Dear Susie,
Cole is now 3 1/2. We have long
been meaning to sign him up for swimming classes, and finally this
weekend went down to the Y and did it. We then went to the pool
with Cole - he saw the pool, saw the kids swimming, and I explained
to him what swimming classes are like. I explained that he has
a teacher at school who has helped him learn about the world and now
he'll also have a teacher at the pool who will help learn about
swimming and being safe in the water.
The problem? He is digging in his
heels and saying over and over that he doesn't want to take swimming
lessons. This is the way he is about EVERYTHING. He
always says no to whatever activity is happening, and then we go, and
he still says no. But usually, usually after a while he
warms up to the concept and will partake in whatever is happening -
it just takes him a really really long time to get there. And
the whole time he cries and whines and tantrums and is stubborn.
Bouncy houses, riding horses, playing in a big gym with his friends,
putting his swim suit on for a water day at school, you name it. I
wish he was the kind of kid that was happy and excited about doing
new things, but he is pretty much the opposite of that. We plan
to be near water a lot this summer, and he really needs to learn
water safety. It's time, and actually overdue.
My plan is to get him to the pool
really early on his lesson day, so he can just watch. And then I'm
hoping I can convince him to put on his swim suit and just sit with
his feet in the water. I know it just has to be done slowly.
But I have a feeling he's not even going to want to put on his
swim suit, or get in the car to go down to the pool in the first
place. (He's really into being a policeman right now, and so
I've even been talking to him about how policemen need to know how to
swim)
Do you see my problem? How do you
get a kid like this to do an activity that you know he really needs,
and I actually think he'll have fun with once he starts? Any advice
is very welcomed.
Dear Parent,
I do indeed see your problem. And I appreciate your honest feelings about who he might have been and who he actually is (" I
wish he was the kind of kid that was happy and excited about doing
new things, but he is pretty much the opposite of that.") Cole
definitely sounds like one of those kids who warms to new
experiences slowly and in his own way. The good news is that
children who are not diver-inners are often safer in the long run.
(Impulsive kids spend more time in the ER, I promise you!)
In my February 15 blog, I talked a
little bit about the research on temperament (though the topic was
eating, not swimming) so I'll point you to that without going into a
lot of detail here. Kids (and adults) who are slow to warm to
a new experience tend to be this way pretty globally – food,
people, activities. I think the hardest thing is resisting the
urge to use logic with them about it ("Remember how
worried you were about starting school? Now you love school and
Miss Patty and all the kids!") There are a couple of
reasons I don't advise this kind of "pep-talk." The
first is that it doesn't work. The second is that it carries a
whiff of "I told you so." It makes the final part of
the scenario – the kid adapting to school, or liking the new
babysitter after all, or finally eating carrots – into a victory
for the parent and a defeat for the child. Bad framing!!
This leopard is not going to change his spots. Trying to talk
him into not fretting over a new experience would be like trying to
get him to swallow his food whole, without chewing. Fretting is
just part of Cole's process!
So, how to respond to the fretting?
Basically, I would try to accept it calmly and not to be annoyed or
derailed by it (not easy!) I might use empathy plus a gentle
reframe: "Sounds like you're worried about whether you're
going to enjoy swimming. I understand. And I really hope
it gets fun for you! Now let's get in the car." Another
validating reframe is "You're learning to try new things.
That can be really hard, I know!" Once he does (we hope!) learn
to enjoy swimming, try not to take away any of his glory by saying
"See? I told you it would be fun!" Just enjoy
it with him, as in "Wow, that looks fun!" or "You
did it!"
For you, one of the keys is deciding
in your own mind which activities are mandatory and which ones
aren't. Then you can be pushier about the former and more
laissez-faire about the latter. Swimming is mandatory because it's
about safety and...well, the meter's running. (You're paying for him
to learn a skill.) Non-mandatory would be a trip to the park, say,
or a birthday party. He can sit next to you and observe without
joining in for a long time (if at all) without being coaxed or
prodded and that's perfectly OK.. That should be a relief for both
of you.
I think your ideas of pre-viewing the
class and going early are brilliant. He can get a head start on
all the warming up he needs. This is a good strategy for any
new situation, like a new school, a play date in an unfamiliar place,
or any event where there are going to be a lot of people. I assume
you've vetted the teachers at the swim school, and that they are good
at working with kids who are feeling balky without pressuring or
shaming them, which of course would totally backfire.
As you probably know from previous
posts, I'm big on bibliotherapy! Maybe you can make a "Trying
New Things" book with Cole that he can add to, page by page, as
he adds new experiences to his repertoire. He can make a
picture and tell you how he felt before, during and after. This
might give him insight about his process as well as reassurance that
things usually turn out better than expected – a reassurance that
comes from within.
