Reasonableness

Many years ago, my child and I were enrolled in Pacific Oaks' infant-toddler program. The parent discussion portion of the program was not “instructional” in the programmatic sense. There was no set curriculum, but the conversations (led by a child development expert) were always lively and informative. We were, in every sense of the term, a support group.

A pearl of wisdom shared by one of the moms was something she learned from her pediatrician. Her child's doctor had told her that a good guide about how to respond to a baby or child was “reasonableness.”

Reasonableness? What did this mean? For one thing, it's a moving target. It's reasonable for a newborn to wake you, needing care and attention, multiple times during the night. But a four-year-old? Probably not, if that four-year-old is typically developing and in good health. So our adult idea of reasonableness has to mature and shift along with the growing child. Sometimes we get stuck in old behaviors, catering or accommodating in a way our child no longer requires. If don't up our game, we may be stifling when we mean to nurture.

Babies and very young children don't know what's reasonable. They are completely unfettered by thoughts of “is this a good idea?” Kids don't know about time, money, safety, nutrition or a lot of other concepts that govern our ideas about what's reasonable. It isn't until they are about four or five that they have mastered “the rules” and have developed enough self-control to, say, stop themselves from sneaking that cookie out of the jar before dinner.

The thing is, you can't expect reasonableness from a child – but you can (and should) model it. Often, I hear parents complain of being overpowered by a child's will, moaning “He insisted...”

Really? Your very young child derailed a playdate, or made you late to an important appointment, because he insisted? Sometimes, even when you have taken all the “right” measures, your child is going to be unhappy about events because she simply doesn't understand how important it is to stay safe or to be on time or that there isn't enough money for something. Let's say you have to take your three-year-old to a toy store to buy a birthday gift for another child. You prepare her by describing the purpose of the trip to the store and by reminding her that this isn't a time to buy things for her. Almost inevitably she will see something she believes she can't live without. You try to keep her “on mission” by reminding her about the stated purpose of the visit. She begins to cry.

Oh well. Tears are to be expected in the face of disappointment, but it's not reasonable to buy your child the toy, or even commence negotiating, just because she is upset. It's not either/or. She can be upset and you can stick to your plan. You may have to pay for the gift and carry her out of the store in a very agitated state. After she has settled down, you can retell the story, including how sad and disappointed she felt not to get the toy she wanted. Your resolve is paired with, not compromised by, your compassion.

Bear in mind that whenever you agree to an unreasonable demand, you are tacitly agreeing that the demand is reasonable. This is like telling your child up is down or red is blue. By being compassionate but firm, you help him learn what is reasonable.

A good first step is to agree with your co-parent what is reasonable. That could be harder than it sounds. Even if you need to compromise (creating a hybridized version of your two points of view) just having the two of you on the same page provides clarity to your child. Then be sure to get everyone (carers, babysitters, grandparents, anyone who spends time with your child) on that page.