulated. 
  It can feel reassuring that someone has done what seems to be the necessary legwork.  Many online retailers go so far as to provide “handy” lists for parents creating a registry so they can just check off items as they go.  But remember – they’re trying to move inventory!  As with any consumer situation, it’s important to take a step back and separate the wheat from the chaff.    For example, almost all of these retailers suggest that a diaper pail is an absolute necessity.  Well, we got a small foot-operated trash can, which we empty frequently.  Problem solved (was there a problem to begin with?)  Here’s another one: wipe warmers. You’d think from how they’re marketed that they are parenting gold.  We thought, hey, our daughter flinches when a cold wipe touches her bum, and who wouldn’t? But then I read online that they only warm the wipes inside the container; once you pull one out to, y’know, use it, it might as well have been sitting in a bucket of ice.  Read reviews, ask friends who are parents, and figure out the must-haves, the kind-of-usefuls, and the don’t-needs.
Some of this you won’t discover until your baby arrives. And a device, brand or lovey that one family can’t live without, you could take or leave.  There are gigabytes of data devoted to this very topic on baby forums and parenting blogs, so I won’t do the rundown here.  But I’ve noticed a few trends lately that have me either scratching my head or downright concerned, and I want to discuss those here.
When our daughter was only about 2.5 months old, my mother-in-law saw a picture of her chewing on her hand with a look of intense concentration, and said, “She’s teething.”  We haven’t yet seen any teeth push through, but the preliminaries have been rough on her at times.  We have a few teethers that we got from our registry as well as some that people found for us, but I decided to do some shopping online to see what else there was.  I came across a company that makes what’s called “Droolery,” a line of trendy-looking necklaces and bracelets in a rainbow of colors that are actually made of silicone and safe for Baby to bite and chew on, so Mom can accessorize with the best of them and still help her little one relieve the pain and tenderness of teething.  Sounds like a great idea, right?  But it got me thinking…this is just one in a very long list of toys and baby items that replicate actual products that adults use or wear.  A teething necklace is handy, but what if Mom puts on a treasured heirloom?  At best, the child puts bite marks in it (this happened to a necklace that was my great-grandmother’s) and at worst, he or she could choke on a bead that comes off.  And then, as babies become toddlers, parents are encouraged to buy plastic “Shaving Kits” and “Fix-it Sets” for boys, and “Beauty Salons” for girls.  Aside  from the overwhelming gender bias of these toys, I find it problematic that these products, while cute or stylish or endearing, might make it hard for children to understand the difference between their toy and a real, potentially dangerous tool.  I wouldn’t be surprised if a child gets confused about why it’s perfectly okay for him to use a plastic razor, but when he grabs Daddy’s,  he gets yelled at and the razor is taken away.  Plenty of parents let their babies and toddlers play with the real pots and pans, and what’s the harm in that?  Well, if their “toys” are on the hot stove, suddenly they’re dangerous.  Same idea.  Little kids have enough to figure out without trying to differentiate between something they can play with and something that looks just like it, but is off-limits. 
For that matter, instead of surrounding kids with toys (and the sorts of things Magda Gerber, the genius founder of RIE, would call “contrrrrraptions”) give them experiences and watch them wonder.  Go for a walk, understanding that it will take three hours to get to the next street over while they inspect every bug, crack in the sidewalk, and stray leaf.  Visit the park and sit back, letting them dig in the sand with their hands instead of a shovel, so they can feel it sift through their fingers.  When they want to pretend to cook, resist the impulse to outfit them with all those costumey accoutrements and take a cue from my brother when he was about 3 years old.  My mom saw him playing in the kitchen and she said, “I should get you a chef’s hat.”  He responded, with an implied eye-roll, “Mom, I’m wearing a chef’s hat!”  Boy, he sure showed her.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Reasonableness

Many years ago, my child and I were enrolled in Pacific Oaks' infant-toddler program. The parent discussion portion of the program was not “instructional” in the programmatic sense. There was no set curriculum, but the conversations (led by a child development expert) were always lively and informative. We were, in every sense of the term, a support group.

A pearl of wisdom shared by one of the moms was something she learned from her pediatrician. Her child's doctor had told her that a good guide about how to respond to a baby or child was “reasonableness.”

Reasonableness? What did this mean? For one thing, it's a moving target. It's reasonable for a newborn to wake you, needing care and attention, multiple times during the night. But a four-year-old? Probably not, if that four-year-old is typically developing and in good health. So our adult idea of reasonableness has to mature and shift along with the growing child. Sometimes we get stuck in old behaviors, catering or accommodating in a way our child no longer requires. If don't up our game, we may be stifling when we mean to nurture.

Babies and very young children don't know what's reasonable. They are completely unfettered by thoughts of “is this a good idea?” Kids don't know about time, money, safety, nutrition or a lot of other concepts that govern our ideas about what's reasonable. It isn't until they are about four or five that they have mastered “the rules” and have developed enough self-control to, say, stop themselves from sneaking that cookie out of the jar before dinner.

The thing is, you can't expect reasonableness from a child – but you can (and should) model it. Often, I hear parents complain of being overpowered by a child's will, moaning “He insisted...”

Really? Your very young child derailed a playdate, or made you late to an important appointment, because he insisted? Sometimes, even when you have taken all the “right” measures, your child is going to be unhappy about events because she simply doesn't understand how important it is to stay safe or to be on time or that there isn't enough money for something. Let's say you have to take your three-year-old to a toy store to buy a birthday gift for another child. You prepare her by describing the purpose of the trip to the store and by reminding her that this isn't a time to buy things for her. Almost inevitably she will see something she believes she can't live without. You try to keep her “on mission” by reminding her about the stated purpose of the visit. She begins to cry.

Oh well. Tears are to be expected in the face of disappointment, but it's not reasonable to buy your child the toy, or even commence negotiating, just because she is upset. It's not either/or. She can be upset and you can stick to your plan. You may have to pay for the gift and carry her out of the store in a very agitated state. After she has settled down, you can retell the story, including how sad and disappointed she felt not to get the toy she wanted. Your resolve is paired with, not compromised by, your compassion.

Bear in mind that whenever you agree to an unreasonable demand, you are tacitly agreeing that the demand is reasonable. This is like telling your child up is down or red is blue. By being compassionate but firm, you help him learn what is reasonable.

A good first step is to agree with your co-parent what is reasonable. That could be harder than it sounds. Even if you need to compromise (creating a hybridized version of your two points of view) just having the two of you on the same page provides clarity to your child. Then be sure to get everyone (carers, babysitters, grandparents, anyone who spends time with your child) on that page.