Mixed Messages

Today's guest blogger is my daughter, Sarah Meadow Walsh -

     

               I was always pretty sure I would have kids someday.  I babysat, nannied, worked as a camp counselor, and planned for a career in which I could work primarily with young children, completing Master’s degrees in education, children’s literature, and library science.  But when my husband and I found out I was pregnant, and the abstract idea became a reality, suddenly we were both thrown into this new and very unsettling position of not knowing what the heck we had gotten ourselves into!  When it’s your body changing, and an addition to your family arriving in a matter of months, all bets are off.  It can be overwhelming figuring out how to prepare for it.  Unfortunately, there’s a very aggressive and very calculated market out there targeting wide-eyed, unsuspecting new parents, working to convince them of all the things they “need” to keep Baby happy, healthy, safe, comfortable, and intellectually stimulated. 

  It can feel reassuring that someone has done what seems to be the necessary legwork.  Many online retailers go so far as to provide “handy” lists for parents creating a registry so they can just check off items as they go.  But remember – they’re trying to move inventory!  As with any consumer situation, it’s important to take a step back and separate the wheat from the chaff.    For example, almost all of these retailers suggest that a diaper pail is an absolute necessity.  Well, we got a small foot-operated trash can, which we empty frequently.  Problem solved (was there a problem to begin with?)  Here’s another one: wipe warmers. You’d think from how they’re marketed that they are parenting gold.  We thought, hey, our daughter flinches when a cold wipe touches her bum, and who wouldn’t? But then I read online that they only warm the wipes inside the container; once you pull one out to, y’know, use it, it might as well have been sitting in a bucket of ice.  Read reviews, ask friends who are parents, and figure out the must-haves, the kind-of-usefuls, and the don’t-needs.

Some of this you won’t discover until your baby arrives. And a device, brand or lovey that one family can’t live without, you could take or leave.  There are gigabytes of data devoted to this very topic on baby forums and parenting blogs, so I won’t do the rundown here.  But I’ve noticed a few trends lately that have me either scratching my head or downright concerned, and I want to discuss those here.

When our daughter was only about 2.5 months old, my mother-in-law saw a picture of her chewing on her hand with a look of intense concentration, and said, “She’s teething.”  We haven’t yet seen any teeth push through, but the preliminaries have been rough on her at times.  We have a few teethers that we got from our registry as well as some that people found for us, but I decided to do some shopping online to see what else there was.  I came across a company that makes what’s called “Droolery,” a line of trendy-looking necklaces and bracelets in a rainbow of colors that are actually made of silicone and safe for Baby to bite and chew on, so Mom can accessorize with the best of them and still help her little one relieve the pain and tenderness of teething.  Sounds like a great idea, right?  But it got me thinking…this is just one in a very long list of toys and baby items that replicate actual products that adults use or wear.  A teething necklace is handy, but what if Mom puts on a treasured heirloom?  At best, the child puts bite marks in it (this happened to a necklace that was my great-grandmother’s) and at worst, he or she could choke on a bead that comes off.  And then, as babies become toddlers, parents are encouraged to buy plastic “Shaving Kits” and “Fix-it Sets” for boys, and “Beauty Salons” for girls.  Aside  from the overwhelming gender bias of these toys, I find it problematic that these products, while cute or stylish or endearing, might make it hard for children to understand the difference between their toy and a real, potentially dangerous tool.  I wouldn’t be surprised if a child gets confused about why it’s perfectly okay for him to use a plastic razor, but when he grabs Daddy’s,  he gets yelled at and the razor is taken away.  Plenty of parents let their babies and toddlers play with the real pots and pans, and what’s the harm in that?  Well, if their “toys” are on the hot stove, suddenly they’re dangerous.  Same idea.  Little kids have enough to figure out without trying to differentiate between something they can play with and something that looks just like it, but is off-limits. 

For that matter, instead of surrounding kids with toys (and the sorts of things Magda Gerber, the genius founder of RIE, would call “contrrrrraptions”) give them experiences and watch them wonder.  Go for a walk, understanding that it will take three hours to get to the next street over while they inspect every bug, crack in the sidewalk, and stray leaf.  Visit the park and sit back, letting them dig in the sand with their hands instead of a shovel, so they can feel it sift through their fingers.  When they want to pretend to cook, resist the impulse to outfit them with all those costumey accoutrements and take a cue from my brother when he was about 3 years old.  My mom saw him playing in the kitchen and she said, “I should get you a chef’s hat.”  He responded, with an implied eye-roll, “Mom, I’m wearing a chef’s hat!”  Boy, he sure showed her.

