Playing Alone

Dear Susie,

My son, age three, never seems to want to play alone. When I have to get something done, like making a few calls or answering emails, he falls apart, nagging me or whining. Then I feel terrible. What can be done about this?

Dear Parent,
First, please don't feel guilty about wanting him to play by himself sometimes.  It's really important to learn how to do it.  You and his dad often play with him, and you provide him with plenty of opportunities to socialize with his peers.  But learning to spend alone-time productively is a life skill, and your desire to help him develop this skill is part of good parenting too.  Playing alone is something that doesn't come easily to kids who are very gregarious by nature.  In contrast, some kids play alone "too well" (!) and the challenge for their parents (and teachers) is to help those children tolerate all the communicating, negotiating and compromising needed to play collaboratively.

So how to develop this life skill?  I'm reminded of meditation.  Active and monkey-brained by nature, I can't imagine meditating for an hour or even a half hour.  But my yoga teacher began in five-minute chunks.  Hey, even I can do that. Then ten...maybe fifteen.  Once the benefits of meditating kicked in, I'd entered into a positive feedback loop;  now I look forward to the activity that used to be so unappealing and intimidating because I've learned that it centers me and brings peace.  After a time, your son may find that playing alone is pleasantly calming.

So try starting with a small chunk of time:  "I have to answer a few emails, so I need to to entertain yourself for five minutes.  After that I'll play with you for a while.  What would you like to do while I'm at the computer?"  Rather than putting out toys for him (which can feel a bit like an "assignment") you can help him put out the toys he requests.  That helps him set an intention.  A lot of  times we try to jump-start a child's solo play by playing with them for a bit and then tiptoeing away. This probably feels to the child like bait and switch (which, to be honest, it is!)  Playing together and playing alone are apples and oranges; having him choose an "alone activity" from the get-go doesn't have disappointment built into it.   (I'm assuming most of his toys are within his reach, which promotes playing solo.)

If he gives you five minutes to yourself without nagging and whining, say so:  "You're learning to play by yourself!  People sometimes learn so much and really enjoy themselves playing alone."  Also, remember that taking time for yourself to play Scrabble online or drop a line to your best friend or even just clear your inbox is "playing  alone," and that by doing these things you are modeling what you want to teach:  "I feel so relaxed and happy after I get all my morning emails done."  Over time, you can  gradually increase the length of time that you can expect solo play.

The last thing of course is that when you do play with him, even if it's just for ten minutes, try to single-task and stay focused. You might be playing collaboratively with him or you might just observe him and offer the occasional  comment.  (Kids just love to bask in your undivided attention.) But in either case, he won't feel like you're really present if you are also folding laundry or constantly checking your cell.  In fact, put away the phone for ten minutes.  Full-on time with you replenishes him.  Feeling satisfied (think: a nice, nourishing meal compared to a thin broth of your half-attention) is one of the things that will help him play alone later.

Changing Caregivers

Dear Susie,

We are losing our part-time nanny at the end of the month. I am considering moving Randy (barely 3 years old) to full time at his preschool. He does love school, but let me tell you, life is so much easier – he is nicer to us, more compliant, and he sleeps better – on days when he is at home.

I am feeling SO SAD to be losing our nanny – Randy is very attached to her, talks about her when she's not here, and looks forward to his days with her. I need advice on how to break the news to him, and how to explain that she is no longer coming to sit (although we will try to book her for some weekend date nights.)

Dear Parent,

The problem you are confronting is a common one.  It's daunting, and sometimes sad, to contemplate a big change.  First let me say something about his school schedule.  Contrary to what most parents imagine, a lot of kids do better going to nursery school five times per week than part-time.  (This is of course assuming it's a good school, where children are invited to do interesting things and the adults are loving and respectful.)  I think this has to do with consistency.  Most preschools offer part-time programs on Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday/Friday. The problem with this type of scheduling is that, for the child, every school day seems like a Monday  (and you know how we all feel about Mondays!) It can present too many "adjustment days" in the child's week.  It may make kids feel  a little scattered, the way having two jobs affects an adult.  You might be pleasantly surprised to see how well Randy adjusts to M-F, naps and all.

I think we should handle departures of friends (and to him, the nanny is essentially a friend) with honesty and compassion.  It's not good for anyone to disappear out of a child's life without notice.  Tell him the truth, that she has found another job and will no longer be able to take care of him during the days.  Say that you will try to arrange it so she can babysit for him occasionally at night, and then make good on that promise if you possibly can.  Make sure the two of them have a chance to say goodbye.  If nanny cries, or you and/or Rowan cry, it's OK.  People cry when they are sad.  Be sure you have photos of him with nanny that you can put in a little book to look at together.  He can dictate the words and you can write them down next to each picture.  (This book might be something that evolves slowly, over time.)

