Toddler Resisting a Diaper Change

Dear Susie, 

I read your post about Why Toddlers Say “No” All the Time [July 5, 2013] and shared it with my wife.  Very informative and helpful.

Parenthood has been one of the most transformative experiences in our lives.  We are marveling at all the changes that we're experiencing ourselves and the change of perspective as we see the world through our toddler's eyes.  

Adam has recently (a few months now) stopped letting us change him on the changing table.  He doesn't like us to change his clothes and its a struggle every time.  It makes it particularly challenging when he has a full, dirty diaper.  Any suggestions as to what this may be related to and how we can be better parents?

Dear Parent,

Thanks for the kind words. First of all, I love the name Adam!  Second, I love your attitude about parenthood as an adventure and a renewed sense of experiencing the world.  Lovely. 

Third, this is a common toddler behavior.  Toddlers hate being interrupted and "messed" with, even when the result is a clean (and, one would think, more comfortable) diaper.  Being changed is a challenge to their autonomy, and autonomy is the big, prevailing theme of toddlerhood.

One thing that helps with any transition is a five-minute warning:  "Wow, I think that diaper needs to be changed.  We're going to do that in five minutes."  Then follow through.  Of course he doesn't know what five minutes is, but after a while he will get the picture.  It can be four or six minutes...of course.

This may or may not be the key.  If five minutes' verbal warning doesn't do the trick, try adding a bell or alarm.  For example, you could set your phone to ring in five.  Show him that you're doing this.  Ask him to tell you when it rings and (if he's already talking a bit) what you're supposed to do when it does. He will probably enjoy being in charge of telling you when it rings, and that it's time to change the diaper.  This way, it's not you against him (a contest) but him working with the timer (cooperation.) Thank him for reminding you about the diaper change.

You can add a little forecast of something fun after the change:  "After we change your diaper, we're going to have chicken noodle soup for lunch!"  Don't make this a bribe (if you do this, I will do that...) Just tell him what's planned for after, so he has something to look forward to, and to underscore a sense of routine.

If he has a special song he likes, maybe you can make up a silly version of it that includes the steps in diapering.  For example, to the tune of “This is the Way”:

     Now we take your overalls off, overalls off, overalls off,

     Now we take your overalls off, to get Adam clean!

     Now we need to use the wipes, use the wipes, use the wipes

     Now we need to use the wipes, to get Adam clean!

As you can see, this song doesn't have to be Great Art!  Adding few more verses (take off the diaper, put on the diaper, etc.) would see him through the whole process.  I would only sing this song when he's getting changed, to make it special.  Toddlers love rituals almost as much as they love autonomy!

Hope this helps, Susie

"My Dolly Died"

Dear Susie,

Niva, four, told me her baby doll died the other day and I totally blanked and had no idea how to play back or reply so I told her maybe she's just in deep sleep and needs medicine. I knew it was wrong as it was coming out but was caught off guard! Our good friends' dog died about a week ago, and I think this might be related to the loss. 

Dear Parent,

Well, to begin with, Niva is right on target, developmentally.  Fours and fives usually become very interested in death and dying.  Have you noticed how toddlers seem to be so "in the moment?"  They really are!  No past, no future, just right now...how lovely, right? But once kids get to be Niva's age, they start thinking about things like the party last week and when their birthday will come. Time becomes more dimensional.  This naturally leads them to ask immense questions like "where did I come from?" and "where am I going?"

Your email touches on two really great points.  One is how to answer a hard question and the other is how to mend things when you don't like the answer you gave.

For some detailed ideas about talking to children about the death of a pet, please scroll back to my blog posts of February 20 and 28, 2014.

.

The main thing is to let the child lead the conversation and give them small, true answers.  In a way, you and Niva were very lucky – it's so much easier to have this opening conversation when it's about someone else's pet.  That's pretty far removed from your family's life.  Niva will probably be most interested in "the facts of death," and it's much easier for you to share these things when you are not grieving yourself.

Her play with the baby doll is a wonderful example of how kids process things that puzzle or worry them – through play.  And to be honest, I think most parents would have reacted much as you did.  As prepared as we think we are, pronouncements liked hers often stun us and knock us off balance.  Here are some ways one might respond (and remember, I'm not in the trenches, here.  I'm sitting at my desk writing, there is no four-year-old at hand, and I've had time to process your question):

"Oh dear!  What does that mean, your baby died?"  A clarifying question like this buys you a little time to reflect. And her answer might help you understand what she knows and what she doesn't.  Then you can fill in some of the gaps.  Easy does it – small bits!

