Dear
Susie,
Niva,
four, told me her baby doll died the other day and I totally blanked
and had no idea how to play back or reply so I told her maybe she's
just in deep sleep and needs medicine. I knew it was wrong as it was
coming out but was caught off guard! Our good friends' dog died
about a week ago, and I think this might be related to the loss.
Dear
Parent,
Well,
to begin with, Niva is right on target, developmentally. Fours
and fives usually become very interested in death and dying.
Have you noticed how toddlers seem to be so "in the moment?"
They really are! No past, no future, just right now...how
lovely, right? But once kids get to be Niva's age, they start
thinking about things like the party last week and when their
birthday will come. Time becomes more dimensional. This
naturally leads them to ask immense questions like "where did I
come from?" and "where am I going?"
Your
email touches on two really great points. One is how to answer
a hard question and the other is how to mend things when you don't
like the answer you gave.
For
some detailed ideas about talking to children about the death of a
pet, please scroll back to my blog posts of February 20 and 28, 2014.
.
The
main thing is to let the child lead the conversation and give them
small, true answers. In a way, you and Niva were very lucky –
it's so much easier to have this opening conversation when it's about
someone else's pet. That's pretty far removed from your
family's life. Niva will probably be most interested in "the
facts of death," and it's much easier for you to share these
things when you are not grieving yourself.
Her
play with the baby doll is a wonderful example of how kids process
things that puzzle or worry them – through play. And to be
honest, I think most parents would have reacted much as you did.
As prepared as we think we are, pronouncements liked hers often stun
us and knock us off balance. Here are some ways one might
respond (and remember, I'm not in the trenches, here. I'm
sitting at my desk writing, there is no four-year-old at hand, and
I've had time to process your question):
"Oh
dear! What does that mean, your baby died?" A
clarifying question like this buys you a little time to reflect. And
her answer might help you understand what she knows and what she
doesn't. Then you can fill in some of the gaps. Easy does
it – small bits!
"I
wonder if you're thinking about Tisha's dog. What happened to
him?" This takes her back to her conversations with
Tisha about the dog. Again, there might be some gaps.
"It's
sad when somebody's pet dies. Would you like to make a picture
of Boomer and tell Tisha how sorry we are that he died?" This
might prompt a little empathy for what her friend is going through.
And it's a wonderful opportunity to begin teaching Niva how we take
care of our friends when they're sad.
Now let's turn to your worry that you didn't respond as you would have liked.
(By the way, I love what you said about "play back"
and "reply." If only!) One great thing about
our kids is that they live with us and we have nearly constant
access to them. That means we are afforded just about infinite
opportunities for a do-over. A do-over might look like this:
"Y'know,
you said something so interesting yesterday and it really got me
thinking..."
or
"Niva,
you asked me a question yesterday and I was really busy and didn't
have time to give you a good answer..."
or
"Sweetie,
yesterday you asked me _______________ and I said ______________ and
I don't really like that answer. Would you like to hear a
better one?"
See
what I mean? You can return with a more thoughtful, fleshed-out
response, as well as perhaps a picture book or two on the subject.
The conversation with your child about death and dying will be a long
one that will last years. Your openness and availability on
this (or any) tender topic will keep the door of communication
standing ajar.
Hope
this helps! Best, Susie
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