Navigating "The Red Zone"

My boot camp instructor, Steven Brown, calls this time of year “The Red Zone.” This is his way of warning us that the stresses of the holidays, combined with all the tempting sugars and carbs and extra alcohol that are put before us, can add up to weight gain. So, what are the dangers of The Red Zone for kids?

The upcoming cascade of holidays – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah/Christmas and sometimes even Valentine's Day – are super-fun for kids, but they present challenges. Extra travel is sometimes involved. Families are reconstituted as relatives visit us or host us. Sleep gets disrupted. There's a lot more sugar within grasp. Any and all of these things make some adults irritable, and kids are no different. The more we can practice moderation, keep to some kind of schedule, and maintain our standards for behavior (including parental follow-through!) the better off our kids will be.

I've noticed that adults and children process the “Before/During/After” of holidays very differently. For us, there's the big buildup, which can be stressful from the standpoint of planning, shopping, cooking – and budgeting. This is followed by the enjoyment of the holiday itself, and then a sheer drop-off as we bustle to return to “normal.” (Even the most ardent Noel-ophile I know is only too happy to box up the decorations, drop the kids back at school, and shuttle the in-laws to the airport right after Christmas!) For kids it's quite different. Their anticipation is unfettered and worry-free. Wild with anticipation, their only real challenge is waiting for the holiday to actually arrive. They relish the festivities and then what? There is a smooth, gradual slope back to normalcy as they savor the holiday's pleasures, chattering excitedly, reliving, and re-reliving the whole thing. (Any parent who has been treated to “The Dreidl Song” or “Jingle Bells” sometime around late January will know what I'm talking about.)

In the coming months, I hope you'll find useful strategies for mitigating the extra stimulation holidays present. I also hope you'll appreciate that your child's way of processing the Anticipation/Enjoyment/Afterglow may differ from yours.

In closing, I want to say a few last-minute words about Halloween. Part of the fun of the holiday is scaring and being scared. And it's only fun if the child can control the stimuli somewhat. Kids like to “play with their edge,” discovering where their fears lie, what they can tolerate, and how much is too much. Think of a child playing by the seashore. She ventures out as the waves recede, and then discovers whether she dares let them lap up on her ankles – or legs! – when they crash back up on the sand. If it's too scary, she backs up. Then she ventures forth again. Kids can do this for hours. They are playing with their edge, and it's both fascinating and fun because they have control. Insisting that a child confront a fear usually backfires horribly. Let them lead and you follow. This may mean involving a second adult who can take one child home, leaving any others to continue enjoying the festivities.

And don't be surprised if your child, who as a baby/toddler enjoyed last Halloween, has a very different “take” this year. Two-year-olds and some three-year-olds are famous for being scared stiff by disguises, especially masks. Sometimes at this age a very little bit can be too much.

Best of luck navigating The Red Zone!

"Stop Crying, You're Fine!"

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the reunion of a performance company I belonged to many years ago. We reconnected, danced until long after midnight, and made wonderful music. Emotions were high. There was lots of reminiscing, both formal and informal. We laughed until our sides ached. And there were tears.

I noticed that when people were speaking publicly – whether giving tributes to individuals or to the overall experience we had shared – if they began to cry, they apologized. This was true of men and women alike. There is nothing unusual about this; you hear it all the time. But it was the first time I really noticed it and began thinking about it.

Why do we say “Excuse me” or “I'm so sorry” when we break down with emotion? We behave as though we had done something gauche, like passing gas or burping. Is strong emotion rude? Is it impolite or uncivilized? I can understand apologizing after losing one's temper, but what is it about the sweet, powerful emotions of nostalgia or sadness that embarrasses us? Maybe it's just an American thing. Perhaps in the end we're just a nation of cowboys who like to sit tall in the saddle and not let all those pesky feelings show.

I can't help wondering how this plays out with our children, especially boys. I've often watched people try to shush a hurt child, let's say one who's fallen down and skinned a knee. The parents tell the child he's not hurt and to stop crying. For starters, how can anyone tell another person he's not hurt? How can one know? And then I've watched as the child's distress grows, his wails getting louder and louder as people continue to deny his experience. I don't think this crescendo is due to increasing physical pain. I think he's getting wound up from the emotional pain of not “feeling felt.” He's saying no, this is awful – won't someone listen? I've always observed that a calm, appropriate response to the unpleasant surprise (and possible embarrassment) of falling, plus a little empathy for the pain, dries the tears a lot faster than “Stop crying, you're fine.”

I would love to hear from my readers, especially those who came here from other places or who have lived abroad, about how crying in public is viewed around the world. I'm also interested in how children are taught about crying – whether it's seen as awkward, silly, normal – in other cultures.
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Bringing Baby Home – to a Preschooler (Part Two)

Dear Parent,

Two weeks ago (see my blog entry dated Tuesday, September 24) we talked about the concerns you had after bringing home your baby. Your preschooler was acting out and you said “We don't want to cut him slack or ignore these problems just because this is a hard transition time for him.”

