Ten Good Reasons to Take Your Child to the Library

1) The library is a great place to “shop” for books before you make a permanent investment. Of the five or ten books you take home, you child will have a few favorites. These would be great ones to own! Buy them or put them on your wish list for birthdays and other gifting occasions.

2) Most libraries schedule story times, even for infants and toddlers. These are great opportunities to practice “school skills” like sitting in a circle and sharing an adult (whoever is reading to the kids) with a number of other children.

3) You can often find music experiences at the library, either as part of story time or as a separate offering. Singing music in a group is a unique interactive experience, very different from listening to music on a device. Singing, in addition to being pleasurable for kids, introduces them to rhyme and rhythm, both of which help them learn to read later.

4) You will get to know the children's librarian, who is a great ally. He or she will help you satisfy your child's curiosity while expanding interests.

5) Some libraries have volunteer “grandparents” on hand during scheduled times. This provides cross-generational contact, especially valuable for kids whose own grandparents aren't nearby.

6) The library is a great place to donate books your child has outgrown. Libraries hold book sales where you can get great deals on used books. Proceeds from the sale augment the library's budget for acquiring wonderful new books.

7) Kids meet other kids in their age group at the library.

8) Parents meet other like-minded parents at the library.

9) Library visits often get extended to park visits or a stop for lunch. These impromptu playdates enrich kids' social life and strengthen ties with other families.

10) Libraries are open even when the weather is bad and you can't go to the beach, enjoy the park or take a walk.

My daughter Sarah Walsh, who is a children's librarian, helped me with this list. Thank you Sarah! As a veteran of many storytimes (both as a provider and as the parent of a toddler) she asked me to add one final note: If you are participating in a structured library program with your child, be sure to give the librarian your full attention. Sure, you already know that Max gets back from where the wild things are and ends up in his very own room, but that's not the point. The point is that you model curious, attentive, engaged behavior. Your child's future teachers will thank you!

"Preventing" Tantrums?

At a recent parent-toddler class, we discussed “preventing" tantrums.  This is at once a very good idea and a terrible one. Here's what I mean.

If preventing tantrums means noticing what the conditions looked like before the tantrum and trying to avoid re-creating those conditions, this is a great idea. Perhaps you were trying to finish up a project and delayed feeding your toddler, which took him from “a little hungry” to “extremely hungry and very grouchy.” Or you tried to fit too many errands into an afternoon when his nap had been skimpier than usual. What you've learned is that if your young child is experiencing unmet needs (such as hunger or tiredness) any task or request or transition that would normally go over okay can bring on a tantrum. Duly noted!

However, preventing tantrums can easily turn into tiptoeing around your toddler. Perhaps what triggers a tantrum is a perfectly reasonable request, such as “Let's put these toys in the basket,” or your refusal to cater to food fussiness (“What I made for lunch today is tuna sandwiches – maybe we can have mac and cheese tomorrow.”) You have a choice between two very unpleasant alternatives: endure a few tantrums or give up the expectation that your child will learn to help with cleanup; endure a few tantrums or turn yourself into a short-order cook. My advice is to endure a few tantrums and stay the course. And I say “a few tantrums” because once your child learns that her outbursts will be met with empathy for her distress paired with a steadfast refusal to cater to her whims, the tantrums should diminish. The outbursts were a lot of bother and they didn't accomplish anything! There's no incentive for her to continue repeating the behavior. This is how kids gradually learn to maintain composure in the face of disappointment and frustration.

But it is quite tempting to tiptoe around. In fact, it's such a slippery slope that sometimes we're not even consciously aware that we're going out of our way to placate the child. Or perhaps we've gotten into the habit of backing down when the child doesn't like a position we took – turning our “no” into an “oh, all right, if you insist.” It may be that a child's tantrum is very, very upsetting to you – more than just loud, inconvenient, annoying and occasionally embarrassing. Spend a little time thinking about why this is, perhaps even talking about it with your partner or a trusted friend. You may need to ask yourself. “What's the worst thing that can happen?” You may need to train yourself to calmly observe the stages of a tantrum as you would a force of nature: imagine watching a fire ignite, flare and finally burn itself out. You may need to sit with the discomfort of naming and warmly accepting your child's feelings without taking responsibility for fixing anything. (This, by the way, is the gift of a lifetime. It's your toddler's key to self-awareness and self-regulation. And though it's quite simple, I'm not saying it's easy!)

