Toddler Resisting a Diaper Change

Dear Susie, 

I read your post about Why Toddlers Say “No” All the Time [July 5, 2013] and shared it with my wife.  Very informative and helpful.

Parenthood has been one of the most transformative experiences in our lives.  We are marveling at all the changes that we're experiencing ourselves and the change of perspective as we see the world through our toddler's eyes.  

Adam has recently (a few months now) stopped letting us change him on the changing table.  He doesn't like us to change his clothes and its a struggle every time.  It makes it particularly challenging when he has a full, dirty diaper.  Any suggestions as to what this may be related to and how we can be better parents?

Dear Parent,

Thanks for the kind words. First of all, I love the name Adam!  Second, I love your attitude about parenthood as an adventure and a renewed sense of experiencing the world.  Lovely. 

Third, this is a common toddler behavior.  Toddlers hate being interrupted and "messed" with, even when the result is a clean (and, one would think, more comfortable) diaper.  Being changed is a challenge to their autonomy, and autonomy is the big, prevailing theme of toddlerhood.

One thing that helps with any transition is a five-minute warning:  "Wow, I think that diaper needs to be changed.  We're going to do that in five minutes."  Then follow through.  Of course he doesn't know what five minutes is, but after a while he will get the picture.  It can be four or six minutes...of course.

This may or may not be the key.  If five minutes' verbal warning doesn't do the trick, try adding a bell or alarm.  For example, you could set your phone to ring in five.  Show him that you're doing this.  Ask him to tell you when it rings and (if he's already talking a bit) what you're supposed to do when it does. He will probably enjoy being in charge of telling you when it rings, and that it's time to change the diaper.  This way, it's not you against him (a contest) but him working with the timer (cooperation.) Thank him for reminding you about the diaper change.

You can add a little forecast of something fun after the change:  "After we change your diaper, we're going to have chicken noodle soup for lunch!"  Don't make this a bribe (if you do this, I will do that...) Just tell him what's planned for after, so he has something to look forward to, and to underscore a sense of routine.

If he has a special song he likes, maybe you can make up a silly version of it that includes the steps in diapering.  For example, to the tune of “This is the Way”:

     Now we take your overalls off, overalls off, overalls off,

     Now we take your overalls off, to get Adam clean!

     Now we need to use the wipes, use the wipes, use the wipes

     Now we need to use the wipes, to get Adam clean!

As you can see, this song doesn't have to be Great Art!  Adding few more verses (take off the diaper, put on the diaper, etc.) would see him through the whole process.  I would only sing this song when he's getting changed, to make it special.  Toddlers love rituals almost as much as they love autonomy!

Hope this helps, Susie