"I wonder if you're thinking about Tisha's dog.  What happened to him?"  This takes her back to her conversations with Tisha about the dog.  Again, there might be some gaps.

"It's sad when somebody's pet dies.  Would you like to make a picture of Boomer and tell Tisha how sorry we are that he died?"  This might prompt a little empathy for what her friend is going through. And it's a wonderful opportunity to begin teaching Niva how we take care of our friends when they're sad. 

Now let's turn to your worry that you didn't respond as you would have liked.  (By the way, I love what you said about "play back" and "reply."  If only!)  One great thing about our kids is that they live with us and we have nearly constant access to them.  That means we are afforded just about infinite opportunities for a do-over.  A do-over might look like this:

"Y'know, you said something so interesting yesterday and it really got me thinking..."

or

"Niva, you asked me a question yesterday and I was really busy and didn't have time to give you a good answer..."

or

"Sweetie, yesterday you asked me _______________ and I said ______________ and I don't really like that answer.  Would you like to hear a better one?"

See what I mean?  You can return with a more thoughtful, fleshed-out response, as well as perhaps a picture book or two on the subject.  The conversation with your child about death and dying will be a long one that will last years.  Your openness and availability on this (or any) tender topic will keep the door of communication standing ajar.

Hope this helps!  Best, Susie

Ten Good Reasons to Take Your Child to the Library

1) The library is a great place to “shop” for books before you make a permanent investment. Of the five or ten books you take home, you child will have a few favorites. These would be great ones to own! Buy them or put them on your wish list for birthdays and other gifting occasions.

2) Most libraries schedule story times, even for infants and toddlers. These are great opportunities to practice “school skills” like sitting in a circle and sharing an adult (whoever is reading to the kids) with a number of other children.

3) You can often find music experiences at the library, either as part of story time or as a separate offering. Singing music in a group is a unique interactive experience, very different from listening to music on a device. Singing, in addition to being pleasurable for kids, introduces them to rhyme and rhythm, both of which help them learn to read later.

4) You will get to know the children's librarian, who is a great ally. He or she will help you satisfy your child's curiosity while expanding interests.

5) Some libraries have volunteer “grandparents” on hand during scheduled times. This provides cross-generational contact, especially valuable for kids whose own grandparents aren't nearby.

6) The library is a great place to donate books your child has outgrown. Libraries hold book sales where you can get great deals on used books. Proceeds from the sale augment the library's budget for acquiring wonderful new books.

7) Kids meet other kids in their age group at the library.

8) Parents meet other like-minded parents at the library.

9) Library visits often get extended to park visits or a stop for lunch. These impromptu playdates enrich kids' social life and strengthen ties with other families.

10) Libraries are open even when the weather is bad and you can't go to the beach, enjoy the park or take a walk.

My daughter Sarah Walsh, who is a children's librarian, helped me with this list. Thank you Sarah! As a veteran of many storytimes (both as a provider and as the parent of a toddler) she asked me to add one final note: If you are participating in a structured library program with your child, be sure to give the librarian your full attention. Sure, you already know that Max gets back from where the wild things are and ends up in his very own room, but that's not the point. The point is that you model curious, attentive, engaged behavior. Your child's future teachers will thank you!

"Preventing" Tantrums?

At a recent parent-toddler class, we discussed “preventing" tantrums.  This is at once a very good idea and a terrible one. Here's what I mean.

If preventing tantrums means noticing what the conditions looked like before the tantrum and trying to avoid re-creating those conditions, this is a great idea. Perhaps you were trying to finish up a project and delayed feeding your toddler, which took him from “a little hungry” to “extremely hungry and very grouchy.” Or you tried to fit too many errands into an afternoon when his nap had been skimpier than usual. What you've learned is that if your young child is experiencing unmet needs (such as hunger or tiredness) any task or request or transition that would normally go over okay can bring on a tantrum. Duly noted!

However, preventing tantrums can easily turn into tiptoeing around your toddler. Perhaps what triggers a tantrum is a perfectly reasonable request, such as “Let's put these toys in the basket,” or your refusal to cater to food fussiness (“What I made for lunch today is tuna sandwiches – maybe we can have mac and cheese tomorrow.”) You have a choice between two very unpleasant alternatives: endure a few tantrums or give up the expectation that your child will learn to help with cleanup; endure a few tantrums or turn yourself into a short-order cook. My advice is to endure a few tantrums and stay the course. And I say “a few tantrums” because once your child learns that her outbursts will be met with empathy for her distress paired with a steadfast refusal to cater to her whims, the tantrums should diminish. The outbursts were a lot of bother and they didn't accomplish anything! There's no incentive for her to continue repeating the behavior. This is how kids gradually learn to maintain composure in the face of disappointment and frustration.

