Toddler Resisting a Diaper Change

Dear Susie, 

I read your post about Why Toddlers Say “No” All the Time [July 5, 2013] and shared it with my wife.  Very informative and helpful.

Parenthood has been one of the most transformative experiences in our lives.  We are marveling at all the changes that we're experiencing ourselves and the change of perspective as we see the world through our toddler's eyes.  

Adam has recently (a few months now) stopped letting us change him on the changing table.  He doesn't like us to change his clothes and its a struggle every time.  It makes it particularly challenging when he has a full, dirty diaper.  Any suggestions as to what this may be related to and how we can be better parents?

Dear Parent,

Thanks for the kind words. First of all, I love the name Adam!  Second, I love your attitude about parenthood as an adventure and a renewed sense of experiencing the world.  Lovely. 

Third, this is a common toddler behavior.  Toddlers hate being interrupted and "messed" with, even when the result is a clean (and, one would think, more comfortable) diaper.  Being changed is a challenge to their autonomy, and autonomy is the big, prevailing theme of toddlerhood.

One thing that helps with any transition is a five-minute warning:  "Wow, I think that diaper needs to be changed.  We're going to do that in five minutes."  Then follow through.  Of course he doesn't know what five minutes is, but after a while he will get the picture.  It can be four or six minutes...of course.

This may or may not be the key.  If five minutes' verbal warning doesn't do the trick, try adding a bell or alarm.  For example, you could set your phone to ring in five.  Show him that you're doing this.  Ask him to tell you when it rings and (if he's already talking a bit) what you're supposed to do when it does. He will probably enjoy being in charge of telling you when it rings, and that it's time to change the diaper.  This way, it's not you against him (a contest) but him working with the timer (cooperation.) Thank him for reminding you about the diaper change.

You can add a little forecast of something fun after the change:  "After we change your diaper, we're going to have chicken noodle soup for lunch!"  Don't make this a bribe (if you do this, I will do that...) Just tell him what's planned for after, so he has something to look forward to, and to underscore a sense of routine.

If he has a special song he likes, maybe you can make up a silly version of it that includes the steps in diapering.  For example, to the tune of “This is the Way”:

     Now we take your overalls off, overalls off, overalls off,

     Now we take your overalls off, to get Adam clean!

     Now we need to use the wipes, use the wipes, use the wipes

     Now we need to use the wipes, to get Adam clean!

As you can see, this song doesn't have to be Great Art!  Adding few more verses (take off the diaper, put on the diaper, etc.) would see him through the whole process.  I would only sing this song when he's getting changed, to make it special.  Toddlers love rituals almost as much as they love autonomy!

Hope this helps, Susie

"My Dolly Died"

Dear Susie,

Niva, four, told me her baby doll died the other day and I totally blanked and had no idea how to play back or reply so I told her maybe she's just in deep sleep and needs medicine. I knew it was wrong as it was coming out but was caught off guard! Our good friends' dog died about a week ago, and I think this might be related to the loss. 

Dear Parent,

Well, to begin with, Niva is right on target, developmentally.  Fours and fives usually become very interested in death and dying.  Have you noticed how toddlers seem to be so "in the moment?"  They really are!  No past, no future, just right now...how lovely, right? But once kids get to be Niva's age, they start thinking about things like the party last week and when their birthday will come. Time becomes more dimensional.  This naturally leads them to ask immense questions like "where did I come from?" and "where am I going?"

Your email touches on two really great points.  One is how to answer a hard question and the other is how to mend things when you don't like the answer you gave.

For some detailed ideas about talking to children about the death of a pet, please scroll back to my blog posts of February 20 and 28, 2014.

.

The main thing is to let the child lead the conversation and give them small, true answers.  In a way, you and Niva were very lucky – it's so much easier to have this opening conversation when it's about someone else's pet.  That's pretty far removed from your family's life.  Niva will probably be most interested in "the facts of death," and it's much easier for you to share these things when you are not grieving yourself.

Her play with the baby doll is a wonderful example of how kids process things that puzzle or worry them – through play.  And to be honest, I think most parents would have reacted much as you did.  As prepared as we think we are, pronouncements liked hers often stun us and knock us off balance.  Here are some ways one might respond (and remember, I'm not in the trenches, here.  I'm sitting at my desk writing, there is no four-year-old at hand, and I've had time to process your question):

"Oh dear!  What does that mean, your baby died?"  A clarifying question like this buys you a little time to reflect. And her answer might help you understand what she knows and what she doesn't.  Then you can fill in some of the gaps.  Easy does it – small bits!

"I wonder if you're thinking about Tisha's dog.  What happened to him?"  This takes her back to her conversations with Tisha about the dog.  Again, there might be some gaps.

"It's sad when somebody's pet dies.  Would you like to make a picture of Boomer and tell Tisha how sorry we are that he died?"  This might prompt a little empathy for what her friend is going through. And it's a wonderful opportunity to begin teaching Niva how we take care of our friends when they're sad. 

Now let's turn to your worry that you didn't respond as you would have liked.  (By the way, I love what you said about "play back" and "reply."  If only!)  One great thing about our kids is that they live with us and we have nearly constant access to them.  That means we are afforded just about infinite opportunities for a do-over.  A do-over might look like this:

"Y'know, you said something so interesting yesterday and it really got me thinking..."

or

"Niva, you asked me a question yesterday and I was really busy and didn't have time to give you a good answer..."

or

"Sweetie, yesterday you asked me _______________ and I said ______________ and I don't really like that answer.  Would you like to hear a better one?"

See what I mean?  You can return with a more thoughtful, fleshed-out response, as well as perhaps a picture book or two on the subject.  The conversation with your child about death and dying will be a long one that will last years.  Your openness and availability on this (or any) tender topic will keep the door of communication standing ajar.

Hope this helps!  Best, Susie