Playing Alone

Dear Susie,

My son, age three, never seems to want to play alone. When I have to get something done, like making a few calls or answering emails, he falls apart, nagging me or whining. Then I feel terrible. What can be done about this?

Dear Parent,
First, please don't feel guilty about wanting him to play by himself sometimes.  It's really important to learn how to do it.  You and his dad often play with him, and you provide him with plenty of opportunities to socialize with his peers.  But learning to spend alone-time productively is a life skill, and your desire to help him develop this skill is part of good parenting too.  Playing alone is something that doesn't come easily to kids who are very gregarious by nature.  In contrast, some kids play alone "too well" (!) and the challenge for their parents (and teachers) is to help those children tolerate all the communicating, negotiating and compromising needed to play collaboratively.

So how to develop this life skill?  I'm reminded of meditation.  Active and monkey-brained by nature, I can't imagine meditating for an hour or even a half hour.  But my yoga teacher began in five-minute chunks.  Hey, even I can do that. Then ten...maybe fifteen.  Once the benefits of meditating kicked in, I'd entered into a positive feedback loop;  now I look forward to the activity that used to be so unappealing and intimidating because I've learned that it centers me and brings peace.  After a time, your son may find that playing alone is pleasantly calming.

So try starting with a small chunk of time:  "I have to answer a few emails, so I need to to entertain yourself for five minutes.  After that I'll play with you for a while.  What would you like to do while I'm at the computer?"  Rather than putting out toys for him (which can feel a bit like an "assignment") you can help him put out the toys he requests.  That helps him set an intention.  A lot of  times we try to jump-start a child's solo play by playing with them for a bit and then tiptoeing away. This probably feels to the child like bait and switch (which, to be honest, it is!)  Playing together and playing alone are apples and oranges; having him choose an "alone activity" from the get-go doesn't have disappointment built into it.   (I'm assuming most of his toys are within his reach, which promotes playing solo.)

If he gives you five minutes to yourself without nagging and whining, say so:  "You're learning to play by yourself!  People sometimes learn so much and really enjoy themselves playing alone."  Also, remember that taking time for yourself to play Scrabble online or drop a line to your best friend or even just clear your inbox is "playing  alone," and that by doing these things you are modeling what you want to teach:  "I feel so relaxed and happy after I get all my morning emails done."  Over time, you can  gradually increase the length of time that you can expect solo play.

The last thing of course is that when you do play with him, even if it's just for ten minutes, try to single-task and stay focused. You might be playing collaboratively with him or you might just observe him and offer the occasional  comment.  (Kids just love to bask in your undivided attention.) But in either case, he won't feel like you're really present if you are also folding laundry or constantly checking your cell.  In fact, put away the phone for ten minutes.  Full-on time with you replenishes him.  Feeling satisfied (think: a nice, nourishing meal compared to a thin broth of your half-attention) is one of the things that will help him play alone later.

Changing Caregivers

Dear Susie,

We are losing our part-time nanny at the end of the month. I am considering moving Randy (barely 3 years old) to full time at his preschool. He does love school, but let me tell you, life is so much easier – he is nicer to us, more compliant, and he sleeps better – on days when he is at home.

I am feeling SO SAD to be losing our nanny – Randy is very attached to her, talks about her when she's not here, and looks forward to his days with her. I need advice on how to break the news to him, and how to explain that she is no longer coming to sit (although we will try to book her for some weekend date nights.)

Dear Parent,

The problem you are confronting is a common one.  It's daunting, and sometimes sad, to contemplate a big change.  First let me say something about his school schedule.  Contrary to what most parents imagine, a lot of kids do better going to nursery school five times per week than part-time.  (This is of course assuming it's a good school, where children are invited to do interesting things and the adults are loving and respectful.)  I think this has to do with consistency.  Most preschools offer part-time programs on Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday/Friday. The problem with this type of scheduling is that, for the child, every school day seems like a Monday  (and you know how we all feel about Mondays!) It can present too many "adjustment days" in the child's week.  It may make kids feel  a little scattered, the way having two jobs affects an adult.  You might be pleasantly surprised to see how well Randy adjusts to M-F, naps and all.