So of course keep your eye out for conditions that stress your child and which make tantrums likelier. That way you can steer clear of those conditions. But try not to be so tantrum-averse that you find yourself compromising standards and routines that you want to live by.

Choosing a Preschool: Deciding Which One

Last week, I posted about looking at schools.  This week is about choosing.

You may have your heart set on one school, but I hope you've looked at more than one. This is especially true if your heart's desire has a robust wait list. Ideally, you will have some “accepts” from which to choose. Not only is it a logistical nightmare not to get into “the one” but it also leaves you feeling dejected and hopeless. When I was directing preschool, I often heard parents express the idea that our school was “the only one” and they'd be devastated if their child didn't get in. Many times I had no choice but to wait-list them. A month or a year later, we'd have an opening and I would call them back. “Oh, no thanks,” they'd say. “We're so happy at ____________ School.” This happened time and time again. Please believe me that there really is no one perfect place.

Assuming you have a few choices, how familiar are you with the schools in question? Were you offered a chance to visit? How transparent are the schools? It's much easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk. Formal, after-hours presentations are great for getting the big picture, but these gatherings are basically in-person brochures. Visiting the school during hours of operation is really the only way to see how practice follows philosophy. (Note: a school with a long wait list may invite you for a visit only after you have attended an orientation and only once they have a spot to fill.)

Many preschools are connected to a place of worship, or to a private elementary school that promotes a certain philosophy. I would think long and hard before enrolling my child in a school whose basic beliefs and tenets are not my own. A snarky way to pose the question is, “Why would I pay someone to teach my child stuff I don't believe, when plenty of people will do that for free?” The truth is, parents often have to run interference between “the world” and their child. A neighbor or relative says something to your child that goes against your grain. You have to decide how to navigate this:

     stand up to what was said in front of that person and your child

     have a quiet word with that person

     have a quiet word with your child

But do you want to set yourself up to be doing this all the time? And really, how can you quarrel with something that is part of the school's express mission, and which you knew about before enrolling? Besides being exhausting and stressful for you, it's a little unfair to your child – and the school!

What are your priorities? A particular philosophy or practice? A school that's close to home/work? Language immersion? A school big/flexible enough that your twins can each have their own classroom? A co-op? In the words of my kids' wonderful preschool teacher, Mae Varon, “there can only be one number one.” And only you know what your number one is.

About your child's schedule...a lot of parents feel that taking things gradually is best. This isn't always a good idea, for two reasons. Reason one is about how it feels to adjust to school. Let's say you want your child ultimately to attend every morning, but you feel that starting with two mornings would be easier. If only those two mornings were consecutive days – but they almost never are. The problem with Tu-Th schedules, or for that matter M-W-F schedules, is that every day feels like Monday! You know how you are with Mondays – going back to work seems like a disruption of your lovely weekend schedule, so it's hard to gear back up. Kids feel the same way. The second reason to bite the bullet and ask for the schedule you ultimately want is more practical in nature. Let's say you start in September with Tu-Th mornings. Then in January you want to switch to full days. Guess what? All the spaces have been filled.

Finally, trust your gut. Intuition gives us important information. Sometimes a like or a dislike isn't something you can articulate or justify, but it still matters and you should pay attention to it. There is a certain something about every school – call it a vibe, because ambience sounds too restaurant-y – that either speaks to you or doesn't. A school might have everything on your wish list but if it doesn't make you feel welcome or at ease (“Would I enjoy spending the day here?”) keep looking.  Or, a school might be missing some big component that is terribly important to you (say, a rich music program) but it feels so right in every other way. Could you commit to music classes on a weekend morning? Are the musical experiences you provide at home enough for now? The overall feel of a school is more than the sum of its parts, and this matters a great deal. To repeat: trust your gut.

