Aggression in Preschoolers

Children are not born well-socialized. Developing appropriate social skills is a long, complex process, involving lots of experimentation, missteps and repeated redirection by patient and empathetic adults. Sustained cooperative play is not usually seen until age three or four. Aggressive behavior in preschoolers is 100% developmentally appropriate. And aggression is not always an indication of hostile feelings. You'll notice that children who seem the most aggressive are often more outgoing in other ways – answering questions, volunteering for a task, responding quickly to calls for “cleanup” etc.

Of course aggressive behavior can reflect strong negative emotions such as anger or frustration. But just as often, it is simply a primitive attempt to socialize, a clumsy way of saying “I want to play with you” or “I would really like you to pay attention to me.”

Struggle and competition are part of life. An adult can be most useful by sitting nearby, staying calm and assisting as the children work it out. The adult acts as facilitator, mediating rather than fixing or solving everything. For very young children it helps to “broadcast” the event, suggesting the emotions you think may be at play. “Aldo, Denise grabbed the truck from you. Looks like that made you really mad.”

Emphasize gentle touching, and tell children how you like to be touched. “It feels good when you stroke my cheek gently. It feels like this. Do you like it too?” That way, your child will develop some understanding of what you are saying when you redirect him: “Jonathan doesn’t like it when you pinch him. It really hurts! Can you touch him gently like this?”

Most children need help recognizing social cues. You may need to remind your child that some kids enjoy much rougher play than others. Help your child to “read” others’ faces as the play heats up. “I know you like to wrestle with Andrew, but I’m looking at Rashid’s face and he doesn’t seem to like this kind of playing.” Similarly, you need to observe your child so that you can help him with words or actions that will set his own limits. “Cyrus, would you like to tell Rachel that you don’t like to have your hair touched?”

Children don’t carry grudges, and we shouldn’t either! Saying things like “she's a biter” or “he's so bossy” make children feel locked into pattern of behavior. This makes it difficult for them to experiment with other, perhaps more appropriate, social strategies.

Try to keep feelings/wishes/thoughts/ideas separate from actions. As Magda Gerber said, “If we punished people for bad thoughts, everybody would be in jail.” A big part of socializing children is helping them find safe and appropriate actions to fit their negative feelings. Next week we'll look at specific ways to support your child when (s)he is aggressive and when (s)he is the object of aggression.