You're absolutely right not to let misbehavior slide.  This is a sort of paradox, because acting out is predictable when there's a new baby in the house. But just because you expect some increased misbehavior doesn't mean it's a good idea to ignore it. To understand this, it helps to think about change. Change is stressful – any change, good or bad. (For example, moving into a new apartment – even if it's so much nicer than the old one and closer to work – is stressful.) Aaron is dealing with the addition of a baby to his household. This is a huge change, very exciting for him and probably somewhat distressing too. Any other change added to that would compound his distress. So if you suddenly begin operating under different rules (so now it's “OK” to hit, or throw toys, or eat away from the table?) things would be even harder for him – not easier. The old familiar boundaries are consoling and stabilizing, despite the fact that he's having a harder time staying within them.

He does need you to correct aggressive behavior, but I think along with that he needs to "feel felt" for what's going on inside. By this I mean getting to the root cause – something like "I wonder why you took the truck and pushed Jamie down...maybe you wish you could have all the toys all to yourself all the time!  That sure would be fun!  [This addresses his feelings of being invaded and having to give up some of the limelight and power.]  But it's not OK to push Jamie because that hurts his body.  Let's think about some safer ways to get a toy that you want."

Aaron is probably acutely aware of the discrepancy between how the world thinks he should feel about his baby brother Samuel...and how he actually feels.  I think parents tend to be a little squeamish about giving voice to a child's extravagantly jealous or greedy or anti-social impulses.  But these are just words - a fantasy spoken out loud.  And words can comfort a child, especially words that express how he's truly feeling.  Getting these emotions out of the dark and into the light makes them not so terrible.  And it sets the stage for helping a child draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate outlets for all those passionate feelings! 

You might want to check out Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Davis and Keyser.  It's my go-to parenting book and it has a lot of wonderful stuff about sibling relations.  The book is great for busy parents because it's organized by theme and has a very comprehensive index. If you don't have time to read it cover-to-cover, you can browse and find a lot of good ideas.

This is a long haul. It's anything but a smooth incline from "grrr" to "I love my little brother."  There are peaks and valleys, also plateaus, for siblings. Sometimes just as they find some equilibrium in their relationship, a developmental spurt in one of the kids will upset the apple cart all over again. (Right around the time my older child had finally resigned himself to having a younger sister, my baby got up and walked – which brought territorial conflicts of a whole new kind.)  Trust that you are doing everything you can, and that over this very long haul it does get better!

Thank You, Sarah and Eamon

This is a very personal post. From Saturday night to the wee hours of Monday morning, I had the privilege of attending the birth of my first grandchild. I'm so grateful for her parents' generosity in sharing this experience with me. Seeing my daughter give birth to Ziva Brigid will be an indelible heart-memory.

Going through this with my family, I was flooded with memories of my own birth experiences. I also learned some new things that I wish I'd known when it was my time to give birth – like what the heck a doula does! And, watching their wonderful doula Kerry Allen guide them through the experience, I was also struck by the way childbirth prepares you for parenthood. May I share a few examples?

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Patience and tenacity    Kerry kept saying, “patience and tenacity.” Boy, where would parents be without those two qualities? Waiting for things to unfold naturally, and for all your good parenting to take root, would be nothing without the tenacity to hang in there. Likewise, sticking to your high standards wouldn't be possible without the patience to endure less-than-desirable behavior and allow for seemingly endless “re-dos” until your child gets it right.

Be flexible about strategies – but give each strategy a fair try     Kerry had a rich supply of great ideas for labor positions and techniques. But she didn't jump around from one to the other. She would invite Sarah and Eamon to try this or that and then offer tweaks and assistance to make it work. When the experience had run its course, she would suggest another. As parents, we can usually think of more than one strategy for solving a given problem. Let's say we try an idea and it doesn't work. That's frustrating, of course. We could make a subtle adjustment, or wait and try it again soon, or do it at another time of day. But what we tend to do is think well, that didn't work, and move on. In desperation, we try another strategy, and another, and another, until finally the sheer cascade of contrasting stimuli brings about a meltdown. Whether you're trying to get a child to eat his carrots or to sleep through the night, it's helpful to settle on a program and stick with it for a while.

The arcs are similar but the particulars are unique    There are certain basic things that happen – usually in a certain order – between belly and baby. But every birth has its own itinerary, as well as forks in the road, and of course none of these small events can be predicted. Likewise, it's important to remember that every child weaves his way, developmentally, in his or her own manner. Every typically developing child will probably go through the predictable stages of the route, but at different paces and in different ways. Some will go back to pick up something they dropped on the path. Try not to fret over schedules and perceived deadlines. We can enjoy ourselves so much more by observing how a child gets where he's going – rather than obsessing about when.

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This has been an extraordinary experience. I'm flooded with feeling. I'm amazed at this little family that is coalescing right before my eyes as they attune, cooperate and bond. I'm madly in love with someone I've only known for a few days. And I'm overflowing with gratitude for being included. Thank you, Sarah and Eamon.