And good luck!

Choosing a Preschool: Having a Look Around

Recently I chuckled over a New Yorker cartoon featuring an urban couple fretting over whether they had chosen the right dog park for their pooch. I get it, parents do agonize over where to send their young children to school, often to the point of overthinking it. But when you're in the middle of the search, it does feel like a fateful decision. And it is – choosing where your small child is going to spend his/her days is a very big deal.

I can't tell you where to send your child but I can provide a few ideas to mull over while you're choosing. This post will focus on what to look for (and ask about) when you're touring. My next post will be about deciding.

First, start early. Parents say, “He's only six months old. How in the world do I know what preschool is best for him?” Exactly. If you apply to a number of them now, by the time he is age-ready you will have a few good choices to consider in light of a much better-developed sense of who your child is. By the way, don't get hung up on terms like “preschool,” “pre-k,” “child care” or “nursery school.” The terms are often used interchangeably. I've seen so-called “schools” that weren't much more than babysitting and I've seen home-based “day cares” that were highly nurturing and educational.

Look for a place that is child-centered. This doesn't mean the kids are running the show. It means that the materials in the environment, the schedule, and the expectations are age-appropriate. Kids should have ample time to be physically active, make choices, develop play ideas, and exercise their natural, abundant creativity. Their art is shown at a child's level, not an adult's. What's displayed on the walls represents the diversity of the kids' interests and abilities. (I cringe when I see 15 identical snowman collages assembled to match the teacher's model. That's not even art!)

Look for kids socializing in informal, loosely supervised ways. If every activity is orchestrated and directed by an adult, and performed en masse by the class, kids don't have time to invent their own ways of playing. Adults working in highly structured programs will tell you that this cuts down on conflict. This may be true, but consider that every conflict is an opportunity for rich and important social learning.

And do watch (or ask) how conflicts are resolved. Do teachers arbitrate (settle things for the children?) This is quick and efficient but it doesn't give the kids tools. And it reinforces the habit of running to the teacher every time there is a dispute. Or do the teachers mediate (sit the kids down, ask good questions, and encourage the disputants themselves to craft a solution?) I don't have to tell you that mediation takes more time and energy, but it produces much better results. And it's only possible when the teacher:child ratio is favorable. You can expect this to be reflected in the price tag!

I like to see a preschool that is very clean, especially in the bathrooms and cooking areas, but not crazy-tidy in the places where children play. A certain “creative mess” is to be expected. Can the children easily access books, toys and art materials? Are they encouraged to put things away and neaten up after themselves? That might not produce a picture-perfect environment but it fosters creativity and self-reliance.

How do teachers talk to the kids? Teachers who affect a fake, sing-songy voice and use a lot of jargon just make me nuts. People should talk to kids like one human being addressing another, in an authentic, respectful tone. Look around at the teachers. Are they a diverse group in terms of background, languages spoken, temperament, age? This last one is important – young teachers bring energy and the latest pedagogy based on recent research. Older teachers bring experience, wisdom, patience and institutional memory. They help tend the school's rudder. Ask about the average number of years' tenure for teachers. If they stay a long time, the school is probably a good workplace and a fair employer. You and your child will be beneficiaries of this stability.

Here's a last thing to think about. Traditionally, preschools had a rule requiring children to be potty-trained at the time of enrollment. This practice is on the wane, and for good reason. You wouldn't require a two-year-old entering school to speak a certain number of words, or be able to ride a trike...why require that they use the toilet? Kids develop cognitively, physically and social-emotionally at their own pace and in their own way. I'm not saying that a school which has this rule is a bad school. I am saying that not having such a rule is a pretty good indicator that the school embraces developmentally appropriate practices.

Happy hunting!

Bang, Bang -- You're Dead!