Reasonableness

Many years ago, my child and I were enrolled in Pacific Oaks' infant-toddler program. The parent discussion portion of the program was not “instructional” in the programmatic sense. There was no set curriculum, but the conversations (led by a child development expert) were always lively and informative. We were, in every sense of the term, a support group.

A pearl of wisdom shared by one of the moms was something she learned from her pediatrician. Her child's doctor had told her that a good guide about how to respond to a baby or child was “reasonableness.”

Reasonableness? What did this mean? For one thing, it's a moving target. It's reasonable for a newborn to wake you, needing care and attention, multiple times during the night. But a four-year-old? Probably not, if that four-year-old is typically developing and in good health. So our adult idea of reasonableness has to mature and shift along with the growing child. Sometimes we get stuck in old behaviors, catering or accommodating in a way our child no longer requires. If don't up our game, we may be stifling when we mean to nurture.

Babies and very young children don't know what's reasonable. They are completely unfettered by thoughts of “is this a good idea?” Kids don't know about time, money, safety, nutrition or a lot of other concepts that govern our ideas about what's reasonable. It isn't until they are about four or five that they have mastered “the rules” and have developed enough self-control to, say, stop themselves from sneaking that cookie out of the jar before dinner.

The thing is, you can't expect reasonableness from a child – but you can (and should) model it. Often, I hear parents complain of being overpowered by a child's will, moaning “He insisted...”

Really? Your very young child derailed a playdate, or made you late to an important appointment, because he insisted? Sometimes, even when you have taken all the “right” measures, your child is going to be unhappy about events because she simply doesn't understand how important it is to stay safe or to be on time or that there isn't enough money for something. Let's say you have to take your three-year-old to a toy store to buy a birthday gift for another child. You prepare her by describing the purpose of the trip to the store and by reminding her that this isn't a time to buy things for her. Almost inevitably she will see something she believes she can't live without. You try to keep her “on mission” by reminding her about the stated purpose of the visit. She begins to cry.

Oh well. Tears are to be expected in the face of disappointment, but it's not reasonable to buy your child the toy, or even commence negotiating, just because she is upset. It's not either/or. She can be upset and you can stick to your plan. You may have to pay for the gift and carry her out of the store in a very agitated state. After she has settled down, you can retell the story, including how sad and disappointed she felt not to get the toy she wanted. Your resolve is paired with, not compromised by, your compassion.

Bear in mind that whenever you agree to an unreasonable demand, you are tacitly agreeing that the demand is reasonable. This is like telling your child up is down or red is blue. By being compassionate but firm, you help him learn what is reasonable.

A good first step is to agree with your co-parent what is reasonable. That could be harder than it sounds. Even if you need to compromise (creating a hybridized version of your two points of view) just having the two of you on the same page provides clarity to your child. Then be sure to get everyone (carers, babysitters, grandparents, anyone who spends time with your child) on that page.

What's Your Drishti?

In yoga, a drishti is something you focus on to help you keep your balance. It could be nothing more than a scratch on the floor a few feet ahead of you. Keeping your gaze calmly focused on that tiny mark might keep you from wobbling in a posture like Tree Pose or Dancer, when you are supporting yourself on only one leg. (To see what I mean, try balancing on one leg with your eyes closed, and then try it using a drishti. Easier, right?)

Having something that works like a drishti is useful when you need to respond to your child in a consistent, unflappable way in order to change a behavior...and you are expecting push-back. Let's say your toddler has been throwing food from his high chair, usually towards the end of the meal. You talk this over with your spouse/babysitter/mom/caregiver, and together you decide that when this happens, you will all say “Looks like you're done eating” or something like that. And then you will remove your child from the high chair and put the food away. Easier said than done, right?

Of course it is. You've made a wise decision, but when you actually enact that scene, and your toddler howls with indignation, you will need to keep your balance in order to stay the course and remain unruffled. How will you stick to this plan when the going gets tough? How will you reassure yourself in the face of doubt? All those self-recriminating questions that rise up!

Am I being too hard-hearted?

What if he's still hungry?

Will he feel I don't love him?

I suggest a “verbal drishti” – something you can say to yourself. It can be a reassurance, an aspiration, an acknowledgment of process, a forecast of success. Here are examples of each of these:

A hungry child doesn't throw food. He eats the food. My child is saying, “I'm done.”

I'm teaching him good table manners, starting with this. Discipline is love.

I'm going to help him develop an appropriate way of saying “I'm done.”

