Why Not "Why"?

When a preschool-age child does something exasperating, it's second nature for the parent to ask why they did it. We naturally wonder why on earth they hit their brother, or stood on a rocking chair to get something on a high shelf, or why they pulled the cat's tail.

Here's the problem with asking why they did it. Little kids are not very self-reflective. But they feel that every question deserves an answer. So they will probably answer with something off-the-cuff and superficial:

        “Because”

        “Because I felt like it”

        “I don't know”

Now you're really mad, right?  You hit your brother and you don't know why? As it turns out, asking “why?” didn't provide you with any useful information and it only dialed up your anger and frustration. This has made a bad situation worse because now you are probably too dysregulated to handle it with any amount of skill or grace.

Instead of asking “why,” try focusing on safety and your family's rules: “I can't let you hit your brother because it isn't safe. We have a family rule that we keep each other safe.” Then gently help your child make amends: Find out what their brother wants (e.g., a tissue, an ice pack.) Or have them put the rocking chair back in place and get the step ladder. Or practice patting the cat with a soft touch. (“Muffy loves it when you scratch behind her ears. Do you hear her purring?”)

“Why?” is a good question later, out of the heat of battle. Later in the day, when things are calm, I might ask, “Today, for no good reason, you hit your brother. I'm wondering why. You don't have to tell me why right now, but I'd like you to think about it.” That might be the end of it, but you have planted a seed of self-reflection. And perhaps it will help your preschooler to access deeply-held feelings that surface as aggression.