I think we should handle departures of friends (and to him, the nanny is essentially a friend) with honesty and compassion.  It's not good for anyone to disappear out of a child's life without notice.  Tell him the truth, that she has found another job and will no longer be able to take care of him during the days.  Say that you will try to arrange it so she can babysit for him occasionally at night, and then make good on that promise if you possibly can.  Make sure the two of them have a chance to say goodbye.  If nanny cries, or you and/or Rowan cry, it's OK.  People cry when they are sad.  Be sure you have photos of him with nanny that you can put in a little book to look at together.  He can dictate the words and you can write them down next to each picture.  (This book might be something that evolves slowly, over time.)

People sometimes assume that just because kids are resilient (which they are) the people in their lives are interchangeable.  I disagree.  When a playmate moves away, or a nanny finds a new job, we're sad and we can have an authentic goodbye.  And we can stay in touch. (Kids love to get snail-mail, and Skype works great too)   He can send her pictures and you can update her with the latest photos of him. By keeping in touch, we teach our kids that every relationship matters, and that even as we forge new ones, we cherish the old.  Things change because that's life – but we don't have to close any doors.

Applying to Independent Schools for Kindergarten

This is a compilation of hints, bits of advice and “dos and don'ts” that I've accumulated over the years.  These ideas are based on true-life adventures and misadventures. (I used to be a preschool director. Applicant parents, preschool teachers and admissions personnel talk to me about this stuff a lot!)  Please read with an open mind and in the spirit it is intended – to provide gentle guidance through what can be a nerve-wracking process.

1)  Be the kind of family your preschool can rave about.  The teacher will probably be able to go on and on about your child's great qualities.  However, the questions about parents are pretty cut and dried: they center on openness, reliability and participation.  The folks at your child's preschool will want to be frank, in order to protect their credibility and reputation.  Ask yourself if you’re doing all you can to be a dependable and useful member of your preschool community.

2)  Leave your child out of the process.  The only time you should involve your child is if the school has a “play date” which serves as an opportunity to observe your child in a group setting.  You can just tell your child, “We’re going to look at some schools and see what we think.  I don’t know if they’ll have room or not, or whether this school will be a good match for our family.” Period.  Please don’t coach or advise your child before the play date. Afterward, you will be interested in your child’s impression, but don’t pump him or her for feedback.  Final decisions should be the job of the adult(s).  Along the way, it’s only human to want to discuss and compare the various schools with family and friends, but avoid doing this in front of your child.  Some additional pointers about “play dates” follow. (If your child will not be invited to school visits, skip items 3-8.)

3)  Prepare your child.  You can call ahead to the school and get information about what to expect so that you can tell your child how the visit will go, whether there is going to be a separation from you, and any other relevant information.  Be sure your child is well-rested and well-fed.  A snack in the car will ensure that hunger pangs don’t take the edge off the experience, and a last-minute trip to the bathroom might add to your child’s comfort.

4)  If your child is ill on the scheduled day, call the school and find out how this is handled.  Perhaps they can re-schedule you.  Besides, you will be demonstrating courtesy and consideration.

5)  Be prompt.  It makes you look good and, more importantly, it will help put your child at ease.

6)  Remember, you are a guest.  They set the rules and you are visiting their “home” on their terms.  Don’t insist on visiting areas that are off limits or partaking of anything that is not designated for you.

7)  When visiting, be firm with your child.  Letting your child wheedle or get away with something just to avoid a scene will make a very negative impression on any educators I know!

8)  Leave at the scheduled time. If possible, give your child a five-minute warning and then follow through.  You can show these people you appreciate that their time is worth something (plus they’ll get to see that you set limits and that you follow through.)

9)  Remember that admissions personnel are responsible for putting together a diverse group of children, and that diversity takes many forms – gender balance, ethnic and socioeconomic variety, non-traditional family structures, an array of different personalities and temperaments.  Parents of shy children often worry that they won’t dazzle the admissions folks.  But imagine for a moment how unbalanced a classroom would be if all the children were extroverted, take-charge types. Yikes!

