Some Strategies for Dealing with Aggression in Preschoolers

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS AGGRESSIVE

A child won't automatically “get it” that someone else's misery feels like her misery. Sometimes making another child cry is just sort of an interesting thing to do. Before empathy kicks in (and viewed out of the context of all that good, ethical behavior we hope to nurture) making another child cry can be nothing more than an experiment in cause and effect. Other times, injury is just the by-product of that single minded drive kids have, as when one child hurts another by barreling in and grabbing a toy. Instead of scolding, offer a cue: “Do you see Reiko's face? She's sad and hurt because you pushed her.” Your child will search your face and see that you are unhappy, that pushing is not OK. That may get some mirror neurons firing (mirror neurons are the ones that stir compassion.)

You may also need to walk your child through the process of making reparations. This will make both children feel better. What does Reiko want? Or you could ask your child to think of something to make Reiko feel better – a wet towel, ice pack, a cup of water or a tissue. Urging her to say “I'm sorry” if she's not feeling genuine remorse won't mean much to either child. (And, I would add, it might be teaching hypocrisy!) Have your child sit with her playmate until the other child is restored. Working through the reparation/restoration phases will probably do more to build your child's empathy than an “easy pass” like a forced apology.

If your child has hurt another child, 1) honor the impulse: “I can see you're really frustrated waiting for a turn with the doll.” Then 2) let him know that you don't like hitting and that you will keep everybody safe: “It's not OK to hit. I'm going to hold your hands while we talk so you can't hurt Jeffrey.” Finally, 3) explore other options: “What can you do next time you're feeling that way?” Over time, verbal expression will replace aggressive acts.

For the child who is going through a period of chronic biting (or pushing, spitting, etc.) try to stay very close and intervene before the behavior occurs. You'll learn to recognize the warning signals. Then honor the impulse, keep everyone safe, and explore appropriate options of self-expression.

I want to say a special word about biting. Biting is one of a number of aggressive behaviors (like pushing, spitting, pinching, punching, slapping) and that's all it is. It's not unique, though we tend to treat it as if it were. I've seen kids turned into pariahs for biting. Maybe it's just so primitive and animalistic that we think of it in a class by itself! But it's just a form of aggression like any other, and I don't think kids who happen to bite should be treated differently from kids who experiment with other aggressive strategies. I honestly think the “mystique” about biting is pointless and unhelpful.

HELPING YOUR CHILD WHEN (S)HE IS THE OBJECT OF AGGRESSION

Help your child find the words to express the indignation she is feeling. She might say, “I'm mad that you hit me. I don't want to play with you when you hit,” or something like that. If this is said in a whine or a whisper, it won't have much impact. Coach her to use her big loud voice. If she can't (or won't) talk, ask if she's feeling [such-and-such a feeling] and see if it's OK for you to tell the other child for her. If she says yes, do so: “Leslie is very angry at you. Hitting makes her not want to play.” Then help her verbalize what she would like the other child to do for her. Your modeling will give her the vocabulary and the confidence to eventually assume responsibility for standing her own ground.

If your child is somewhat timid, it's really important to remember that “rescuing” him over and over does not make him bolder. It simply reinforces his feeling of powerlessness and underscores his dependence on you. As you gradually cede responsibility to him, the best way you can help is to be supportive without being over-sympathetic. You don't want him to become a “professional victim” by getting him hooked on your dramatic overreactions.

Aggression in Preschoolers

Children are not born well-socialized. Developing appropriate social skills is a long, complex process, involving lots of experimentation, missteps and repeated redirection by patient and empathetic adults. Sustained cooperative play is not usually seen until age three or four. Aggressive behavior in preschoolers is 100% developmentally appropriate. And aggression is not always an indication of hostile feelings. You'll notice that children who seem the most aggressive are often more outgoing in other ways – answering questions, volunteering for a task, responding quickly to calls for “cleanup” etc.

Of course aggressive behavior can reflect strong negative emotions such as anger or frustration. But just as often, it is simply a primitive attempt to socialize, a clumsy way of saying “I want to play with you” or “I would really like you to pay attention to me.”

Struggle and competition are part of life. An adult can be most useful by sitting nearby, staying calm and assisting as the children work it out. The adult acts as facilitator, mediating rather than fixing or solving everything. For very young children it helps to “broadcast” the event, suggesting the emotions you think may be at play. “Aldo, Denise grabbed the truck from you. Looks like that made you really mad.”

Emphasize gentle touching, and tell children how you like to be touched. “It feels good when you stroke my cheek gently. It feels like this. Do you like it too?” That way, your child will develop some understanding of what you are saying when you redirect him: “Jonathan doesn’t like it when you pinch him. It really hurts! Can you touch him gently like this?”

