Dear Susie,
My son, age three, never seems to want
to play alone. When I have to get something done, like making a few
calls or answering emails, he falls apart, nagging me or whining.
Then I feel terrible. What can be done about this?
Dear Parent,
First, please don't feel guilty about wanting him to play by himself sometimes. It's really important to learn how to do it. You and his dad often play with him, and you provide him with plenty of opportunities to socialize with his peers. But learning to spend alone-time productively is a life skill, and your desire to help him develop this skill is part of good parenting too. Playing alone is something that doesn't come easily to kids who are very gregarious by nature. In contrast, some kids play alone "too well" (!) and the challenge for their parents (and teachers) is to help those children tolerate all the communicating, negotiating and compromising needed to play collaboratively.
So how to develop this life skill? I'm reminded of meditation. Active and monkey-brained by nature, I can't imagine meditating for an hour or even a half hour. But my yoga teacher began in five-minute chunks. Hey, even I can do that. Then ten...maybe fifteen. Once the benefits of meditating kicked in, I'd entered into a positive feedback loop; now I look forward to the activity that used to be so unappealing and intimidating because I've learned that it centers me and brings peace. After a time, your son may find that playing alone is pleasantly calming.
So try starting with a small chunk of time: "I have to answer a few emails, so I need to to entertain yourself for five minutes. After that I'll play with you for a while. What would you like to do while I'm at the computer?" Rather than putting out toys for him (which can feel a bit like an "assignment") you can help him put out the toys he requests. That helps him set an intention. A lot of times we try to jump-start a child's solo play by playing with them for a bit and then tiptoeing away. This probably feels to the child like bait and switch (which, to be honest, it is!) Playing together and playing alone are apples and oranges; having him choose an "alone activity" from the get-go doesn't have disappointment built into it. (I'm assuming most of his toys are within his reach, which promotes playing solo.)
If he gives you five minutes to yourself without nagging and whining, say so: "You're learning to play by yourself! People sometimes learn so much and really enjoy themselves playing alone." Also, remember that taking time for yourself to play Scrabble online or drop a line to your best friend or even just clear your inbox is "playing alone," and that by doing these things you are modeling what you want to teach: "I feel so relaxed and happy after I get all my morning emails done." Over time, you can gradually increase the length of time that you can expect solo play.
The last thing of course is that when you do play with him, even if it's just for ten minutes, try to single-task and stay focused. You might be playing collaboratively with him or you might just observe him and offer the occasional comment. (Kids just love to bask in your undivided attention.) But in either case, he won't feel like you're really present if you are also folding laundry or constantly checking your cell. In fact, put away the phone for ten minutes. Full-on time with you replenishes him. Feeling satisfied (think: a nice, nourishing meal compared to a thin broth of your half-attention) is one of the things that will help him play alone later.
First, please don't feel guilty about wanting him to play by himself sometimes. It's really important to learn how to do it. You and his dad often play with him, and you provide him with plenty of opportunities to socialize with his peers. But learning to spend alone-time productively is a life skill, and your desire to help him develop this skill is part of good parenting too. Playing alone is something that doesn't come easily to kids who are very gregarious by nature. In contrast, some kids play alone "too well" (!) and the challenge for their parents (and teachers) is to help those children tolerate all the communicating, negotiating and compromising needed to play collaboratively.
So how to develop this life skill? I'm reminded of meditation. Active and monkey-brained by nature, I can't imagine meditating for an hour or even a half hour. But my yoga teacher began in five-minute chunks. Hey, even I can do that. Then ten...maybe fifteen. Once the benefits of meditating kicked in, I'd entered into a positive feedback loop; now I look forward to the activity that used to be so unappealing and intimidating because I've learned that it centers me and brings peace. After a time, your son may find that playing alone is pleasantly calming.
So try starting with a small chunk of time: "I have to answer a few emails, so I need to to entertain yourself for five minutes. After that I'll play with you for a while. What would you like to do while I'm at the computer?" Rather than putting out toys for him (which can feel a bit like an "assignment") you can help him put out the toys he requests. That helps him set an intention. A lot of times we try to jump-start a child's solo play by playing with them for a bit and then tiptoeing away. This probably feels to the child like bait and switch (which, to be honest, it is!) Playing together and playing alone are apples and oranges; having him choose an "alone activity" from the get-go doesn't have disappointment built into it. (I'm assuming most of his toys are within his reach, which promotes playing solo.)
If he gives you five minutes to yourself without nagging and whining, say so: "You're learning to play by yourself! People sometimes learn so much and really enjoy themselves playing alone." Also, remember that taking time for yourself to play Scrabble online or drop a line to your best friend or even just clear your inbox is "playing alone," and that by doing these things you are modeling what you want to teach: "I feel so relaxed and happy after I get all my morning emails done." Over time, you can gradually increase the length of time that you can expect solo play.
The last thing of course is that when you do play with him, even if it's just for ten minutes, try to single-task and stay focused. You might be playing collaboratively with him or you might just observe him and offer the occasional comment. (Kids just love to bask in your undivided attention.) But in either case, he won't feel like you're really present if you are also folding laundry or constantly checking your cell. In fact, put away the phone for ten minutes. Full-on time with you replenishes him. Feeling satisfied (think: a nice, nourishing meal compared to a thin broth of your half-attention) is one of the things that will help him play alone later.
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