10)  Apply to more than one program.  It’s very competitive out there, so luck plays a bigger and bigger role every year.  You should research thoroughly, cast a wide net, and keep an open mind.  If one school in particular is you first choice, tell them so on your application or in your cover letter.  (Be ethical about this – there can only be one #1.)  Throughout, let your mantra be “I may not get my first choice…I may not get my first choice.”  Disappointment is survivable.

11)  If you are lucky enough to get into more than one school, please make a final choice quickly.  This will help others (some of whom may even be your friends!) get out of “Wait-list Limbo.”

12)  If you are dissatisfied about the way a school handled admissions, deal with it after the process is completed.  If you wind up at that school, get involved in admissions and work at improving things from the inside.  If you don’t end up attending that school, speak to your preschool director and let him/her decide whether to take this up with admissions.

13)  Overall, try to be eager (not pushy) and inquisitive (not critical).  Your demeanor tells them volumes about the likeliness of a healthy long-term relationship with your family – which is of course what they are looking for.

14)  And don't give up! The ratio of applicants to available spaces shifts in your favor from year to year. Next year, they may only have a spot or two open for first grade – but they will have far fewer applicants.

Try to have fun -- and good luck!

Navigating "The Red Zone"

My boot camp instructor, Steven Brown, calls this time of year “The Red Zone.” This is his way of warning us that the stresses of the holidays, combined with all the tempting sugars and carbs and extra alcohol that are put before us, can add up to weight gain. So, what are the dangers of The Red Zone for kids?

The upcoming cascade of holidays – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah/Christmas and sometimes even Valentine's Day – are super-fun for kids, but they present challenges. Extra travel is sometimes involved. Families are reconstituted as relatives visit us or host us. Sleep gets disrupted. There's a lot more sugar within grasp. Any and all of these things make some adults irritable, and kids are no different. The more we can practice moderation, keep to some kind of schedule, and maintain our standards for behavior (including parental follow-through!) the better off our kids will be.

I've noticed that adults and children process the “Before/During/After” of holidays very differently. For us, there's the big buildup, which can be stressful from the standpoint of planning, shopping, cooking – and budgeting. This is followed by the enjoyment of the holiday itself, and then a sheer drop-off as we bustle to return to “normal.” (Even the most ardent Noel-ophile I know is only too happy to box up the decorations, drop the kids back at school, and shuttle the in-laws to the airport right after Christmas!) For kids it's quite different. Their anticipation is unfettered and worry-free. Wild with anticipation, their only real challenge is waiting for the holiday to actually arrive. They relish the festivities and then what? There is a smooth, gradual slope back to normalcy as they savor the holiday's pleasures, chattering excitedly, reliving, and re-reliving the whole thing. (Any parent who has been treated to “The Dreidl Song” or “Jingle Bells” sometime around late January will know what I'm talking about.)

In the coming months, I hope you'll find useful strategies for mitigating the extra stimulation holidays present. I also hope you'll appreciate that your child's way of processing the Anticipation/Enjoyment/Afterglow may differ from yours.

In closing, I want to say a few last-minute words about Halloween. Part of the fun of the holiday is scaring and being scared. And it's only fun if the child can control the stimuli somewhat. Kids like to “play with their edge,” discovering where their fears lie, what they can tolerate, and how much is too much. Think of a child playing by the seashore. She ventures out as the waves recede, and then discovers whether she dares let them lap up on her ankles – or legs! – when they crash back up on the sand. If it's too scary, she backs up. Then she ventures forth again. Kids can do this for hours. They are playing with their edge, and it's both fascinating and fun because they have control. Insisting that a child confront a fear usually backfires horribly. Let them lead and you follow. This may mean involving a second adult who can take one child home, leaving any others to continue enjoying the festivities.

And don't be surprised if your child, who as a baby/toddler enjoyed last Halloween, has a very different “take” this year. Two-year-olds and some three-year-olds are famous for being scared stiff by disguises, especially masks. Sometimes at this age a very little bit can be too much.

Best of luck navigating The Red Zone!

"Stop Crying, You're Fine!"

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the reunion of a performance company I belonged to many years ago. We reconnected, danced until long after midnight, and made wonderful music. Emotions were high. There was lots of reminiscing, both formal and informal. We laughed until our sides ached. And there were tears.

