The Death of a Pet - Further Thoughts and Book Ideas

In my last post, I talked about the death of a pet. These are some follow-up points you might find worth thinking about. Also included are books on this topic that I think are useful and comforting.

• Be sure that you share the sad news with all the important people in your child's life – teachers, babysitters, grandparents. You can tell them what your conversations have covered so far. Constructing an understanding of death is the work of a lifetime, and you have laid a few foundational bricks. Those close to your family may, if invited by your child, lay a few more. At the very least, they will want to commiserate.
• Avoid euphemisms. People use the phrase “passed away” a lot these days, but it has no meaning to a child. Not only is it unclear, but it delivers a vague hope of return. Get comfortable with words like death, dead, died, dying. They won't bite! And definitely avoid using “sleep” as a metaphor for death. This can be scary.
• If the pet who died was young, you won't be able to use the “old age” scenario described in my previous blog. Explain that it's very unusual for young animals to get this sick, and that the illness was quite serious – not at at all like a cold or tummy virus. Tell your child that the doctors tried really hard to make Muffy well again, but she was just too sick. 
• A word about euthanasia: it's really hard for young kids to understand the need to “put down” an old or suffering pet. Naturally optimistic, they see this as giving up. It's nearly impossible for them to understand it as an act of compassion. In this case, I'd just say the doctors tried everything but couldn't keep the pet alive. (This is not untrue. The veterinarian could not, in good conscience, keep Muffy alive.) By the time kids enter adolescence, they might have the maturity to accompany you when Muffy is euthanized. For the older child (I'd say a very mature ten-year-old, at the youngest) I'd check with the vet and give my child a choice about participating. Saying goodbye and seeing the animal die peacefully might be really consoling.
• Unfortunately, a lot of modern, urban kids only experience the sad part of the life cycle. So many of our pets are “fixed” (and IMHO, that's a good thing) that most kids don't get to see animals being born. Look for ways to expose them to this joyous and awe-inspiring part of the life cycle through media, or a visit to a farm, zoo or county fair.
• Kids can be immensely curious about what happens after death. If you are asked, I think it's best to tell your child what you believe. If you have faith in an afterlife, and you hope to be reunited with your pet, say so. If you're a nonbeliever, it may be tempting to paint a picture you yourself don't actually buy. That just kicks the discussion down the road. Also, it erodes trust.  You can say that the pet will be forever in our hearts and minds.  But what if each parent has a different idea of what happens after death? Why not? Each parent can say what (s)he believes while respectfully honoring the other parent's view. In the end, we all choose what and how we believe. Our kids will too.

Here are some really wonderful books about the death of an animal:

Brown, Margaret Wise, The Dead Bird is a classic that simply and eloquently depicts a group of children who bury a dead bird they have found.

Kantrowitz, Mildred, When Violet Died depicts the “appropriate fun, yet honorable funeral for a pet bird [and] uses the cycle of life and the bright future of a pregnant cat.” (Parent review on Amazon)

Viorst, Judith, The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is a realistic, tender tale about a pet cat’s funeral. The neighbor kids in this book disagree about whether Barney is in heaven.

When your child starts asking questions about people dying, or death in general, have a look at:

Grollman, Earl A., Talking About Death, A Dialogue Between Parent and Child is something of a “bible” on this topic. It is really two books in one, a text for children and a companion book for the parent which includes resources, an extensive bibliography and more.

Mellonie, Bryan and Ingpen, Robert, Lifetimes, The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children provides a poetic yet straightforward explanation of the life cycle.