But it is quite tempting to tiptoe around. In fact, it's such a slippery slope that sometimes we're not even consciously aware that we're going out of our way to placate the child. Or perhaps we've gotten into the habit of backing down when the child doesn't like a position we took – turning our “no” into an “oh, all right, if you insist.” It may be that a child's tantrum is very, very upsetting to you – more than just loud, inconvenient, annoying and occasionally embarrassing. Spend a little time thinking about why this is, perhaps even talking about it with your partner or a trusted friend. You may need to ask yourself. “What's the worst thing that can happen?” You may need to train yourself to calmly observe the stages of a tantrum as you would a force of nature: imagine watching a fire ignite, flare and finally burn itself out. You may need to sit with the discomfort of naming and warmly accepting your child's feelings without taking responsibility for fixing anything. (This, by the way, is the gift of a lifetime. It's your toddler's key to self-awareness and self-regulation. And though it's quite simple, I'm not saying it's easy!)

So of course keep your eye out for conditions that stress your child and which make tantrums likelier. That way you can steer clear of those conditions. But try not to be so tantrum-averse that you find yourself compromising standards and routines that you want to live by.

Choosing a Preschool: Deciding Which One

Last week, I posted about looking at schools.  This week is about choosing.

You may have your heart set on one school, but I hope you've looked at more than one. This is especially true if your heart's desire has a robust wait list. Ideally, you will have some “accepts” from which to choose. Not only is it a logistical nightmare not to get into “the one” but it also leaves you feeling dejected and hopeless. When I was directing preschool, I often heard parents express the idea that our school was “the only one” and they'd be devastated if their child didn't get in. Many times I had no choice but to wait-list them. A month or a year later, we'd have an opening and I would call them back. “Oh, no thanks,” they'd say. “We're so happy at ____________ School.” This happened time and time again. Please believe me that there really is no one perfect place.

Assuming you have a few choices, how familiar are you with the schools in question? Were you offered a chance to visit? How transparent are the schools? It's much easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk. Formal, after-hours presentations are great for getting the big picture, but these gatherings are basically in-person brochures. Visiting the school during hours of operation is really the only way to see how practice follows philosophy. (Note: a school with a long wait list may invite you for a visit only after you have attended an orientation and only once they have a spot to fill.)

Many preschools are connected to a place of worship, or to a private elementary school that promotes a certain philosophy. I would think long and hard before enrolling my child in a school whose basic beliefs and tenets are not my own. A snarky way to pose the question is, “Why would I pay someone to teach my child stuff I don't believe, when plenty of people will do that for free?” The truth is, parents often have to run interference between “the world” and their child. A neighbor or relative says something to your child that goes against your grain. You have to decide how to navigate this:

     stand up to what was said in front of that person and your child

     have a quiet word with that person

     have a quiet word with your child

But do you want to set yourself up to be doing this all the time? And really, how can you quarrel with something that is part of the school's express mission, and which you knew about before enrolling? Besides being exhausting and stressful for you, it's a little unfair to your child – and the school!

What are your priorities? A particular philosophy or practice? A school that's close to home/work? Language immersion? A school big/flexible enough that your twins can each have their own classroom? A co-op? In the words of my kids' wonderful preschool teacher, Mae Varon, “there can only be one number one.” And only you know what your number one is.

About your child's schedule...a lot of parents feel that taking things gradually is best. This isn't always a good idea, for two reasons. Reason one is about how it feels to adjust to school. Let's say you want your child ultimately to attend every morning, but you feel that starting with two mornings would be easier. If only those two mornings were consecutive days – but they almost never are. The problem with Tu-Th schedules, or for that matter M-W-F schedules, is that every day feels like Monday! You know how you are with Mondays – going back to work seems like a disruption of your lovely weekend schedule, so it's hard to gear back up. Kids feel the same way. The second reason to bite the bullet and ask for the schedule you ultimately want is more practical in nature. Let's say you start in September with Tu-Th mornings. Then in January you want to switch to full days. Guess what? All the spaces have been filled.

Finally, trust your gut. Intuition gives us important information. Sometimes a like or a dislike isn't something you can articulate or justify, but it still matters and you should pay attention to it. There is a certain something about every school – call it a vibe, because ambience sounds too restaurant-y – that either speaks to you or doesn't. A school might have everything on your wish list but if it doesn't make you feel welcome or at ease (“Would I enjoy spending the day here?”) keep looking.  Or, a school might be missing some big component that is terribly important to you (say, a rich music program) but it feels so right in every other way. Could you commit to music classes on a weekend morning? Are the musical experiences you provide at home enough for now? The overall feel of a school is more than the sum of its parts, and this matters a great deal. To repeat: trust your gut.