I noticed that when people were speaking publicly – whether giving tributes to individuals or to the overall experience we had shared – if they began to cry, they apologized. This was true of men and women alike. There is nothing unusual about this; you hear it all the time. But it was the first time I really noticed it and began thinking about it.

Why do we say “Excuse me” or “I'm so sorry” when we break down with emotion? We behave as though we had done something gauche, like passing gas or burping. Is strong emotion rude? Is it impolite or uncivilized? I can understand apologizing after losing one's temper, but what is it about the sweet, powerful emotions of nostalgia or sadness that embarrasses us? Maybe it's just an American thing. Perhaps in the end we're just a nation of cowboys who like to sit tall in the saddle and not let all those pesky feelings show.

I can't help wondering how this plays out with our children, especially boys. I've often watched people try to shush a hurt child, let's say one who's fallen down and skinned a knee. The parents tell the child he's not hurt and to stop crying. For starters, how can anyone tell another person he's not hurt? How can one know? And then I've watched as the child's distress grows, his wails getting louder and louder as people continue to deny his experience. I don't think this crescendo is due to increasing physical pain. I think he's getting wound up from the emotional pain of not “feeling felt.” He's saying no, this is awful – won't someone listen? I've always observed that a calm, appropriate response to the unpleasant surprise (and possible embarrassment) of falling, plus a little empathy for the pain, dries the tears a lot faster than “Stop crying, you're fine.”

I would love to hear from my readers, especially those who came here from other places or who have lived abroad, about how crying in public is viewed around the world. I'm also interested in how children are taught about crying – whether it's seen as awkward, silly, normal – in other cultures.
northmediates@gmail.com

Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!

Thank You, Sarah and Eamon

This is a very personal post. From Saturday night to the wee hours of Monday morning, I had the privilege of attending the birth of my first grandchild. I'm so grateful for her parents' generosity in sharing this experience with me. Seeing my daughter give birth to Ziva Brigid will be an indelible heart-memory.

Going through this with my family, I was flooded with memories of my own birth experiences. I also learned some new things that I wish I'd known when it was my time to give birth – like what the heck a doula does! And, watching their wonderful doula Kerry Allen guide them through the experience, I was also struck by the way childbirth prepares you for parenthood. May I share a few examples?

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Patience and tenacity    Kerry kept saying, “patience and tenacity.” Boy, where would parents be without those two qualities? Waiting for things to unfold naturally, and for all your good parenting to take root, would be nothing without the tenacity to hang in there. Likewise, sticking to your high standards wouldn't be possible without the patience to endure less-than-desirable behavior and allow for seemingly endless “re-dos” until your child gets it right.

Be flexible about strategies – but give each strategy a fair try     Kerry had a rich supply of great ideas for labor positions and techniques. But she didn't jump around from one to the other. She would invite Sarah and Eamon to try this or that and then offer tweaks and assistance to make it work. When the experience had run its course, she would suggest another. As parents, we can usually think of more than one strategy for solving a given problem. Let's say we try an idea and it doesn't work. That's frustrating, of course. We could make a subtle adjustment, or wait and try it again soon, or do it at another time of day. But what we tend to do is think well, that didn't work, and move on. In desperation, we try another strategy, and another, and another, until finally the sheer cascade of contrasting stimuli brings about a meltdown. Whether you're trying to get a child to eat his carrots or to sleep through the night, it's helpful to settle on a program and stick with it for a while.

The arcs are similar but the particulars are unique    There are certain basic things that happen – usually in a certain order – between belly and baby. But every birth has its own itinerary, as well as forks in the road, and of course none of these small events can be predicted. Likewise, it's important to remember that every child weaves his way, developmentally, in his or her own manner. Every typically developing child will probably go through the predictable stages of the route, but at different paces and in different ways. Some will go back to pick up something they dropped on the path. Try not to fret over schedules and perceived deadlines. We can enjoy ourselves so much more by observing how a child gets where he's going – rather than obsessing about when.

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This has been an extraordinary experience. I'm flooded with feeling. I'm amazed at this little family that is coalescing right before my eyes as they attune, cooperate and bond. I'm madly in love with someone I've only known for a few days. And I'm overflowing with gratitude for being included. Thank you, Sarah and Eamon.