Dear Susie,

My husband and I are super anti-gun – anti-violence – and with all of the gun related tragedies of late, we are even more sensitive to anything gun related. 

It was pretty easy to keep guns out of Marshall's toddler play   He wasn't interested in guns at all.

Then...enter transitional kindergarten last year!  He met friends who were allowed to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all kinds of stuff that he is not. They started to play fighting games on the playground. The teachers stopped it but Marshall was interested! With Legos (which he LOVES to use for building and to role play with after he builds)...in came many many weapons and guns!! Tiny guns, tiny nunchuks, tiny crossbows...

I think he is wrestling with good versus evil. He NEVER wants to be the bad guy in our role plays with his Lego guys - but he sure wants to shoot missiles at them! He wants to shoot them down!!  His dad always has the bad guys doing things like replacing all the good food in the land with candy so everyone gets cavities and their teeth will fall out, etc. And we try to make the guns water guns or say they shoot sticky jelly that makes the bad guys get stuck.

And he indulges us...but boy, he wants to use those little plastic guns and missiles and shoot those bad guys down. I'll add that there's NO violence or hitting issues with kids ever. It's just in Legos play or role-playing.

Okay, so we just want to make sure we are instilling the right values and steering him in the right direction. We talk about how we don't like guns and how they hurt people in real life. (Keep it pretty simple.) I feel like we need a game plan!

Dear Parent, 

Thanks for a thoughtful letter. A lot of the things you are already doing with Marshall strike me as sound. This topic is a perennial, especially for parents of boys. For some reason, gun play just doesn't resonate with little girls as much.

As I see it, there are two main issues. One is the fascination with guns and violence, which drives peaceable parents nearly to distraction. I think this is just how kids manage natural aggression. The second issue is good versus evil, as you noted. The combination of the two themes is played out every day in sandboxes as well as on the world stage. I don't know of a single culture that believes war is a best option, but most cultures will go to war – and do despicable things to other human beings – if they believe they are “good” and the other is “evil.”

First I'll talk about the obsession with weapons. You raised your baby and toddler with gentle, peaceable toys. Then the world intruded: ideas that are taboo in your home found their way into his play. A lot of parents shrug and say “Oh, heck, he can bite the corner off a graham cracker and make a 'gun.' You can stick two Legos together and make a 'gun.' He can pick up a stick off the ground, point it and say 'bang bang.' Why not just buy the kid a gun?”

My answer to that is that once the graham cracker is eaten, the gun is gone. The Legos can be taken apart and used to make something else – beaten into plowshares, if you will! The stick, tossed back down, gets ground into the earth. A plastic gun sitting in the toy chest is a standing invitation to violent play, and only violent play. Any toy in your home has your tacit endorsement.

Your home is the place where you impart your values. You can say “please don't point that banana at me and say 'bang bang.' I don't like guns, even pretend guns. Guns are for hurting people.” You can suggest, like the proprietor of a western saloon trying to run a peaceful business, that “weapons” (the Lego gun, the half-eaten graham cracker, any weapon created by your enterprising and creative kid) be stopped and stored at the front door. You can't keep the ideas out (that would be mind control – good luck with that!) but you can let your child know in no uncertain terms how you roll.

But fantasy violent play is just that – a place to put aggressive thoughts and feeling. You mentioned that his play never spills over into hurting other kids. It's just pretend and it doesn't lead to mayhem. This means that, with fantasy play as an outlet, he's doing a pretty good job of expressing aggressive impulses while keeping them in check. Sweet! He can also do this by means of drawings and stories that don't hurt anyone in real life.

And yes, the second part of this discussion is the struggle between good and evil, which fours and fives generally obsess over. This goes along with a fascination with power (at a time where children are just beginning to realize how very powerless they really are...interesting, yes?) Very young children, toddlers and preschoolers, hold an absolutist view of everyone in the world as all-good or all-bad. This comes to a crescendo at around kindergarten age, and then subsides. (As a side note, this is about the same time that a child begins to get a solid grip on his self-control so he can do what he is supposed to do instead of what he wishes to do. He has learned to listen to the cartoon angel whispering into one ear instead of the demon hissing into the other!) No wonder kids this age love fairy tales. Everything about good and bad is so clear-cut. There's always a mean perp, a helpless vic, and a hero who knows the difference and has the power to set things right.

