“Oh, Susie, don't be such a
fussbudget!” I can still hear my mother saying that. She had
probably heard it a lot from her mother. The youngest of six kids,
my mom grew up without being catered to. She knew she was loved, but
she learned to make do. This was probably a good thing, because it
prepared her to handle a lot of crises and challenges – being
orphaned at twelve, enduring the depression, and weathering WWII...as
a Spar in the Coast Guard!
In her postwar role as mother, she
countered my fussbudgeting with exasperated dismissal. I would fret
if the little, discrete piles of food on my plate touched each other.
Her response? “Imagine how they look all mixed up in your
stomach!” (Eew.) A lot of kid-fussing centers around food. But
really, what was the worst thing that could happen if I only picked
at my dinner? Mom knew the answer to that was “not much.” (For
more about picky eaters, scroll down to my blog of 2/15/14.)
When your child fusses about things,
it's sometimes a tough call how much to get involved. It can take
you down a rabbit hole of endless repetition. The French braids don't
feel quite right, or the part isn't straight, so you braid her hair
again – and then again, and again. The socks feel “weird”
inside his shoes, so off go the shoes, the socks get readjusted, back
on with the shoes and – whoops, that's not quite right either.
Rinse, repeat. Doing something over and over starts to feel
ridiculous and futile – probably because it is ridiculous
and futile. (For more on reasonableness, scroll down to my blog of
1/9/14.)
If you've already spent some time down
that rabbit hole, both you and your child know it. So be clear and
honest. “Y'know, sometimes when I do it a second time, you don't
like it any more than you did the first time. So doing it a second
time is kind of taking a chance, isn't it? Do you want to take the
chance? Because I'm not going to do it a third time.” Then keep
your word, even if this produces further fussing. You're no longer
reinforcing an unreasonable demand by making believe it's reasonable.
And somehow, your child will learn to make do.
In short, when you get sucked into a
pattern (like these endless attempts to correct an irritant) you are
reinforcing the fussing. When instead you adopt a blasé,
take-it-or-leave-it attitude, it sets the expectation that your
child's tolerance and flexibility will broaden. That expectation
itself is contagious. And while you probably can't turn a fussbudget
into a relaxed, “whatever” sort of person, you can at least set
limits about how engaged you want to be in the fussing.
Finally, take a look at the bright
side: perfectionistic, detail-oriented people are extremely
well-suited to a lot of professions. Many of them grow up to be
lawyers, party planners, office managers, doctors, script
supervisors, organizers, accountants and travel agents. They tend to
be hard on themselves, but this helps them succeed!
