Touching Mom

Dear Susie,

Lately my son Rafe, who just turned five, has started to want to touch my breasts all the time as he did when he was smaller. I breastfed until he was nearly three. After that he would stick his hand down my shirt for comfort – but then in the last year that totally went away. Now he wants to sneak grabs all the time. It is like a little game to him and I think maybe it is comforting for him in some way.

But I'm not comfortable with it. My comfort level is this:  there are times at home when I say it's okay, that he can touch the top part for a sort of quick pat. They're still there. I have said they are part of mommy's private parts and he needs to treat my body with respect – just as he treats his friends and as mommy and daddy treat him. But I had to hold his hands away yesterday – he was being pretty tenacious. 

We have cuddle time before bed – special time with just me where he gets heaps of affection. He gets hugs and kisses a lot during the day. And he definitely knows not to touch others that way and is very conservative with touching others. He's a rule-follower out in the world.

But because this has increased so much the last two weeks, I just wanted to check in with you. I don't want to shame him. I want him to have comfortable feelings around bodies and sexuality. I want to create proper boundaries. Is he just testing?

Dear Parent, 

What an interesting question! I think your instincts are right on this one. We should be clear with others when something makes us uncomfortable. The key here that the behavior went away and came back. Letting Rafe touch and check in (“they're still there” – hilarious!) was appropriate when and just after he was weaning.

But now he's five and your breasts have changed jobs – they are back to being your private parts. (A couple of years ago you probably would have been unfazed if someone caught a peek of your breast when you were nursing in a restaurant or other public place. But I doubt you'd consider going topless now!) Your talk with him about privacy and respect is right on the money. You're accomplishing your goal without bringing shame into play.

What you've correctly intuited is that a five-year-old boy's interest in his mom's breasts is different in quality than a baby's or toddler's. That's probably why you're uncomfortable with it. Fours and fives tend be very sexualized. This doesn't mean they are lecherous or weird, just highly attuned to sexual differences and immensely curious. This curiosity usually targets the opposite-sex parent. They also try to engage in exploratory play with friends. There's a lot of giggling and pointing, and silly sexual talk. Setting limits as you have done honors your privacy and keeps him from getting overstimulated.

And it protects Rafe in other ways. Having these boundaries means he won't open himself up to a clueless admonishment or shaming comment. (This goes for self-exploration, very common at this age, as well as for touching others.) Over-worry about “stifling” or “shaming” a child can prevent parents from teaching appropriate public behavior. Then those same parents are aghast when Auntie Ruth or an appalled stranger says something really awful to their child. What a mess to have to clean up.

Furthermore, when you set personal boundaries you provide great modeling. Let's say Rafe doesn't like to have his head patted. Because he has been watching you, he will feel comfortable telling people so. He can do it politely but firmly. And because he can do this, he experiences a healthy ownership of his own body. I can't prove it, but I tend to think that giving a child this sense of self-stewardship helps to inoculate him against being exploited.

So keep on keepin' on! This too shall pass...Best, Susie

Post Script: the next day I received the following email from Rafe's mom. Their conversation was so amazing I will close with it, giving Rafe the last word:

Dear Susie...so today there was no “boob grabbing.” I told Rafe I appreciated that and asked him if it was confusing that when he was a baby and toddler he could have my boobs a lot for milkies, and now they had become private parts. He said very reasonably, "It might be confusing if I were a baby, but it's not now. I understand."