Most children need help recognizing social cues. You may need to remind your child that some kids enjoy much rougher play than others. Help your child to “read” others’ faces as the play heats up. “I know you like to wrestle with Andrew, but I’m looking at Rashid’s face and he doesn’t seem to like this kind of playing.” Similarly, you need to observe your child so that you can help him with words or actions that will set his own limits. “Cyrus, would you like to tell Rachel that you don’t like to have your hair touched?”

Children don’t carry grudges, and we shouldn’t either! Saying things like “she's a biter” or “he's so bossy” make children feel locked into pattern of behavior. This makes it difficult for them to experiment with other, perhaps more appropriate, social strategies.

Try to keep feelings/wishes/thoughts/ideas separate from actions. As Magda Gerber said, “If we punished people for bad thoughts, everybody would be in jail.” A big part of socializing children is helping them find safe and appropriate actions to fit their negative feelings. Next week we'll look at specific ways to support your child when (s)he is aggressive and when (s)he is the object of aggression.

You Better Not Pout?

Dear Susie,

My daughter will be 4 this fall and she is on the bossy side.  Although happy and outgoing, she can pout when she doesn't get her way. For example, when she plays with other kids she will often want the toy her friends picked out for themselves saying, "hey, I want that toy." When she doesn't get it, she will pout by crossing her arms and sticking out her lips and going quiet.  That's the extent of it, but when it happens, I'm unsure how to handle it so it doesn't become a habit.  Maybe steadfast perseverance on my part?  She's sweet and has never given me any grief, never thrown a single tantrum, and has always been reasonable, but she has a need to control too now.  I am wondering how I can help make her un-bossy without breaking her spirit!

Dear Parent,

A four-year-old who's never had a tantrum has a lot of catching up to do! I'm only half-kidding. Autonomy (and its opposite, not getting one's way) is a huge developmental issue at this age. Maybe for your daughter, pouting is a sort of “silent tantrum” – a strong objection to being thwarted and a bid for control over an upsetting situation. I really like your term “steadfast perseverance!” Just as scolding, defending your position and caving in are all lousy responses to a tantrum, they don't work with pouting either. I agree that steadfast perseverance is the ticket.

Social learning is perhaps the most challenging kind of learning there is. It's not cut-and-dried like spelling or math facts. All that emotion-reading and interpreting and compromising and negotiating is hard, exhausting work. (And it's endless – talk about lifelong learning!) When a child expresses disgust, anger or frustration over having to share, try tapping into what she's actually experiencing: “You're learning to share your toys and it's really, really hard for you, I can see. Looks like it makes you feel [angry/frustrated/upset.]” And then avert your focus and let the pout dissolve in its own good time. Soon she'll be able to report on her feelings with words instead of gestures. (For a child who tantrums, I would say this same thing to him/her after the storm. Talking to a child mid-tantrum can be like tossing hay on a fire.)

Your description of her demeanor sounds almost performance-like, the classic “harrumph” gesture. Perhaps she's seen another child dominate by using this posture to say “I'm very put out – and you should do something about it!” Does it work for her? If there's a payoff, she will probably continue doing it. If it doesn't work (there's your steadfast perseverance) she'll move on. Meanwhile, you may need to remind her playmate, or your younger child, that just because she's taking that stance doesn't mean they have to give in or give up.

Wanting to get her way doesn't necessarily mean your daughter is “bossy.” We all want to get our way! She just needs to learn good strategies for negotiating and taking turns. It takes a while for kids to appreciate the benefits of compromise enough to hang in there and do all that social learning.

Perhaps rather than “bossy,” your daughter is “leaderly.” I use that clunky term because, after wrestling with the thesaurus, I realize to my shock and dismay that we don't have a word that is positive to describe leadership. Oh sure, we have “pushy,” “overbearing,” “authoritarian,” and on and on, but no flattering adjective. We say good bosses are innovative or dynamic or inspiring or charismatic – but those are just aspects of leadership. Where's the word for the whole enchilada? Maybe we don't have one because, as I said, we all want to get our way, and when someone else is in charge it just looks and feels wrong. When your daughter is being leaderly, catch her being good at it: “I noticed how you explained your idea to Rachel and Toya. They really liked it! What an imagination you have. And then you listened to their good ideas too...that must have been so cool, playing hospital together. What a fun afternoon you girls had!” In this way you focus on reinforcing positive leadership skills (communication, imagination, openness to others' input) rather than just squelching “bossiness.”

Books About Birth and New Babies

Here are some of my favorite books about birth and new babies. It's a good idea to preview them at the library, because grab-and-go doesn't work for books about sensitive topics. You really want to be sure that what you are reading to your child conforms to your view of things.

Ashbe, Jeanne, What’s Inside? provides the toddler or preschooler with peek-a-boo tabs that indicate what’s really going on inside mom.