And good luck!

Choosing a Preschool: Having a Look Around

Recently I chuckled over a New Yorker cartoon featuring an urban couple fretting over whether they had chosen the right dog park for their pooch. I get it, parents do agonize over where to send their young children to school, often to the point of overthinking it. But when you're in the middle of the search, it does feel like a fateful decision. And it is – choosing where your small child is going to spend his/her days is a very big deal.

I can't tell you where to send your child but I can provide a few ideas to mull over while you're choosing. This post will focus on what to look for (and ask about) when you're touring. My next post will be about deciding.

First, start early. Parents say, “He's only six months old. How in the world do I know what preschool is best for him?” Exactly. If you apply to a number of them now, by the time he is age-ready you will have a few good choices to consider in light of a much better-developed sense of who your child is. By the way, don't get hung up on terms like “preschool,” “pre-k,” “child care” or “nursery school.” The terms are often used interchangeably. I've seen so-called “schools” that weren't much more than babysitting and I've seen home-based “day cares” that were highly nurturing and educational.

Look for a place that is child-centered. This doesn't mean the kids are running the show. It means that the materials in the environment, the schedule, and the expectations are age-appropriate. Kids should have ample time to be physically active, make choices, develop play ideas, and exercise their natural, abundant creativity. Their art is shown at a child's level, not an adult's. What's displayed on the walls represents the diversity of the kids' interests and abilities. (I cringe when I see 15 identical snowman collages assembled to match the teacher's model. That's not even art!)

Look for kids socializing in informal, loosely supervised ways. If every activity is orchestrated and directed by an adult, and performed en masse by the class, kids don't have time to invent their own ways of playing. Adults working in highly structured programs will tell you that this cuts down on conflict. This may be true, but consider that every conflict is an opportunity for rich and important social learning.

And do watch (or ask) how conflicts are resolved. Do teachers arbitrate (settle things for the children?) This is quick and efficient but it doesn't give the kids tools. And it reinforces the habit of running to the teacher every time there is a dispute. Or do the teachers mediate (sit the kids down, ask good questions, and encourage the disputants themselves to craft a solution?) I don't have to tell you that mediation takes more time and energy, but it produces much better results. And it's only possible when the teacher:child ratio is favorable. You can expect this to be reflected in the price tag!

I like to see a preschool that is very clean, especially in the bathrooms and cooking areas, but not crazy-tidy in the places where children play. A certain “creative mess” is to be expected. Can the children easily access books, toys and art materials? Are they encouraged to put things away and neaten up after themselves? That might not produce a picture-perfect environment but it fosters creativity and self-reliance.

How do teachers talk to the kids? Teachers who affect a fake, sing-songy voice and use a lot of jargon just make me nuts. People should talk to kids like one human being addressing another, in an authentic, respectful tone. Look around at the teachers. Are they a diverse group in terms of background, languages spoken, temperament, age? This last one is important – young teachers bring energy and the latest pedagogy based on recent research. Older teachers bring experience, wisdom, patience and institutional memory. They help tend the school's rudder. Ask about the average number of years' tenure for teachers. If they stay a long time, the school is probably a good workplace and a fair employer. You and your child will be beneficiaries of this stability.

Here's a last thing to think about. Traditionally, preschools had a rule requiring children to be potty-trained at the time of enrollment. This practice is on the wane, and for good reason. You wouldn't require a two-year-old entering school to speak a certain number of words, or be able to ride a trike...why require that they use the toilet? Kids develop cognitively, physically and social-emotionally at their own pace and in their own way. I'm not saying that a school which has this rule is a bad school. I am saying that not having such a rule is a pretty good indicator that the school embraces developmentally appropriate practices.

Happy hunting!

Bang, Bang -- You're Dead!

Dear Susie,

My husband and I are super anti-gun – anti-violence – and with all of the gun related tragedies of late, we are even more sensitive to anything gun related. 

It was pretty easy to keep guns out of Marshall's toddler play   He wasn't interested in guns at all.

Then...enter transitional kindergarten last year!  He met friends who were allowed to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all kinds of stuff that he is not. They started to play fighting games on the playground. The teachers stopped it but Marshall was interested! With Legos (which he LOVES to use for building and to role play with after he builds)...in came many many weapons and guns!! Tiny guns, tiny nunchuks, tiny crossbows...