He will learn that food is just for eating.

One can make up a drishti for any occasion. You put your infant down to sleep drowsy but still awake. There's some fussing while she soothes herself to sleep. It's so hard not to immediately pick her up!

She's learning to fall asleep independently. Good sleep habits are the gift of a lifetime.

Your four-year-old, who actually knows how to dress himself, dawdles in the morning and this has been making him late to daycare, which in turn makes you late to work. You tell him tomorrow he has between 7:30 to 8:00 to get dressed, and that you are both leaving at 8 sharp no matter what. Tomorrow comes and he spends most of that half hour fooling around in his room. You put him in the car with only one shoe on and still wearing his jammie tops. The remaining school clothes go in his backpack. He doesn't like this one bit and says you're a mean daddy. This hurts.

I'm teaching him time management – and that 8:00 means 8:00.

Several times this week, your second grader has left her homework at home. She called from the school office and you brought it to her. (Who are we kidding? The teacher knows she forgot it!) You have a chat with your daughter about this and tell her if she forgets her homework again, she will have to take the consequences. Two days later, you get “the call.” Despite her tears, you hold firm. You feel somewhat guilty when you hang up.

It's important for her to take personal responsibility for her obligations and her belongings.

I hope a “verbal drishti” will help stabilize your position when you're feeling wobbly!

Playing Alone

Dear Susie,

My son, age three, never seems to want to play alone. When I have to get something done, like making a few calls or answering emails, he falls apart, nagging me or whining. Then I feel terrible. What can be done about this?

Dear Parent,
First, please don't feel guilty about wanting him to play by himself sometimes.  It's really important to learn how to do it.  You and his dad often play with him, and you provide him with plenty of opportunities to socialize with his peers.  But learning to spend alone-time productively is a life skill, and your desire to help him develop this skill is part of good parenting too.  Playing alone is something that doesn't come easily to kids who are very gregarious by nature.  In contrast, some kids play alone "too well" (!) and the challenge for their parents (and teachers) is to help those children tolerate all the communicating, negotiating and compromising needed to play collaboratively.

So how to develop this life skill?  I'm reminded of meditation.  Active and monkey-brained by nature, I can't imagine meditating for an hour or even a half hour.  But my yoga teacher began in five-minute chunks.  Hey, even I can do that. Then ten...maybe fifteen.  Once the benefits of meditating kicked in, I'd entered into a positive feedback loop;  now I look forward to the activity that used to be so unappealing and intimidating because I've learned that it centers me and brings peace.  After a time, your son may find that playing alone is pleasantly calming.

So try starting with a small chunk of time:  "I have to answer a few emails, so I need to to entertain yourself for five minutes.  After that I'll play with you for a while.  What would you like to do while I'm at the computer?"  Rather than putting out toys for him (which can feel a bit like an "assignment") you can help him put out the toys he requests.  That helps him set an intention.  A lot of  times we try to jump-start a child's solo play by playing with them for a bit and then tiptoeing away. This probably feels to the child like bait and switch (which, to be honest, it is!)  Playing together and playing alone are apples and oranges; having him choose an "alone activity" from the get-go doesn't have disappointment built into it.   (I'm assuming most of his toys are within his reach, which promotes playing solo.)

If he gives you five minutes to yourself without nagging and whining, say so:  "You're learning to play by yourself!  People sometimes learn so much and really enjoy themselves playing alone."  Also, remember that taking time for yourself to play Scrabble online or drop a line to your best friend or even just clear your inbox is "playing  alone," and that by doing these things you are modeling what you want to teach:  "I feel so relaxed and happy after I get all my morning emails done."  Over time, you can  gradually increase the length of time that you can expect solo play.

The last thing of course is that when you do play with him, even if it's just for ten minutes, try to single-task and stay focused. You might be playing collaboratively with him or you might just observe him and offer the occasional  comment.  (Kids just love to bask in your undivided attention.) But in either case, he won't feel like you're really present if you are also folding laundry or constantly checking your cell.  In fact, put away the phone for ten minutes.  Full-on time with you replenishes him.  Feeling satisfied (think: a nice, nourishing meal compared to a thin broth of your half-attention) is one of the things that will help him play alone later.

Changing Caregivers

Dear Susie,

We are losing our part-time nanny at the end of the month. I am considering moving Randy (barely 3 years old) to full time at his preschool. He does love school, but let me tell you, life is so much easier – he is nicer to us, more compliant, and he sleeps better – on days when he is at home.