Cole, Joanna, When You Were Inside Mommy offers a straightforward but warm account of pregnancy and birth (additional information for parents in the back.)

Curtis, Jamie Lee, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born offers a story of adoption that is action-packed, funny and very touching.

Kitzinger, Sheila, Being Born follows Lennart Nilsson’s groundbreaking, graphic color photos that take a baby through the stages of conception, pregnancy and birth and up to the first moments of cuddling and nursing.  The text is poetic and lengthy.

Knight, Margy Burns, Welcoming Babies warmly depicts new-baby customs all over the world.  This book is very diverse and includes a preemie and an adoptee (additional information for parents in the back.)

Nilsson/Swanberg, How Was I Born? is another picture book using Nilsson’s incomparable photos.  The very detailed and straightforward text concerns a couple of siblings as they follow their mother’s pregnancy and the birth of a new brother.

Mayle, Peter, Where Did I Come From? has a light and humorous approach.  Kids absolutely love this honest, explicit and detailed book.

Showers, Paul and Kay, Before You Were a Baby offers a scientific approach.  Filled with clear diagrams, this book is for the child who wants a lot of “how and what” information.

Stevens, Carla, The Birth of Sunset’s Kittens is a classic.  The graphic black and white photos eloquently depict the miracle of birth.

"But How do the Egg and the Seed Get Together?"

In my last post, we looked at ways to answer children's earliest questions about how babies are made. A mom was worried about sharing too much information, especially when kids get past the preliminaries about eggs and seeds and really want to know how that seed and egg got together.  Again, the answer that's right for a child (at any developmental stage) is the short/true answer to his particular question.  If he weren't ready for the answer, he probably wouldn't be framing the question.

If he asks how the seed and egg meet, I would say something like "Mommies and Daddies have a very loving feeling about each other and they want to be super-close.  Sometimes when they are alone together and hugging and kissing they get so excited and happy that something amazing happens.  The Daddy's penis goes into the Mommy's vagina.  That's how the seed from Daddy got together with the egg in Mommy – to make you and then to make your sister."

One of my very favorite books on this topic is Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?  Check it out and see if it fits the bill.  It may be too wordy for most 4-year-olds, but the preschooler or school-age child who likes to take his time over books will probably enjoy it.  It's for kids who are already asking all of these questions; reading it before that has happened would be a case of major overload! I should add that this book isn't every parent's cup of tea. It's very funny and it's irreverent and quite explicit.  The pictures are cartoony. You will have no trouble finding it at your library – I promise it's the most tattered and dog-eared one in their entire collection. Grownups tend to prefer pastel-hued, lyrical books that are long on "we wanted a baby soooooo much" and short on info. Kids, on the other hand, love this one. 

But why a silly book? I think children – even those ready for the facts of life – are pretty baffled by the whole thing once you explain it to them.  (In looking back, I sure was.) It's a mystery of human development that we're curious and ready to understand how sex works long before we get any inkling that it might be a fun thing to do.  So the lighthearted approach gets young kids where they live.  In my next post I'll provide an annotated list including other titles I like to recommend.

Back in the day, parents had “The Talk” with a child. Once. It was a hurried, awkward lecture instead of a dialogue. Thank goodness that day is past. The conversation about sexuality is is a periodic, extended one that may have long stretches of empty space, while things are percolating. Remember the “building” metaphor – you're creating a structure, so always go back and check your foundation. That means when your child returns to the topic, have him tell you what he already knows. You can correct any misinformation he may have accumulated in the meantime. (Believe me, it happens.) You're laying a groundwork of trust that will in time take you to conversations about puberty, dating, safe sex, birth control and beyond.   Let your child lead.  Your open attitude and his curiosity will govern the timing and nature of the questions, naturally cuing good answers.

"Where Do Babies come From?"

Dear Susie,
Our daughter was born three months ago. Now our son, age four, is asking all sorts of questions about where babies come from. I think pretty soon he's going to start wondering how she got in there in the first place! I don't know how to explain this. Is he ready? How much info is too much?

Dear Parent,
Your son is right on target, developmentally. Parents are often surprised to learn that, starting as early as four or five, kids begin to think about "where did I come from?" and "where am I going?"  (Or as Woody Allen would say, "sex and death.")  They begin to think outside of the present moment and to be conscious of having a past ("yesterday we had ice cream") and a future ("my birthday will be in June.")  They hear people talk about "before you were born."  (Before I was born??  Wow!!)  That gets them thinking big thoughts.  And asking big questions.

