"Preventing" Tantrums?

At a recent parent-toddler class, we discussed “preventing" tantrums.  This is at once a very good idea and a terrible one. Here's what I mean.

If preventing tantrums means noticing what the conditions looked like before the tantrum and trying to avoid re-creating those conditions, this is a great idea. Perhaps you were trying to finish up a project and delayed feeding your toddler, which took him from “a little hungry” to “extremely hungry and very grouchy.” Or you tried to fit too many errands into an afternoon when his nap had been skimpier than usual. What you've learned is that if your young child is experiencing unmet needs (such as hunger or tiredness) any task or request or transition that would normally go over okay can bring on a tantrum. Duly noted!

However, preventing tantrums can easily turn into tiptoeing around your toddler. Perhaps what triggers a tantrum is a perfectly reasonable request, such as “Let's put these toys in the basket,” or your refusal to cater to food fussiness (“What I made for lunch today is tuna sandwiches – maybe we can have mac and cheese tomorrow.”) You have a choice between two very unpleasant alternatives: endure a few tantrums or give up the expectation that your child will learn to help with cleanup; endure a few tantrums or turn yourself into a short-order cook. My advice is to endure a few tantrums and stay the course. And I say “a few tantrums” because once your child learns that her outbursts will be met with empathy for her distress paired with a steadfast refusal to cater to her whims, the tantrums should diminish. The outbursts were a lot of bother and they didn't accomplish anything! There's no incentive for her to continue repeating the behavior. This is how kids gradually learn to maintain composure in the face of disappointment and frustration.

But it is quite tempting to tiptoe around. In fact, it's such a slippery slope that sometimes we're not even consciously aware that we're going out of our way to placate the child. Or perhaps we've gotten into the habit of backing down when the child doesn't like a position we took – turning our “no” into an “oh, all right, if you insist.” It may be that a child's tantrum is very, very upsetting to you – more than just loud, inconvenient, annoying and occasionally embarrassing. Spend a little time thinking about why this is, perhaps even talking about it with your partner or a trusted friend. You may need to ask yourself. “What's the worst thing that can happen?” You may need to train yourself to calmly observe the stages of a tantrum as you would a force of nature: imagine watching a fire ignite, flare and finally burn itself out. You may need to sit with the discomfort of naming and warmly accepting your child's feelings without taking responsibility for fixing anything. (This, by the way, is the gift of a lifetime. It's your toddler's key to self-awareness and self-regulation. And though it's quite simple, I'm not saying it's easy!)

So of course keep your eye out for conditions that stress your child and which make tantrums likelier. That way you can steer clear of those conditions. But try not to be so tantrum-averse that you find yourself compromising standards and routines that you want to live by.

Choosing a Preschool: Deciding Which One

Last week, I posted about looking at schools.  This week is about choosing.

You may have your heart set on one school, but I hope you've looked at more than one. This is especially true if your heart's desire has a robust wait list. Ideally, you will have some “accepts” from which to choose. Not only is it a logistical nightmare not to get into “the one” but it also leaves you feeling dejected and hopeless. When I was directing preschool, I often heard parents express the idea that our school was “the only one” and they'd be devastated if their child didn't get in. Many times I had no choice but to wait-list them. A month or a year later, we'd have an opening and I would call them back. “Oh, no thanks,” they'd say. “We're so happy at ____________ School.” This happened time and time again. Please believe me that there really is no one perfect place.

Assuming you have a few choices, how familiar are you with the schools in question? Were you offered a chance to visit? How transparent are the schools? It's much easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk. Formal, after-hours presentations are great for getting the big picture, but these gatherings are basically in-person brochures. Visiting the school during hours of operation is really the only way to see how practice follows philosophy. (Note: a school with a long wait list may invite you for a visit only after you have attended an orientation and only once they have a spot to fill.)

Many preschools are connected to a place of worship, or to a private elementary school that promotes a certain philosophy. I would think long and hard before enrolling my child in a school whose basic beliefs and tenets are not my own. A snarky way to pose the question is, “Why would I pay someone to teach my child stuff I don't believe, when plenty of people will do that for free?” The truth is, parents often have to run interference between “the world” and their child. A neighbor or relative says something to your child that goes against your grain. You have to decide how to navigate this:

     stand up to what was said in front of that person and your child

     have a quiet word with that person

     have a quiet word with your child

But do you want to set yourself up to be doing this all the time? And really, how can you quarrel with something that is part of the school's express mission, and which you knew about before enrolling? Besides being exhausting and stressful for you, it's a little unfair to your child – and the school!

What are your priorities? A particular philosophy or practice? A school that's close to home/work? Language immersion? A school big/flexible enough that your twins can each have their own classroom? A co-op? In the words of my kids' wonderful preschool teacher, Mae Varon, “there can only be one number one.” And only you know what your number one is.

