The Death of a Pet

Dear Susie,

Our dog died last night. My sons are just five and 2 ½. This is going to be such a hard conversation! I'd appreciate any thoughts you can share.

Dear Parent,

I'm so sorry! We always had a houseful of pets and I loved each and every one of them. This never gets easier, does it?

As with any  "tender topic," I think the best rule of thumb is to say the smallest true thing you can.  Your child's questions will lead the rest of the way.  You can start with, "Something very sad has happened in our family.  You know that Muffy lived a long, long time. [I sure hope this is the case.  If not, modify. I'll talk more about this in my next post.] She had a wonderful, happy, doggy life. She got very old and finally her body stopped working and she died.  I'm going to miss her so much."

Then let the questions come.  Try to answer them simply and honestly.  Please try not to worry that you may cry during this talk. The topic is sad – and your sadness, though a little upsetting, will make sense to your kids. Crying gives them permission to grieve too. Faking a stoic attitude would create a mismatch between your words and your demeanor.  This would be awkward for both you and your kids. To a certain extent, you will all be comforting one another, which is part of family life and family love. Your child's mirror neurons (related to empathy) will be firing like crazy. That's how we learn to care about, and care for, each other.

Your younger child may be a little baffled by everything about this conversation. For him, the biggest challenge will probably be to grasp the permanence of death. He may ask for Muffy a lot in the coming days. It could take weeks for him to understand that Muffy's not coming back. Your five-year-old may already have an understanding of death as permanent. He could be comforted by starting a little “memory book” of pictures and recollections that you can all contribute to, over time.

I'm a big believer in pet funerals. Doing something simple but ceremonial at home honors life and seals a memory. Let the kids help plan and carry out the funeral or memorial. When I was a little girl, we buried them under my favorite tree, right near my swing. I followed suit with my own kids. (Please don't flush Swimmy down the toilet! It's a clean and practical thing to do, but think of the message it sends.)

Questions may come fast and furious, or very gradually. What kinds of questions might your older one ask? We as adults tend to get past the nuts and bolts of burying or cremating a pet and focus on how sad we are. But for a four- or five-year-old, often the emphasis is on “the science of death.” Is Muffy asleep? Can she feel her body? Is she thinking? I would never liken death to sleep (this can be scary) but sometimes kids who see a dead animal wonder if it's sleeping. If, and only if, your child expresses curiosity about this, point out that death is not at all like sleep. When Muffy was alive, she was doing a lot of things while she slept – her lungs were breathing, her heart was beating, her brain was dreaming, her stomach was digesting food. Now none of those things is happening because her body has stopped working. (A solid understanding of this makes the idea of cremation or burial a lot less upsetting.)

Parents have sometimes told me they didn't want to have small pets such as goldfish or hamsters “because they die.” I would argue that this is one very good reason to have them! Experiencing the life cycle on a manageable scale informs and steels your child for the profounder losses that will follow throughout life. Without suffering loss, a child cannot learn that loss is survivable. Maybe I should state that another way: suffering a loss will teach your child that it's survivable.

"Where Do Babies come From?"

Dear Susie,
Our daughter was born three months ago. Now our son, age four, is asking all sorts of questions about where babies come from. I think pretty soon he's going to start wondering how she got in there in the first place! I don't know how to explain this. Is he ready? How much info is too much?

Dear Parent,
Your son is right on target, developmentally. Parents are often surprised to learn that, starting as early as four or five, kids begin to think about "where did I come from?" and "where am I going?"  (Or as Woody Allen would say, "sex and death.")  They begin to think outside of the present moment and to be conscious of having a past ("yesterday we had ice cream") and a future ("my birthday will be in June.")  They hear people talk about "before you were born."  (Before I was born??  Wow!!)  That gets them thinking big thoughts.  And asking big questions.

When your child launches into any of the so-called “Tender Topics” (e.g., sex, death, divorce, money, understanding differences) you are beginning a long, episodic conversation that will deepen and widen as you go.  Even the biggest, most complex building starts brick by brick. I think a good rule of thumb is to give the shortest true answer you can give.  "True" because you want to build your structure on a sound foundation and "short" because that way you can't overload them with information.  If your short answer doesn't provide enough info (or lacks the desired info) kids will come back...a moment later, a week later, a year later...with more questions.  If you can be easy and comfortable with these first conversations, it's as if you are leaving the door ajar for the next installment. Being evasive or changing the subject is like slamming the door. Kids might go elsewhere for information.  As you can imagine, that can be problematic.

There are a lot of reasons why you might find this whole topic really embarrassing and awkward.  Here's an ice-breaker:  tell your child what's going on for you. You might say, "I didn't talk about this with my own parents, so it's kind of strange for me.  But I really want you to ask me questions and I really want to give you good answers."  Children are super-astute about sensing our shyness or reluctance, but they can be surprisingly generous about cutting us some slack if we just let them know we're operating under a constraint.  Being honest will help them understand the discrepancy between your words (“I want us to talk about this”) and your demeanor (“I'd rather be having root canal.”)

For starters, kids are usually OK with "You grew in my uterus (tummy) until you were ready to come out."  After a while (moment, week, year) they usually start to wonder how the baby got in there and/or how it comes out.  Short and true?

     "You started from a tiny sperm (like a seed) in Daddy's body and a tiny egg in Mommy's body."

     "You came out from a hole between my legs. That's my vagina."
I want to stop right there and say "no fair using the C-section cop-out!"   I'm not sure why some parents find it easier to tell their kids that the doctor used a knife to open Mommy's tummy than "You came out of a hole between Mommy's legs"...but they often do!  If your child arrived by C-section, I'd give a 2-part answer:  "Well, most babies come out of a hole between the Mommy's legs, but we were having a little trouble getting you out that way...so the doctor helped by opening my tummy here and lifting you out."  That way, your child has the standard scientific info plus his own special story that explains the scar on your abdomen.

You're absolutely right that "how the egg and seed got together" will probably be your son's next question. More about this in my next post.