I am feeling SO SAD to be losing our nanny – Randy is very attached to her, talks about her when she's not here, and looks forward to his days with her. I need advice on how to break the news to him, and how to explain that she is no longer coming to sit (although we will try to book her for some weekend date nights.)

Dear Parent,

The problem you are confronting is a common one.  It's daunting, and sometimes sad, to contemplate a big change.  First let me say something about his school schedule.  Contrary to what most parents imagine, a lot of kids do better going to nursery school five times per week than part-time.  (This is of course assuming it's a good school, where children are invited to do interesting things and the adults are loving and respectful.)  I think this has to do with consistency.  Most preschools offer part-time programs on Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday/Friday. The problem with this type of scheduling is that, for the child, every school day seems like a Monday  (and you know how we all feel about Mondays!) It can present too many "adjustment days" in the child's week.  It may make kids feel  a little scattered, the way having two jobs affects an adult.  You might be pleasantly surprised to see how well Randy adjusts to M-F, naps and all.

I think we should handle departures of friends (and to him, the nanny is essentially a friend) with honesty and compassion.  It's not good for anyone to disappear out of a child's life without notice.  Tell him the truth, that she has found another job and will no longer be able to take care of him during the days.  Say that you will try to arrange it so she can babysit for him occasionally at night, and then make good on that promise if you possibly can.  Make sure the two of them have a chance to say goodbye.  If nanny cries, or you and/or Rowan cry, it's OK.  People cry when they are sad.  Be sure you have photos of him with nanny that you can put in a little book to look at together.  He can dictate the words and you can write them down next to each picture.  (This book might be something that evolves slowly, over time.)

People sometimes assume that just because kids are resilient (which they are) the people in their lives are interchangeable.  I disagree.  When a playmate moves away, or a nanny finds a new job, we're sad and we can have an authentic goodbye.  And we can stay in touch. (Kids love to get snail-mail, and Skype works great too)   He can send her pictures and you can update her with the latest photos of him. By keeping in touch, we teach our kids that every relationship matters, and that even as we forge new ones, we cherish the old.  Things change because that's life – but we don't have to close any doors.

Applying to Independent Schools for Kindergarten

This is a compilation of hints, bits of advice and “dos and don'ts” that I've accumulated over the years.  These ideas are based on true-life adventures and misadventures. (I used to be a preschool director. Applicant parents, preschool teachers and admissions personnel talk to me about this stuff a lot!)  Please read with an open mind and in the spirit it is intended – to provide gentle guidance through what can be a nerve-wracking process.

1)  Be the kind of family your preschool can rave about.  The teacher will probably be able to go on and on about your child's great qualities.  However, the questions about parents are pretty cut and dried: they center on openness, reliability and participation.  The folks at your child's preschool will want to be frank, in order to protect their credibility and reputation.  Ask yourself if you’re doing all you can to be a dependable and useful member of your preschool community.

2)  Leave your child out of the process.  The only time you should involve your child is if the school has a “play date” which serves as an opportunity to observe your child in a group setting.  You can just tell your child, “We’re going to look at some schools and see what we think.  I don’t know if they’ll have room or not, or whether this school will be a good match for our family.” Period.  Please don’t coach or advise your child before the play date. Afterward, you will be interested in your child’s impression, but don’t pump him or her for feedback.  Final decisions should be the job of the adult(s).  Along the way, it’s only human to want to discuss and compare the various schools with family and friends, but avoid doing this in front of your child.  Some additional pointers about “play dates” follow. (If your child will not be invited to school visits, skip items 3-8.)

3)  Prepare your child.  You can call ahead to the school and get information about what to expect so that you can tell your child how the visit will go, whether there is going to be a separation from you, and any other relevant information.  Be sure your child is well-rested and well-fed.  A snack in the car will ensure that hunger pangs don’t take the edge off the experience, and a last-minute trip to the bathroom might add to your child’s comfort.

4)  If your child is ill on the scheduled day, call the school and find out how this is handled.  Perhaps they can re-schedule you.  Besides, you will be demonstrating courtesy and consideration.

5)  Be prompt.  It makes you look good and, more importantly, it will help put your child at ease.

6)  Remember, you are a guest.  They set the rules and you are visiting their “home” on their terms.  Don’t insist on visiting areas that are off limits or partaking of anything that is not designated for you.

7)  When visiting, be firm with your child.  Letting your child wheedle or get away with something just to avoid a scene will make a very negative impression on any educators I know!