About your child's schedule...a lot of parents feel that taking things gradually is best. This isn't always a good idea, for two reasons. Reason one is about how it feels to adjust to school. Let's say you want your child ultimately to attend every morning, but you feel that starting with two mornings would be easier. If only those two mornings were consecutive days – but they almost never are. The problem with Tu-Th schedules, or for that matter M-W-F schedules, is that every day feels like Monday! You know how you are with Mondays – going back to work seems like a disruption of your lovely weekend schedule, so it's hard to gear back up. Kids feel the same way. The second reason to bite the bullet and ask for the schedule you ultimately want is more practical in nature. Let's say you start in September with Tu-Th mornings. Then in January you want to switch to full days. Guess what? All the spaces have been filled.

Finally, trust your gut. Intuition gives us important information. Sometimes a like or a dislike isn't something you can articulate or justify, but it still matters and you should pay attention to it. There is a certain something about every school – call it a vibe, because ambience sounds too restaurant-y – that either speaks to you or doesn't. A school might have everything on your wish list but if it doesn't make you feel welcome or at ease (“Would I enjoy spending the day here?”) keep looking.  Or, a school might be missing some big component that is terribly important to you (say, a rich music program) but it feels so right in every other way. Could you commit to music classes on a weekend morning? Are the musical experiences you provide at home enough for now? The overall feel of a school is more than the sum of its parts, and this matters a great deal. To repeat: trust your gut.

And good luck!

Choosing a Preschool: Having a Look Around

Recently I chuckled over a New Yorker cartoon featuring an urban couple fretting over whether they had chosen the right dog park for their pooch. I get it, parents do agonize over where to send their young children to school, often to the point of overthinking it. But when you're in the middle of the search, it does feel like a fateful decision. And it is – choosing where your small child is going to spend his/her days is a very big deal.

I can't tell you where to send your child but I can provide a few ideas to mull over while you're choosing. This post will focus on what to look for (and ask about) when you're touring. My next post will be about deciding.

First, start early. Parents say, “He's only six months old. How in the world do I know what preschool is best for him?” Exactly. If you apply to a number of them now, by the time he is age-ready you will have a few good choices to consider in light of a much better-developed sense of who your child is. By the way, don't get hung up on terms like “preschool,” “pre-k,” “child care” or “nursery school.” The terms are often used interchangeably. I've seen so-called “schools” that weren't much more than babysitting and I've seen home-based “day cares” that were highly nurturing and educational.

Look for a place that is child-centered. This doesn't mean the kids are running the show. It means that the materials in the environment, the schedule, and the expectations are age-appropriate. Kids should have ample time to be physically active, make choices, develop play ideas, and exercise their natural, abundant creativity. Their art is shown at a child's level, not an adult's. What's displayed on the walls represents the diversity of the kids' interests and abilities. (I cringe when I see 15 identical snowman collages assembled to match the teacher's model. That's not even art!)

Look for kids socializing in informal, loosely supervised ways. If every activity is orchestrated and directed by an adult, and performed en masse by the class, kids don't have time to invent their own ways of playing. Adults working in highly structured programs will tell you that this cuts down on conflict. This may be true, but consider that every conflict is an opportunity for rich and important social learning.

And do watch (or ask) how conflicts are resolved. Do teachers arbitrate (settle things for the children?) This is quick and efficient but it doesn't give the kids tools. And it reinforces the habit of running to the teacher every time there is a dispute. Or do the teachers mediate (sit the kids down, ask good questions, and encourage the disputants themselves to craft a solution?) I don't have to tell you that mediation takes more time and energy, but it produces much better results. And it's only possible when the teacher:child ratio is favorable. You can expect this to be reflected in the price tag!

I like to see a preschool that is very clean, especially in the bathrooms and cooking areas, but not crazy-tidy in the places where children play. A certain “creative mess” is to be expected. Can the children easily access books, toys and art materials? Are they encouraged to put things away and neaten up after themselves? That might not produce a picture-perfect environment but it fosters creativity and self-reliance.

How do teachers talk to the kids? Teachers who affect a fake, sing-songy voice and use a lot of jargon just make me nuts. People should talk to kids like one human being addressing another, in an authentic, respectful tone. Look around at the teachers. Are they a diverse group in terms of background, languages spoken, temperament, age? This last one is important – young teachers bring energy and the latest pedagogy based on recent research. Older teachers bring experience, wisdom, patience and institutional memory. They help tend the school's rudder. Ask about the average number of years' tenure for teachers. If they stay a long time, the school is probably a good workplace and a fair employer. You and your child will be beneficiaries of this stability.

Here's a last thing to think about. Traditionally, preschools had a rule requiring children to be potty-trained at the time of enrollment. This practice is on the wane, and for good reason. You wouldn't require a two-year-old entering school to speak a certain number of words, or be able to ride a trike...why require that they use the toilet? Kids develop cognitively, physically and social-emotionally at their own pace and in their own way. I'm not saying that a school which has this rule is a bad school. I am saying that not having such a rule is a pretty good indicator that the school embraces developmentally appropriate practices.

Happy hunting!