When your child launches into any of the so-called “Tender Topics” (e.g., sex, death, divorce, money, understanding differences) you are beginning a long, episodic conversation that will deepen and widen as you go.  Even the biggest, most complex building starts brick by brick. I think a good rule of thumb is to give the shortest true answer you can give.  "True" because you want to build your structure on a sound foundation and "short" because that way you can't overload them with information.  If your short answer doesn't provide enough info (or lacks the desired info) kids will come back...a moment later, a week later, a year later...with more questions.  If you can be easy and comfortable with these first conversations, it's as if you are leaving the door ajar for the next installment. Being evasive or changing the subject is like slamming the door. Kids might go elsewhere for information.  As you can imagine, that can be problematic.

There are a lot of reasons why you might find this whole topic really embarrassing and awkward.  Here's an ice-breaker:  tell your child what's going on for you. You might say, "I didn't talk about this with my own parents, so it's kind of strange for me.  But I really want you to ask me questions and I really want to give you good answers."  Children are super-astute about sensing our shyness or reluctance, but they can be surprisingly generous about cutting us some slack if we just let them know we're operating under a constraint.  Being honest will help them understand the discrepancy between your words (“I want us to talk about this”) and your demeanor (“I'd rather be having root canal.”)

For starters, kids are usually OK with "You grew in my uterus (tummy) until you were ready to come out."  After a while (moment, week, year) they usually start to wonder how the baby got in there and/or how it comes out.  Short and true?

     "You started from a tiny sperm (like a seed) in Daddy's body and a tiny egg in Mommy's body."

     "You came out from a hole between my legs. That's my vagina."
I want to stop right there and say "no fair using the C-section cop-out!"   I'm not sure why some parents find it easier to tell their kids that the doctor used a knife to open Mommy's tummy than "You came out of a hole between Mommy's legs"...but they often do!  If your child arrived by C-section, I'd give a 2-part answer:  "Well, most babies come out of a hole between the Mommy's legs, but we were having a little trouble getting you out that way...so the doctor helped by opening my tummy here and lifting you out."  That way, your child has the standard scientific info plus his own special story that explains the scar on your abdomen.

You're absolutely right that "how the egg and seed got together" will probably be your son's next question. More about this in my next post.

Changing Preschools

Dear Susie,

For a number of reasons, we need to find a new preschool for our son. How do you suggest we manage this transition? So far, we have visited a few prospective schools. Since I can't say in advance whether I will like the school or not (or whether my son will get in!) I have just been telling him “Today we're going to visit Toby's (or Hillary's, or Kelsey's) school.” Is that the right approach? This whole thing has me so upset and worried!

Dear Parent,

What a good question! Change is hard for a young family. Goodbyes and hellos are poignant, exciting, sad and challenging.

I think a week or two is plenty of advance warning to give a young preschooler when he is going to switch schools. Less than a week doesn't provide enough “percolation time” for the new idea to take hold, and more than two weeks is an eternity in the life of a very young child. If your son is the easygoing type, I'd lean towards two weeks. For the child who tends to worry about things, one week of hand-wringing is plenty! The children's librarian at your local library can introduce you to some topical books to read to him during this transition (in moderation, and if he seems interested.)

See if the “old school” will allow some kind of goodbye event on his last day. Most do – because it will provide the kind of processing all the kids need, both the child who is leaving and those whom he leaves behind. The whole event should be short, sweet and simple – maybe some cupcakes, taking photos, talking a bit at circle time about his new school and what he will especially miss about his old school. The “old” teacher can probably help set this up with you. Just because kids are resilient about change (usually more than we are!) doesn't mean that having the opportunity to process change by means of goodbyes and mementos isn't important.

If you know any families at the new school, try to set up a playdate or two in advance. (Sometimes the new school can help with this kind of matchmaking. They will know exactly which kid could use a new friend, or who might warm to the experience of being the old hand who gets to show a newbie the ropes.) It really helps on Day #1 to see a familiar face! But if possible, let him continue to socialize with a friend or two from the old school. This lets your child know that friends aren't replaceable. A special friend is a special friend, and we accumulate them throughout our lifetime. These relationships can transcend time and distance. If your son talks about his old school in a way that lets you know he's “homesick,” just let him feel entitled to those feelings without offering false cheer or rationalizing the change: “You miss your old friends and Miss Terri and the bunny. Saying goodbye is hard. Sometimes it makes us feel sad. Would you like to look at pictures from your goodby party...or draw a picture to send them?”

I really like your approach to visiting prospective schools: “We are visiting so-and-so's school today.” It's great to project as blasé and casual an attitude as you can possibly muster. (For as long as we can, let's protect our kids from that awful “sweepstakes” aspect of school applications!)  If you are still weighing options or feeling anxious about where he will go to school next, please share these feelings when he isn't around. Kids are very susceptible to parents' worries, and this really shouldn't be their problem.

In closing, while you are thinking “goodbye...worries...sadness” try also to think “opportunity...fresh start...hello!”