8)  Leave at the scheduled time. If possible, give your child a five-minute warning and then follow through.  You can show these people you appreciate that their time is worth something (plus they’ll get to see that you set limits and that you follow through.)

9)  Remember that admissions personnel are responsible for putting together a diverse group of children, and that diversity takes many forms – gender balance, ethnic and socioeconomic variety, non-traditional family structures, an array of different personalities and temperaments.  Parents of shy children often worry that they won’t dazzle the admissions folks.  But imagine for a moment how unbalanced a classroom would be if all the children were extroverted, take-charge types. Yikes!

10)  Apply to more than one program.  It’s very competitive out there, so luck plays a bigger and bigger role every year.  You should research thoroughly, cast a wide net, and keep an open mind.  If one school in particular is you first choice, tell them so on your application or in your cover letter.  (Be ethical about this – there can only be one #1.)  Throughout, let your mantra be “I may not get my first choice…I may not get my first choice.”  Disappointment is survivable.

11)  If you are lucky enough to get into more than one school, please make a final choice quickly.  This will help others (some of whom may even be your friends!) get out of “Wait-list Limbo.”

12)  If you are dissatisfied about the way a school handled admissions, deal with it after the process is completed.  If you wind up at that school, get involved in admissions and work at improving things from the inside.  If you don’t end up attending that school, speak to your preschool director and let him/her decide whether to take this up with admissions.

13)  Overall, try to be eager (not pushy) and inquisitive (not critical).  Your demeanor tells them volumes about the likeliness of a healthy long-term relationship with your family – which is of course what they are looking for.

14)  And don't give up! The ratio of applicants to available spaces shifts in your favor from year to year. Next year, they may only have a spot or two open for first grade – but they will have far fewer applicants.

Try to have fun -- and good luck!

Navigating "The Red Zone"

My boot camp instructor, Steven Brown, calls this time of year “The Red Zone.” This is his way of warning us that the stresses of the holidays, combined with all the tempting sugars and carbs and extra alcohol that are put before us, can add up to weight gain. So, what are the dangers of The Red Zone for kids?

The upcoming cascade of holidays – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah/Christmas and sometimes even Valentine's Day – are super-fun for kids, but they present challenges. Extra travel is sometimes involved. Families are reconstituted as relatives visit us or host us. Sleep gets disrupted. There's a lot more sugar within grasp. Any and all of these things make some adults irritable, and kids are no different. The more we can practice moderation, keep to some kind of schedule, and maintain our standards for behavior (including parental follow-through!) the better off our kids will be.

I've noticed that adults and children process the “Before/During/After” of holidays very differently. For us, there's the big buildup, which can be stressful from the standpoint of planning, shopping, cooking – and budgeting. This is followed by the enjoyment of the holiday itself, and then a sheer drop-off as we bustle to return to “normal.” (Even the most ardent Noel-ophile I know is only too happy to box up the decorations, drop the kids back at school, and shuttle the in-laws to the airport right after Christmas!) For kids it's quite different. Their anticipation is unfettered and worry-free. Wild with anticipation, their only real challenge is waiting for the holiday to actually arrive. They relish the festivities and then what? There is a smooth, gradual slope back to normalcy as they savor the holiday's pleasures, chattering excitedly, reliving, and re-reliving the whole thing. (Any parent who has been treated to “The Dreidl Song” or “Jingle Bells” sometime around late January will know what I'm talking about.)

In the coming months, I hope you'll find useful strategies for mitigating the extra stimulation holidays present. I also hope you'll appreciate that your child's way of processing the Anticipation/Enjoyment/Afterglow may differ from yours.

In closing, I want to say a few last-minute words about Halloween. Part of the fun of the holiday is scaring and being scared. And it's only fun if the child can control the stimuli somewhat. Kids like to “play with their edge,” discovering where their fears lie, what they can tolerate, and how much is too much. Think of a child playing by the seashore. She ventures out as the waves recede, and then discovers whether she dares let them lap up on her ankles – or legs! – when they crash back up on the sand. If it's too scary, she backs up. Then she ventures forth again. Kids can do this for hours. They are playing with their edge, and it's both fascinating and fun because they have control. Insisting that a child confront a fear usually backfires horribly. Let them lead and you follow. This may mean involving a second adult who can take one child home, leaving any others to continue enjoying the festivities.

And don't be surprised if your child, who as a baby/toddler enjoyed last Halloween, has a very different “take” this year. Two-year-olds and some three-year-olds are famous for being scared stiff by disguises, especially masks. Sometimes at this age a very little bit can be too much.

Best of luck navigating The Red Zone!