"Preventing" Tantrums?

At a recent parent-toddler class, we discussed “preventing" tantrums.  This is at once a very good idea and a terrible one. Here's what I mean.

If preventing tantrums means noticing what the conditions looked like before the tantrum and trying to avoid re-creating those conditions, this is a great idea. Perhaps you were trying to finish up a project and delayed feeding your toddler, which took him from “a little hungry” to “extremely hungry and very grouchy.” Or you tried to fit too many errands into an afternoon when his nap had been skimpier than usual. What you've learned is that if your young child is experiencing unmet needs (such as hunger or tiredness) any task or request or transition that would normally go over okay can bring on a tantrum. Duly noted!

However, preventing tantrums can easily turn into tiptoeing around your toddler. Perhaps what triggers a tantrum is a perfectly reasonable request, such as “Let's put these toys in the basket,” or your refusal to cater to food fussiness (“What I made for lunch today is tuna sandwiches – maybe we can have mac and cheese tomorrow.”) You have a choice between two very unpleasant alternatives: endure a few tantrums or give up the expectation that your child will learn to help with cleanup; endure a few tantrums or turn yourself into a short-order cook. My advice is to endure a few tantrums and stay the course. And I say “a few tantrums” because once your child learns that her outbursts will be met with empathy for her distress paired with a steadfast refusal to cater to her whims, the tantrums should diminish. The outbursts were a lot of bother and they didn't accomplish anything! There's no incentive for her to continue repeating the behavior. This is how kids gradually learn to maintain composure in the face of disappointment and frustration.

But it is quite tempting to tiptoe around. In fact, it's such a slippery slope that sometimes we're not even consciously aware that we're going out of our way to placate the child. Or perhaps we've gotten into the habit of backing down when the child doesn't like a position we took – turning our “no” into an “oh, all right, if you insist.” It may be that a child's tantrum is very, very upsetting to you – more than just loud, inconvenient, annoying and occasionally embarrassing. Spend a little time thinking about why this is, perhaps even talking about it with your partner or a trusted friend. You may need to ask yourself. “What's the worst thing that can happen?” You may need to train yourself to calmly observe the stages of a tantrum as you would a force of nature: imagine watching a fire ignite, flare and finally burn itself out. You may need to sit with the discomfort of naming and warmly accepting your child's feelings without taking responsibility for fixing anything. (This, by the way, is the gift of a lifetime. It's your toddler's key to self-awareness and self-regulation. And though it's quite simple, I'm not saying it's easy!)

So of course keep your eye out for conditions that stress your child and which make tantrums likelier. That way you can steer clear of those conditions. But try not to be so tantrum-averse that you find yourself compromising standards and routines that you want to live by.