Later, at six and seven, kids start to realize there are shades of gray, that real-life heroes like their parents are flawed – that we're all imperfect. This is huge.

With a child of four or five, who hasn't reached that level of nuanced thinking, I'd read him lots of hero/villain stories. I'd ask to hear his stories, and maybe write them down. I'd ask what's good about the hero, what's bad about the villain. Without dismissing his story lines, I might ask if there are alternate ways of fighting evil. What is powerful besides weaponry? The sun, the wind and water are powerful. Love is powerful. Words are powerful. A decision to say yes or no to something is powerful. As a parent you can help your child use that same creativity that made a gun out of a twig to think about the struggle between good and bad and all the ways we can harness power for the better.

For more reading about this issue, have a look at

Who's Calling the Shots?: How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination With War Play and War Toys by Nancy Carlsson-Paige and Diane E. Levin

and

Killing Monsters: Why Children NEED Fantasy, Super Heroes, and Make-Believe Violence by Gerard Jones

"I Don't Know"

Starting around age three or 4, kids start asking questions. Lots and lots and lots of questions. So many questions that you think you may go quite mad. So many questions that you may want to shriek “Because!” or “Don't ask me that again!” or even “Go away!”

Maybe the hardest questions are the ones you don't know the answer to. Questions like “Why can't we stay at the park?” or “Where are my shoes?” are annoying, especially after multiple go-rounds, but at least you know the answer! A question like “Why do some of the flowers grow back each year and other ones you have to plant again and again?” would catch me off guard. (For the sake of a fair discussion, I just posed a question I don't know the answer to.) I could show off and say “Because some flowers are perennials and some are annuals,” but I wouldn't really be answering the question. The question is about why there are perennials and annuals, and how they behave differently.

I's perfectly OK to say “I don't know,” with one caveat – that you follow it up with “Let's find out.” Every kid is a fountain of natural curiosity, and you nurture that curiosity not by always providing pat, accurate answers but by demonstrating that his curiosity delights you. You're not the encyclopedia – you're his research partner.

An obvious first step is the internet. But don't let it stop there. Make time for a trip to the library. The children's librarian is your great friend and ally, a valuable member of the research team. He or she will remember that Blair is into butterflies and that Ruthie loves gymnastics. That librarian will not only help you slake their thirst for information about pet topics, but will also tend to the expansion of their interests.

Another wonderful resource is all the people you know – family, friends and neighbors. Maybe when you're on a family walk, you could ask that retired guy down the street who's always puttering in his garden.. Or you and your child could ask Aunt Kate next time you are Skyping with her. Someone you already know might be able to solve the mystery of the perennials and the annuals. In all likelihood, that person will be delighted to help. And your child will see him or her in a new light.

So it's perfectly OK to say I don't know. It shows that you're honest, self-aware and humble. All of this is good modeling. Add to that “Let's find out” and you demonstrate that you are curious, open-minded and resourceful. That's pretty good modeling too!

Swim Lessons - Ugh!

Dear Susie,

Cole is now 3 1/2.  We have long been meaning to sign him up for swimming classes, and finally this weekend went down to the Y and did it.  We then went to the pool with Cole - he saw the pool, saw the kids swimming, and I explained to him what swimming classes are like.  I explained that he has a teacher at school who has helped him learn about the world and now he'll also have a teacher at the pool who will help learn about swimming and being safe in the water.  