I think he is wrestling with good versus evil. He NEVER wants to be the bad guy in our role plays with his Lego guys - but he sure wants to shoot missiles at them! He wants to shoot them down!!  His dad always has the bad guys doing things like replacing all the good food in the land with candy so everyone gets cavities and their teeth will fall out, etc. And we try to make the guns water guns or say they shoot sticky jelly that makes the bad guys get stuck.

And he indulges us...but boy, he wants to use those little plastic guns and missiles and shoot those bad guys down. I'll add that there's NO violence or hitting issues with kids ever. It's just in Legos play or role-playing.

Okay, so we just want to make sure we are instilling the right values and steering him in the right direction. We talk about how we don't like guns and how they hurt people in real life. (Keep it pretty simple.) I feel like we need a game plan!

Dear Parent, 

Thanks for a thoughtful letter. A lot of the things you are already doing with Marshall strike me as sound. This topic is a perennial, especially for parents of boys. For some reason, gun play just doesn't resonate with little girls as much.

As I see it, there are two main issues. One is the fascination with guns and violence, which drives peaceable parents nearly to distraction. I think this is just how kids manage natural aggression. The second issue is good versus evil, as you noted. The combination of the two themes is played out every day in sandboxes as well as on the world stage. I don't know of a single culture that believes war is a best option, but most cultures will go to war – and do despicable things to other human beings – if they believe they are “good” and the other is “evil.”

First I'll talk about the obsession with weapons. You raised your baby and toddler with gentle, peaceable toys. Then the world intruded: ideas that are taboo in your home found their way into his play. A lot of parents shrug and say “Oh, heck, he can bite the corner off a graham cracker and make a 'gun.' You can stick two Legos together and make a 'gun.' He can pick up a stick off the ground, point it and say 'bang bang.' Why not just buy the kid a gun?”

My answer to that is that once the graham cracker is eaten, the gun is gone. The Legos can be taken apart and used to make something else – beaten into plowshares, if you will! The stick, tossed back down, gets ground into the earth. A plastic gun sitting in the toy chest is a standing invitation to violent play, and only violent play. Any toy in your home has your tacit endorsement.

Your home is the place where you impart your values. You can say “please don't point that banana at me and say 'bang bang.' I don't like guns, even pretend guns. Guns are for hurting people.” You can suggest, like the proprietor of a western saloon trying to run a peaceful business, that “weapons” (the Lego gun, the half-eaten graham cracker, any weapon created by your enterprising and creative kid) be stopped and stored at the front door. You can't keep the ideas out (that would be mind control – good luck with that!) but you can let your child know in no uncertain terms how you roll.

But fantasy violent play is just that – a place to put aggressive thoughts and feeling. You mentioned that his play never spills over into hurting other kids. It's just pretend and it doesn't lead to mayhem. This means that, with fantasy play as an outlet, he's doing a pretty good job of expressing aggressive impulses while keeping them in check. Sweet! He can also do this by means of drawings and stories that don't hurt anyone in real life.

And yes, the second part of this discussion is the struggle between good and evil, which fours and fives generally obsess over. This goes along with a fascination with power (at a time where children are just beginning to realize how very powerless they really are...interesting, yes?) Very young children, toddlers and preschoolers, hold an absolutist view of everyone in the world as all-good or all-bad. This comes to a crescendo at around kindergarten age, and then subsides. (As a side note, this is about the same time that a child begins to get a solid grip on his self-control so he can do what he is supposed to do instead of what he wishes to do. He has learned to listen to the cartoon angel whispering into one ear instead of the demon hissing into the other!) No wonder kids this age love fairy tales. Everything about good and bad is so clear-cut. There's always a mean perp, a helpless vic, and a hero who knows the difference and has the power to set things right.

Later, at six and seven, kids start to realize there are shades of gray, that real-life heroes like their parents are flawed – that we're all imperfect. This is huge.

With a child of four or five, who hasn't reached that level of nuanced thinking, I'd read him lots of hero/villain stories. I'd ask to hear his stories, and maybe write them down. I'd ask what's good about the hero, what's bad about the villain. Without dismissing his story lines, I might ask if there are alternate ways of fighting evil. What is powerful besides weaponry? The sun, the wind and water are powerful. Love is powerful. Words are powerful. A decision to say yes or no to something is powerful. As a parent you can help your child use that same creativity that made a gun out of a twig to think about the struggle between good and bad and all the ways we can harness power for the better.

For more reading about this issue, have a look at

Who's Calling the Shots?: How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination With War Play and War Toys by Nancy Carlsson-Paige and Diane E. Levin

and

Killing Monsters: Why Children NEED Fantasy, Super Heroes, and Make-Believe Violence by Gerard Jones