People sometimes assume that just because kids are resilient (which they are) the people in their lives are interchangeable.  I disagree.  When a playmate moves away, or a nanny finds a new job, we're sad and we can have an authentic goodbye.  And we can stay in touch. (Kids love to get snail-mail, and Skype works great too)   He can send her pictures and you can update her with the latest photos of him. By keeping in touch, we teach our kids that every relationship matters, and that even as we forge new ones, we cherish the old.  Things change because that's life – but we don't have to close any doors.

Applying to Independent Schools for Kindergarten

This is a compilation of hints, bits of advice and “dos and don'ts” that I've accumulated over the years.  These ideas are based on true-life adventures and misadventures. (I used to be a preschool director. Applicant parents, preschool teachers and admissions personnel talk to me about this stuff a lot!)  Please read with an open mind and in the spirit it is intended – to provide gentle guidance through what can be a nerve-wracking process.

1)  Be the kind of family your preschool can rave about.  The teacher will probably be able to go on and on about your child's great qualities.  However, the questions about parents are pretty cut and dried: they center on openness, reliability and participation.  The folks at your child's preschool will want to be frank, in order to protect their credibility and reputation.  Ask yourself if you’re doing all you can to be a dependable and useful member of your preschool community.

2)  Leave your child out of the process.  The only time you should involve your child is if the school has a “play date” which serves as an opportunity to observe your child in a group setting.  You can just tell your child, “We’re going to look at some schools and see what we think.  I don’t know if they’ll have room or not, or whether this school will be a good match for our family.” Period.  Please don’t coach or advise your child before the play date. Afterward, you will be interested in your child’s impression, but don’t pump him or her for feedback.  Final decisions should be the job of the adult(s).  Along the way, it’s only human to want to discuss and compare the various schools with family and friends, but avoid doing this in front of your child.  Some additional pointers about “play dates” follow. (If your child will not be invited to school visits, skip items 3-8.)

3)  Prepare your child.  You can call ahead to the school and get information about what to expect so that you can tell your child how the visit will go, whether there is going to be a separation from you, and any other relevant information.  Be sure your child is well-rested and well-fed.  A snack in the car will ensure that hunger pangs don’t take the edge off the experience, and a last-minute trip to the bathroom might add to your child’s comfort.

4)  If your child is ill on the scheduled day, call the school and find out how this is handled.  Perhaps they can re-schedule you.  Besides, you will be demonstrating courtesy and consideration.

5)  Be prompt.  It makes you look good and, more importantly, it will help put your child at ease.

6)  Remember, you are a guest.  They set the rules and you are visiting their “home” on their terms.  Don’t insist on visiting areas that are off limits or partaking of anything that is not designated for you.

7)  When visiting, be firm with your child.  Letting your child wheedle or get away with something just to avoid a scene will make a very negative impression on any educators I know!

8)  Leave at the scheduled time. If possible, give your child a five-minute warning and then follow through.  You can show these people you appreciate that their time is worth something (plus they’ll get to see that you set limits and that you follow through.)

9)  Remember that admissions personnel are responsible for putting together a diverse group of children, and that diversity takes many forms – gender balance, ethnic and socioeconomic variety, non-traditional family structures, an array of different personalities and temperaments.  Parents of shy children often worry that they won’t dazzle the admissions folks.  But imagine for a moment how unbalanced a classroom would be if all the children were extroverted, take-charge types. Yikes!

10)  Apply to more than one program.  It’s very competitive out there, so luck plays a bigger and bigger role every year.  You should research thoroughly, cast a wide net, and keep an open mind.  If one school in particular is you first choice, tell them so on your application or in your cover letter.  (Be ethical about this – there can only be one #1.)  Throughout, let your mantra be “I may not get my first choice…I may not get my first choice.”  Disappointment is survivable.

11)  If you are lucky enough to get into more than one school, please make a final choice quickly.  This will help others (some of whom may even be your friends!) get out of “Wait-list Limbo.”

12)  If you are dissatisfied about the way a school handled admissions, deal with it after the process is completed.  If you wind up at that school, get involved in admissions and work at improving things from the inside.  If you don’t end up attending that school, speak to your preschool director and let him/her decide whether to take this up with admissions.

13)  Overall, try to be eager (not pushy) and inquisitive (not critical).  Your demeanor tells them volumes about the likeliness of a healthy long-term relationship with your family – which is of course what they are looking for.

14)  And don't give up! The ratio of applicants to available spaces shifts in your favor from year to year. Next year, they may only have a spot or two open for first grade – but they will have far fewer applicants.

Try to have fun -- and good luck!