The problem?  He is digging in his heels and saying over and over that he doesn't want to take swimming lessons.  This is the way he is about EVERYTHING.  He always says no to whatever activity is happening, and then we go, and he still says no. But usually, usually after a while he warms up to the concept and will partake in whatever is happening - it just takes him a really really long time to get there.  And the whole time he cries and whines and tantrums and is stubborn. Bouncy houses, riding horses, playing in a big gym with his friends, putting his swim suit on for a water day at school, you name it.  I wish he was the kind of kid that was happy and excited about doing new things, but he is pretty much the opposite of that.  We plan to be near water a lot this summer, and he really needs to learn water safety. It's time, and actually overdue.  

My plan is to get him to the pool really early on his lesson day, so he can just watch. And then I'm hoping I can convince him to put on his swim suit and just sit with his feet in the water.  I know it just has to be done slowly.  But I have a feeling he's not even going to want to put on his swim suit, or get in the car to go down to the pool in the first place.  (He's really into being a policeman right now, and so I've even been talking to him about how policemen need to know how to swim)

Do you see my problem?  How do you get a kid like this to do an activity that you know he really needs, and I actually think he'll have fun with once he starts?  Any advice is very welcomed.

Dear Parent,

I do indeed see your problem.  And I appreciate your honest feelings about who he might have been and who he actually is (" I wish he was the kind of kid that was happy and excited about doing new things, but he is pretty much the opposite of that.")   Cole definitely sounds like one of those kids who warms to new experiences slowly and in his own way. The good news is that children who are not diver-inners are often safer in the long run.  (Impulsive kids spend more time in the ER, I promise you!)

In my February 15 blog, I talked a little bit about the research on temperament (though the topic was eating, not swimming) so I'll point you to that without going into a lot of detail here.  Kids (and adults) who are slow to warm to a new experience tend to be this way pretty globally – food, people, activities.  I think the hardest thing is resisting the urge to use logic with them about it ("Remember how worried you were about starting school?  Now you love school and Miss Patty and all the kids!")  There are a couple of reasons I don't advise this kind of "pep-talk."  The first is that it doesn't work.  The second is that it carries a whiff of "I told you so."  It makes the final part of the scenario – the kid adapting to school, or liking the new babysitter after all, or finally eating carrots – into a victory for the parent and a defeat for the child.  Bad framing!!  This leopard is not going to change his spots.  Trying to talk him into not fretting over a new experience would be like trying to get him to swallow his food whole, without chewing.  Fretting is just part of Cole's process!

So, how to respond to the fretting?  Basically, I would try to accept it calmly and not to be annoyed or derailed by it (not easy!)  I might use empathy plus a gentle reframe:  "Sounds like you're worried about whether you're going to enjoy swimming.  I understand.  And I really hope it gets fun for you! Now let's get in the car."  Another validating reframe is "You're learning to try new things.  That can be really hard, I know!" Once he does (we hope!) learn to enjoy swimming, try not to take away any of his glory by saying "See?  I told you it would be fun!"  Just enjoy it with him, as in "Wow, that looks fun!" or "You did it!"

For you, one of the keys is deciding in your own mind which activities are mandatory and which ones aren't. Then you can be pushier about the former and more laissez-faire about the latter. Swimming is mandatory because it's about safety and...well, the meter's running. (You're paying for him to learn a skill.) Non-mandatory would be a trip to the park, say, or a birthday party. He can sit next to you and observe without joining in for a long time (if at all) without being coaxed or prodded and that's perfectly OK.. That should be a relief for both of you.

I think your ideas of pre-viewing the class and going early are brilliant.  He can get a head start on all the warming up he needs.  This is a good strategy for any new situation, like a new school, a play date in an unfamiliar place, or any event where there are going to be a lot of people. I assume you've vetted the teachers at the swim school, and that they are good at working with kids who are feeling balky without pressuring or shaming them, which of course would totally backfire.

As you probably know from previous posts, I'm big on bibliotherapy!  Maybe you can make a "Trying New Things" book with Cole that he can add to, page by page, as he adds new experiences to his repertoire.  He can make a picture and tell you how he felt before, during and after.  This might give him insight about his process as well as reassurance that things usually turn out better than expected – a reassurance that comes from within.