What is Power-Balancing?

Recently, I was giving a talk at a preschool about how parents can mediate sibling disputes. I've written a book on the subject, and I'm currently in the process of getting my book published. One of the themes I touched on during my talk was power-balancing. This is a mainstay of mediation practice, and the parents participating in the talk requested more info about it – hence this post.

A skillful mediator uses power-balancing techniques in order to neutralize obvious differences in rank or power. With natural imbalances suspended in this way, the parties can mediate on a level playing field as the equal human beings that they are. This works well when you are trying to conduct discussions (even heated ones!) among sisters and brothers. There are so many ways in which siblings can be out of balance. These include age, size, strength, maturity level (as distinguished from age), temperament (personality), emotional expressiveness, verbal skill, ability/disability, and self-control.

A first power-balancing step is your decision about who should go first. Getting the chance to speak first can help someone who feels powerless or agitated to get a grip on things. Even how you address the children is important. Be aware of the use of nicknames. When mediating, it won't do to call your older son Arthur and his younger brother Booboo. It's either “Arthur and Bob” or “Artie and Booboo” – no mix and match!

Pay close attention to their body language. This may be your guide in helping kids dial it up or down. Jennifer may have expounded in loud and emphatic terms about a conflict with her younger sister Natalie, and all Natalie can come up with is “I'm mad” – even though it's obvious from her posture and expression that she is seething with rage. You may need to help her with words that match what you sense she is truly feeling: “It looks like this has made you absolutely furious.” Then re-state what Jennifer has said in brief, slightly less dramatic terms. By re-writing their statements in the same font, so to speak, you help them feel equally valued and heard.

You may have to “translate.” The more mature or verbal child can overwhelm a sibling with words. Being clever with language gives him a lot of power; the less articulate sibling may feel like his brother is armed with a cannon whereas all he has is a slingshot. By simplifying what the highly verbal child says, and upgrading the terms of the less verbal one, you accomplish two things. First, you validate their feelings and opinions as having equal weight. Second, you enable the children to better hear and understand each other. Communication is maximized when differences in sophistication are minimized.

Typically, a mediator demonstrates neutrality through body language and other behavior – by spending equal amounts of time listening to each party, making eye contact with each, and warmly validating what both of them say. However, with kids, sometimes it's necessary to sit closer to one, perhaps even taking a toddler in your lap, in order to keep things focused and non-physical. I would say something like “I'm going to hold you to keep everybody safe.” That way, both kids will understand that you're not cuddling with the more wiggly child, just protecting the process.

An older (or shrewder, or smoother-talking) child may be able to sell her sibling on a plan that is not in that sibling's best interest. If you catch the scent of unfairness in the air, first check to make sure you're not just reacting to “kid justice,” which can sound very different from the “even-Steven” approach we adults usually take. If you're quite certain that one of them is being snowed, try asking what-if questions in order to gently unveil the unfairness. You may want to build a re-check into the kids' agreement, such as meeting in a week to see how things are going, and to re-open negotiations if necessary. “Live and learn” is a great teacher! Just remember that the balance between your personal sense of fairness and the need to remain neutral can be a delicate one. You can't really mediate if you are over-protecting one of the parties.

A last thing to keep in mind is that the adoration a younger sibling may feel for the older brother or sister is usually not reciprocated. Little kids usually look up to older kids. From the older child's perspective, it may appear something like this:

      I feel pestered by him (I experience his attentions, questions and requests as annoying)

      He must enjoy pestering me

      Therefore he’s a pest

The symmetry is just not there. It's hard for an older child to imagine what a thrill it is for the younger sibling to be included, heard and respected by him. This is not an easy playing field for a parent to level, but anything you can do to to develop this insight (without guilt or pressure, which usually backfire) can be very helpful.

Scary Dreams

By the end of the second year, a lot of kids have had scary dreams. A nightmare might be just an image, or perhaps it's a more developed scenario.  Usually it's hard for toddlers to find a way to talk specifically about scary dreams.

What they need is a little bit of information and a lot of understanding.  I think sometimes parents get hung up on the first part and shortchange kids on the second.  Saying flatly "it isn't real" can lead to an argument about whether it's real or not, which just adds another layer of feeling bad.  After all, the dream sure felt "real" to your child!  And the terror she's experiencing in the wake of the nightmare is real as can be.  I might say something like "When you're sleeping, your imagination makes up stories and sometimes they're scary.  Do you want to talk about your dream?"  You've planted a tiny seed about the un-realness of the dream, but without insisting.  Try not to press your child to talk about it.  We can be so curious about the content of the dream that we end up grilling her for information she's not really capable of putting into words.

The big part of the story is empathy.  Holding our child close and acknowledging the fear is the best medicine.  "You sure had a scary dream.  I can see that you're shaking and crying.  Let's cuddle for a while until you feel better.  When you are calmer, we can all go back to sleep."

By age three or four, kids are usually more able to talk about their dreams. Just listen and reflect, using their words whenever possible:  "Wow, a 'big witch as tall as a tree.'  That must have been really scary for you!"  As anyone who's tried to get info out of a preschooler knows, "open" questions (who, what, where, why, when) yield richer results than multiple-choice questions or questions with a yes/no answer.  A day or two after a bad dream, if it seems appropriate, you can make a little book with your child.  Starting with either the words he tells you or the pictures he makes about the dream, you can fuse his words and pictures into a narrative.  (The drawings don't have to be representational to have meaning for the child.  They may look like scribbles to you.)   Making a book can be especially helpful if he is having a recurring nightmare or a series of bad dreams on a single theme.

Fours and fives can play around with different endings.  Questions like "what did you want the witch to do?" help a child construct a different ending in which they feel more powerful and in-charge. Wouldn't that make a consoling and satisfying book!  Some people can even be coached to wake themselves up if a dream gets too scary, or to alter the ending of a recurring nightmare:  "What would you like to say to the bear to make him stop chasing you?"  (Not everyone can learn to do these things; they're just suggestions to put out there.)

Talking about our dreams helps us to be self-reflective.  Talk about the good ones and the bad ones.  Share your own dreams – just the fanciful, pleasant ones, of course.  In the words of Laura Davis and Janis Keyser (Becoming the Parent You Want to Be) "If we think about dreams as our mind's way of processing things that happened when we were awake, we can look at nightmares as tools for the exploration and expression of fears.  If your child is having nightmares, it can be useful to think about what he is grappling with.  If you can figure out what is scaring him, you might be able to help him work on it during the day."